Being There
“had a dad big and strong turned around found my daddy gone he was the one made me what I am today its up to me now my daddy has gone away…” -Jane’s Addiction - “Had A Dad” It has been a rough week around the ranch this week. I realized that my Thanksgiving turkey was undercooked after I started carving (damn cheap meat thermometer) and required some emergency procedures. Lest you worry that a dinner invitation from me is a poison pen, this is a first in nearly a decade of turkeys and all of my guests are still alive and well. The dog, presumably in protest of his demotion of status in the pack, has reverted to his fence jumping behavior that anyone who came to one of our parties in Columbia will be familiar with. I have been struggling at work, both with motivation and getting any kind of experimental results. And I’m pretty sure that I’m going to fail my driving test again tomorrow (that is a post in itself)*. But the biggest source of stress this week has been the boy. I am really struggling with him this week. Seems that he doesn’t really like the way I do things. I can’t soothe him and can’t get him to sleep. Fortunately, his Mum can. A bigger issue is that, in a move of defiance, he will no longer take the bottle from either of us. This means that I can no longer give Dr. O’C relief with a late night feed or a night out. In an already rough week the pessimist in me comes raging out and I start to worry that I’m a rubbish father. I was talking with a friend today and he was saying that he wanted to make some time to get back into voluntary work, to help make society better. I agreed with him and bemoaned the fact that I just don’t have time to do much with Baby Z in our lives. He responded: “Chris, you being there and raising your son is doing something good for society.” 
And that’s when it made sense and I stopped feeling like a failure. Just by making the effort - unsuccessful as it may be right now - I am doing my bit to be a good father. Because increasingly fathers just aren’t there. There has been a recent debate in Britain about the reasons for the surge in violent crime involving young men and boys. One of the reasons that’s put forward is the number of these boys that are being raised in a single parent household. Two-thirds of African-American children are being raised by single mothers or grandparents. In Britain, close to 25% of children are being raised in single parent household and in some inner city communities, that figure exceeds 50%. Inner city youth groups cite this lack of a positive male role model as the biggest reason for the increase in gang violence in Britain. It is not a popular position among certain liberal policy makers, but statistically children with two parents are better off than those from single parent households. A survey by the Georgia Department of Corrections found that 80% of youth offenders in detention were from single parent households as were over 70% of high school dropouts according to an American school principals organization. In a study by researchers at the University of Maryland children who identified a father or father figure scored higher on basic learning skill tests, had a stronger sense of competence and social acceptance and were less likely to be depressed compared to children without fathers. I’m not actually sure that it’s “fathers” per se or just two parents that kids need. Recently, in Britain there has been a hubbub because some archbishop or another said that lesbian couple were not as competent to raise a child as a heterosexual couple. I am not jumping on that bandwagon - I believe, and some studies support, that any manifestation that means a child has two parents is better for the child than a single parent family. I reckon that their are gay couples that are better parents than straight couples and some are probably worse and most are probably the same. 
Throughout my week full of minor disasters, Dr. O’C - in her inimitable fashion - has been accusing me of throwing myself a pity party, a bad case of the pour me’s. There may be some truth to that. I can make Baby Z smile, he loves it when I sing to him (and he is the only person that I can say that about) and I am the king of getting him back to sleep in the night. When I think about it this way, maybe fatherhood isn’t as hard as I’m making it out to be. Just by turning up I’m doing better than a lot of my peers. Just my turning up I’m giving Z chances that other boys will never have. That’s a pretty good deal. Now if I could just get him to drink out of that damn bottle - his Dad never had a problem with that. * At the time of publication, I have now passed my driving test!
Popularity: 25% [?]
Not that I don’t agree that having both parents around is a good thing, but I do wonder whether or not some of the problems with children from single parent households is because of their socio-economic situation rather than both parents being present. I wonder what the stats are when you account for financial situation of the household.
oh and you are doing a great job Chris! We will sort this bottle feeding situation. I have been doing internet research:) I know how you love it when I resort to the internet to solve all baby issues!
29 Nov 2007 at 2:44 pm
Congrats on your driving test! I have enough trouble driving well on the right side of the road (in fact, I just had to think REALLY hard about which side of the road I’m supposed to drive on. I need more coffee.)
Here’s a link
If it makes you feel better, Grant wouldn’t even let Jeff hold him for more than a minute until he was a year old. Now he’s in LOVE with his Daddy. Also, I never tried it because my boys were fine with a bottle when needed, but there is a boob shaped bottle that might help. Sorta similar to the man-boob in Meet the Fockers.
http://www.soothiepacifier.com/Adiri-Bottles_c_14.html?gclid=CPG_vtOdgpACFQp7PAodymjkuQ
Hang in there! It gets better!
29 Nov 2007 at 3:10 pm
Congratulations on the driving test!
That was a great bit of advice from your friend regarding the fathering.
29 Nov 2007 at 3:21 pm
I don’t think I’m man enough to pull off the “man boob” look. I mean if DeNiro looks ridiculous, I’ve got no hope!
29 Nov 2007 at 3:30 pm
Oh man, a picture of Chris wearing the man boob while nursing Zach would be a WONDERFUL addition to this blog!
29 Nov 2007 at 4:25 pm
yeah, on with the “man boob” chris! LOL!
29 Nov 2007 at 5:56 pm
maybe i should have got you one for your birthday. shall i take back the other gifts and get you a man boob instead?
29 Nov 2007 at 6:04 pm
My readers are phillistines! I mean, I work hard on a post about important social issues and I’ve got a bunch of people sitting in the back row chortling about “man boobs”. Well young men and women, this blog is not moving another inch until you all start acting your age!
29 Nov 2007 at 6:10 pm
dudes, it’s moobs, MOOBS I tell you. anyways, I never met my dad til last year and I think I grew up fine without him. Ok, you might disagree in the sense that I am clinically insane, but whatever. I did have a very loving family though and never felt like I missed anything, except a pair of nike air max. damn, i wish we had had enough money so i could have had cool trainers. i’m making damn sure that when i have kids they will be kitted out in chav chic. (oxymoron?). anyways, I think if you have people that love you around you that’s what matter, and stabiity. In my experience in some cases if a child is brought up by a single parent, often there can be the father or other man coming for a while then leaving, and that’s not very stable. My mum never had any boyfriends and I never saw or heard from my dad really so I always felt safe and secure and stable. Dont have any stats on that or if it’s a pile of bullshite but I think it made a difference to me. OK, over and out
29 Nov 2007 at 7:31 pm
Chris, if you pay for my plane ticket, I’ll help you put up another electric fence to keep Timmons contained…
29 Nov 2007 at 7:34 pm
Lighten up Chris! It’s not so often that one gets mobbed by fellow scientists outside the hallowed halls of the academe. Peer reviewers are much worse than this,,,and you know that!
Ok, I apologize for being such an insensitive tease. On a serious note, I think it will be interesting to take some statistics from Sweden as they have quiet generous parental leaves for BOTH parents, with some dads taking as long as 6 months to be with their kids while mom works.
29 Nov 2007 at 11:53 pm
Jess was not kidding about Grant not having anything to do with me at first. All of that changed quickly though. Somewhere around 2 years he will be “Daddy’s boy”. He will start relating to you masculinity and want to be like you. Unlike my wife, I will refrain from man boob talk. I sent you important info by email that I hope will help. YOU GOT MAIL!!
30 Nov 2007 at 2:42 am
good on you for being a hands on Dad … my husband has had a rough week too - and I think he has been having a pity party too with lots of poor mes…
Guess us women don’t want our men to have down time. I will keep it in mind.
Greta you passed the driving test. Zach is so cute.
30 Nov 2007 at 4:26 am
Your turkey is to die for! No, wait that came out wrong. Sorry your favorite holiday required turkey resuscitation. I have finally killed off the leftovers. The last time I saw Timmons jump the fence Sinead twisted a knee a bit. I felt like I should help, but that night I thought you had 2 dogs. You, I’m sure, are doing a damn fine job raising the boy.
30 Nov 2007 at 7:48 am
Weighing in on this one a bit late! Missed the man boob excitement
But really, this is indeed a hot topic of great social and political import (thank you Janis) and as a single mother for 10 years I can comment from the other side of the fence from the SSG.
It is not just about having two parents, it is about having quality parenting and good role models of both genders around you. Like the SSG says….people who love you, stability and consistent Flaming Sword parenting! Let’s face it folks in the early days of childrearing what you need is SUPPORT! As a new single mum, I was living with my parents. I well remember the time I couldn’t get my daughter to sleep. Hot weather, tiny new baby, frazzled, desperate mother….I plonked her in her basket as if she were a football. Then the bedroom door opened a crack and there were the faces of my Mum and Dad, both peering in, bleary but concerned. “Are you OK? You sound like you’re having a hard time.”
In seconds my desperation evaporated, I remembered it was my daughter in the moses basket and I knew that if I needed 15 minutes to go make a cup of tea and chill, there were two eminently capable people there to back me up. This is what your average single parent lacks. Does socio-economic status help? Mebbe. What are the stats on extended families and family breakdown across the income bands? Is there a cultural component? Which culture/income bracket is more likely to have a loving, supportive, accepting family there to back them up? How often do issues of family breakdown between parents and teens result in unplanned pregnancies and the inability to eat humble pie and ‘go home’ for help?
Along with my parents, I also had the blessing of extraordinary friends. I met several couples through baby ‘classes’ who were, like me, older couples having their first child. (except I wasn’t a couple…)We were all professional people and we have all ended up with only the one child. In a strange way we provided extended family for each other. The kids became like brothers and sisters together. We helped each other out with baby sitting, entertainment,pick up and drop off support and encouragement and advice. My daughter didn’t have a father in the country but she had at least two (three if you count my dad)really positive male role models who contributed in a massive way to her early upbringing. Now of course, with our return to Aus, she has a relationship with her dad and she has a step dad…so she has a plethora of parental figures AND a mother with a Flaming Sword.
*sorry…did I just rave on a bit there?*
So far she seems to be doing well. (OK she’s only 12..but she hasn’t expressed an interest in street gangs yet and doesn’t smoke or drink….unlike many other 12 year olds).
I used to listen to the BBC and programs on the ‘best environment’ to bring up kids in etc etc. I used to hear the sort of statistics you mentioned and beat myself up for the choices I’d made. But from this far down the track I look back with no regrets. Offer your kids love, stability, consistency and a genuine interest in their lives and you can’t go far wrong. Slide consistently into self centred pre-occupation with your own life, palm off responsibility to a Play Station or a Skate Park or worry that your child will not ‘be your friend’ and you are looking at a recipe for disaster.
Now, I don’t know you at all Chris, but from what I read I don’t think either you or Sinead will fall foul of any of these common traps. Being there, being interested and involved is indeed the BEST thing you can do to contribute to society. (don’t start me on the ’socially’ active pastors who have kids at our happy clappy school and whose kids are the worst behaved of the LOT)
On the other hand, you will have crap weeks. But read back over your blog to the bits where it all goes well and you can put it into perspective.
Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS on the driving test! It is indeed a big thing
30 Nov 2007 at 1:35 pm
Congrats on the driving test. I spent a lot of money and effort to make sure I passed on the first go as I knew my brother (for one) would have laughed at me for the REST OF MY LIFE if I hadn’t.
Re financial security and single parenthood. Couples are more likely to be financially stable, I bet. So not a confounding factor but almost a covariant.
Sorry the bottle thing isn’t working out - maybe it will get better next week. Mixed feeding has been such a blessing for us. Our boy has stopped taking a formula bottle recently, but at least my husband can stuff him full of solids if I’m away now.
30 Nov 2007 at 4:01 pm
Those of you that have had the misfortune to get to know me in real life know that I will often grab an end of an argument like a pit bull and not let go regardless of facts or good sense. I certainly don’t think that children of single parents are all criminals and ne’er do wells. I know children of single parents that are doctors and artists and Oxford D. Phil students and U.S. Presidents. I also think that probably most single parents do bang up jobs of childrearing - my sister is a single parent and my niece is a lovely girl. I just like a good argument and thanks for that!
If you’re looking for a laugh (or more about moobs) check out Jeff’s Photoshopping skills:
http://www.chrisdellavedova.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/moobs.jpeg
30 Nov 2007 at 4:10 pm
You know, there is not one thing wrong with having a pity party for yourself every once in a while. I think it is cathartic. I have always likened it to popping a pimple–get all the nasty out, and then you feel better. Just by being able to acknowledge that you do feel like a failure or a shit dad or whatever clears the way for all the good stuff. We all have our moments of insecurity. You get it out, have people tell you that you are wrong and point out all the good stuff, and then you move on and feel better. LOL
As for the bottle thing, LittleMan never took a bottle. EVER. Try going for a sippy cup/cup with a straw in it. It worked for us, and we never had to break him from the bottle habit.
30 Nov 2007 at 8:17 pm
Pitbull eh? I come from a family of ‘em!! We love a good discussion. No offence taken at all. Sorry I rambled on so long……
Oh and Jeff, great skills!!
I have not seen ‘Meet the Focker’ so I Googled moobs. Found a very funny blog.
30 Nov 2007 at 11:52 pm
It may sound and feel insurmountable now, but those babies grow up very fast. On Dec. 27th our only child will be 36 years old. I remember the days (weeks?) of throwing pity parties for one reason or another: we were living in Germany at the time; I didn’t have a phone; I had never been a mother before, etc.. But you have hit on the real thing that counts. You are THERE. You won’t give up because it is hard.
* congrats on passing the driving test!!
01 Dec 2007 at 12:30 am