Aluminum, tastes like fear
When I was a younger man I lived in Athens, Georgia and worked behind the counter of a popular coffee house. It was a wonderful job because built into it was the opportunity to meet and chat with the illuminati of the Classic City. One of them, the lead singer of a rock band who shall remain nameless, used to come into my coffee shop when he was in town. He was a shameless flirt and when I crossed his path, he would turn his twinkling blue eyes on me. I was well rooted into heterosexuality by that point in my life so I considered it little more than flattering.
OK, that’s not exclusively true - this guy was one of the biggest rock stars on the planet at the time, so flattery is an understatement. As for my heterosexual roots, I’m not sure how far my protestations and denials would have stretched.
I used to get teased incessantly by friends and co-workers about this incessantly. They would call me Mrs. Rock Star X, they would turn on some of his more suggestive songs as soon as he walked into the coffee shop and so on. One late Friday night I had been drinking in the way I drank, immoderately, at the bar next door. I stumbled over to the coffee shop to try and straighten up a bit. I came up to the counter and asked one of my coffee-slinging colleagues for a perk me up. My barrista buddy started giving me the business about my rock star paramour and, in a fit of frustrated drunken rage, I loudly proclaimed: “I will not fuck Rock Star X!”
The rest happened in slow motion. My friend’s face dropped and his eyes focused on a point behind me. I knew before I turned, but I turned anyway and saw not only Rock Star X, but his manager, lawyer, and another well known chanteuse of the day, let’s call her “Ophelia”. I couldn’t actually tell you the expressions on their faces as I was sprinting in shame out of the shop.
From that point on whenever Rock Star X came into the shop, I would dart to the back and swap with whoever was doing the dishes so I didn’t have to deal with my shame. I did that for months.
There’s a happy ending. One day, whilst I was washing the dishes, Rock Star X poked his head around the corner and said in his inimitable voice, “Hi Chris, long time no see. You OK?” That’s why I still buy their albums even though they haven’t done a great one since 1996.
—————
There is no point to this story other than to say that “New Adventures in Hi Fi”* is one of the all time best albums for travelers. It was written and recorded on the road and that sense of moving while standing still pervades the record. It is the perfect soundtrack for this drawn out circumnavigation. This morning, I woke up dying - in pain, voiceless except for the muscular contractions that forced out mucus and tore the lining of my throat. My slightly weakened physical state made my defenses just porous enough for that little germ called anxiety to slip in.
And, while my immune system is busy with other matters, that niggling anxiety has multiplied to full borne fear. If the truth be told, I am scared shitless. I mean what kind of idiot moves his family half way around the world with no job and no house. What kind of pater familias am I? Is this all going to crumble around us like an illusion? More importantly can I keep it together? It was one thing when I was flitting around the U.S. in a pick-up truck with a steamer trunk. Wandering the world with a family in tow - well that a whole different box of spiders.
“These corrosives do their magic slowly and sweet
Phone, eat it, drink
Just another chink
Cuts and dents, they catch the light
Aluminum, the weakest link…”
-R.E.M.* - “E-Bow The Letter”
R.E.M.’s essential “New Adventures in Hi-Fi” is available from 
and Amazon
* This should not necessarily be taken to imply that Michael Stipe was Rock Star X. The pictures, of course, are just gratuitous showing off of my new toy.
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That’s a great story, and it’s not fair that you’re withholding identities. I am most certainly assuming that you could have been Mrs. Michael Stipe. Alex, however, thinks you would have been Mrs. Fred Schneider.
19 Apr 2008 at 2:00 am
Yeah, I am totally am board with Nichole on this one. Christ with a coffee cup, I wish I’d been there that night.
As for “Ophelia”, one of my greatest disappointments was I did not get their fried chicken when I lived in Decatur.
Not Afraid To Use It’s last blog post..Just Like Betty Crocker, But Not
19 Apr 2008 at 2:11 am
Oh my gosh, how embarassing. I don’t know what I would have done. ‘Course that’s irrelevant since he wouldn’t have been flirting with *me* in the first place!
Are you getting used to the new toy? I love the picture of Sinead and Zach.
Jessica K’s last blog post..Beware the Species
19 Apr 2008 at 3:13 am
R.E.M. had a great interview and performance on Colbert a couple weeks ago…
http://www.comedycentral.com/colbertreport/videos.jhtml?episodeId=164529
19 Apr 2008 at 3:27 pm
As a proto-whacko-REM devotee from the minute “Murmur” hit the airwaves of my college radio station back in the day (way back in the day), I can honestly say I would have dumped my girlfriend for Michael Stipe in a heartbeat back then.
I mean, I’m glad now that I never really had to face that choice, but I sure did love that band.
Unfortunately, that crush ended with “Shiny Happy People.”
Ray’s last blog post..Abbey
19 Apr 2008 at 4:25 pm
I’ve heard the Rockstar X story several times before, but never in so much detail. Thanks for filling in the gaps!
Good luck with the move. It’s certainly a big deal, and being scared shitless probably means you’re being a responsible father, not that you’re an idiot. We wish you the best.
19 Apr 2008 at 6:24 pm
What a great story! Although it’s never happened to me, I just dread the day when I have one of those “don’t turn around right now, but …” stories. Hilarious. Just think, you came this close to appearing in his VH1 “Behind the Music” episode.
BusyDad’s last blog post..W8 Loss Wednesday #2 - The Fury Diet
19 Apr 2008 at 10:27 pm
THAT story made my night. I once walked though the university with my dress tucked into my bright fuscha Hanes her Way underwear. But that is nothing compared to that one.
On the other note, that virus is attacking all over the world. So good luck with it, but be thankful your willing to pack up and make that move. Most people allow their lives to crawl by at a snail’s pace because they are terrified that if they make a change and it fails the world will laugh. One of my fav lines is from Jack Gilbert’s poem “Failing and Flying”I believe Icarus was not failing as he fell, But just coming to the end of his triumph.”
Let Zack grow up seeing that there is more to life than a safe, slow,death. And it all works out in the end anyway!
19 Apr 2008 at 11:42 pm
Hey! Just wanted to say hi to another American expat. Found you on fuel my blog and love your blog! I’m a cutline user too
Kristie’s last blog post..Hello From India
20 Apr 2008 at 2:01 pm
Chris,
First of all, I want to tell you that your pictures look great. You are going to help speed the process up of Jessica getting a new camera of her own (though I may need your wife to barter for us since we both are terrible at it). As for the story, it is a good one. I have always loved REM. Their music reminds me of my college days. I am glad to hear the Rockstar X is that type of guy.
Jeff Keith’s last blog post..2007 Highlights: Hawaii Meets the Juggernaut
20 Apr 2008 at 2:24 pm
Backs to the wall boys!!! I once worked in a theatre restaurant with an entire cast of gay guys and my boyfriend at the time was a source of great joy to all of them. He took it all in his stride and although he maintained he would ‘deck’ any one of them if they ever ‘made a move’, I saw no such response when one of them kissed him one New Year’s Eve. No, what I saw instead was white faced fear.
Speaking of which…..it’s going to be OK. Really!!
I can point you towards the unemployment office
arizaphale’s last blog post..For Those Who Love Learning
20 Apr 2008 at 4:44 pm
This is my first time at your blog. It’s a pleasure to read such competent writing. Not only was that a great story, but it was well told.
Good luck with your box of spiders.
Carla @ WordPlay’s last blog post..Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms Who Blog
21 Apr 2008 at 3:28 am
Great story Chris. Hope you guys are enjoying FLA. Wish I could make it down to say hello since you are stateside, but alas.
Anyway, the move will be more than fine I am quite sure!
21 Apr 2008 at 5:38 am
I laughed out loud reading this, and I really needed that today. Ha!
As for the moving, I understand your fear but have full confidence you’ll do great Down Under. Until then, enjoy Florida!
courtney’s last blog post..We Were On A Break
21 Apr 2008 at 4:24 pm
You probably should have fucked him. I mean, that would be a story, n’est pas?
I’m envious of your sojourn in Athens. During my college days, the best we could say was that Creed started out here, and that’s not saying much.
Gypsy’s last blog post..Down on the farm
21 Apr 2008 at 4:52 pm
Hell, I got Finger Eleven from my hometown…what do you MEAN you’ve never heard of them? Oh, perhaps I should refer to them with the name they started out with: Rainbow Butt Monkeys.
My pride is boundless, I shit you not…
21 Apr 2008 at 9:56 pm
Hey - I went to school in Athens and had a very good friend who had several flings with a Mr Mills. Ah, good times.
Good luck with the move!
22 Apr 2008 at 9:50 am
OK, was it Michael Stipe or not? Come on, man, don’t make me bust out my detective skills — I’m on a deadline! (hence the waaaay-behindness of my feed reader and just now getting to this post.)
You are a good and brave dad, by the way. I can tell. Everything will be fine - better than fine. Everything will be shiny and happy.
Seriously, was it Michael Stipe?
Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..Just another dead kid to remember on my runs *(updated at bottom)*
22 Apr 2008 at 4:41 pm
Just ran across this blog while looking up the lyrics to this fantastic song. Great story, BTW. I spent four years in Athens for school and never ran into Rock Star X.
And I agree, New Adventures in Hi Fi is a great album.
14 Nov 2008 at 10:09 am