“Go ahead you can
Laugh all you want
I got my philosophy
Keeps my feet on the ground
And I trust it like the ground…”

-Ben Folds – “Philosophy”

I’ve always admired the eternal optimists among you – those who look for the silver lining, walk on the sunny side of the street or always look at the bright side of life. But that’s not really me. I’m the kind of fellow who expects the worst and then is pleasantly surprised when things turn out not as bad as I had feared. I’m not saying it’s a good one, nor am I advocating that you take it on, but it’s a philosophy.

On very rare occasions, this expect the worst approach fails me. Here’s an example: one of the many hoops that I have to jump through in order to get an Australian visa (more on that another time) is an extremely rigorous health check. This includes blood tests (to check for HIV and other communicable diseases, invasive physical exam and a chest X-ray (TB). Well, I went up to the radiology department of the hospital for the routine chest X-ray yesterday – another box ticked. But then I got a call at lunchtime today from the radiologist’s office asking be to come back because the doctor “wanted to have another look from a different angle.” Here is where, as the English say, my philosophy went pear shaped.

My philosophy is based on the premise that even the worst case scenario isn’t that bad. For example – our flight to Canada at the holidays with Z. Even if everything went wrong – Z screamed the whole way, cancellations, delays – the worst case was a rotten, but finite, trip. Not exactly the end of the world. A potential medical complication, well – while I do tend toward the melodramatic – the worst case scenario is pretty bad. Since this phone call this afternoon, my mind has raced through the possibilities, I’ve done research on what a chest X-ray can diagnose (tuberculosis, congenital heart disease, cancer, pneumonia, etc.), I’ve begun to feel short of breath and a tightness in my chest. I’ve been thinking about nearly two decades of smoking – ironically enough, I quit a year ago today.

I want to stress that nobody has given me any reason to believe that there is anything wrong. The most likely scenario is that the radiographer that did the X-ray yesterday made a mistake and they needed to redo it to satisfy the (extremely fussy) Australian immigration folks. But conversations like this one when I returned to have the second X-ray taken today don’t help:

Me: So, why am I back? Did the doctor see something on the original X-ray?
Radiographer: I’m not actually sure. I just take the X-rays.
Me: Because it does concern me somewhat, you know, having to come back the next day. Should I be worried?
Radiographer: No, no. You shouldn’t worry. I’m sure it’s fine. Actually, I’m not sure and I couldn’t tell you if there was something wrong, but don’t worry.

I like to end my posts with a pithy lesson learned, life goes on. Unfortunately I can’t do that today. I have no happy ending to share, no lesson learned. Everything is probably OK, but it might not be. It has, however, made me feel a lot better to write about it. And I think I’ve nearly convinced Dr. O’C that her oatmeal-raisin cookies, perhaps the best in the world, would do a lot to assuage my fears.

“And thats why my philosophy
It keeps me walking when I’m falling down
I see that there is evil
And I know that there is good
And the inbetweens
I never understood
Won’t you look at me
I’m crazy
But I get the job done…”

* Not my chest x-ray above.

 
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