A Free Man

The normally reserved Dr. O’C speaks. This week, pregnancy…

So I am pregnant.  Without wanting to be.  I spend the next two weeks traveling around the U.S. for work.  I get back on a Wednesday, am expected in London for a meeting first thing Thursday, get out of bed, throw up, miss the train, go back to bed and spend the next 10 weeks feeling sick morning, noon and night.  This does nothing for my attitude towards impending motherhood.

My brain is programmed to eat when I feel nauseous. I don’t know why but it is. I found myself eating constantly. I would wake at 4 a.m., feel sick and go eat a banana or a biscuit. I called my sister, mother of two fabulous boys, told her my news (she was excited to be an aunt) and asked for her cure for morning sickness. The bitch (is that a bit harsh?) never suffered morning sickness.

I am still in shock.  I haven’t even been to see a doctor at this point.  It would somehow make it real.  When I finally do go she is a bit shocked I haven’t been to see her earlier.  Scans are booked and the pregnancy progresses.  My family is very excited by the news.  Some are shocked - one cousin said noone else getting pregnant would have shocked her more.  I am assuming she is excluding all male acquaintances and those well under child-bearing age.  We laugh and joke about this, and still the pregnancy doesn’t feel real.  We have the ultrasounds, see the heart beat, the hands, feet, head.  A little person on the screen.  The tears role down my cheek, but it isn’t joy, it is fear, a little bit of disbelief and realization that the pregnancy test wasn’t a false positive.

The next few months go by and I get bigger (at one point Chris uses the word huge, not something he will ever do again!).  I don’t really acknowledge the pregnancy.  Chris has started his blog by now and my friends contact him surprised at the news of my pregnancy.  It’s not that I didn’t want them to know, I just knew telling them would make the whole thing more real.  I continue to get up at 6:15 a.m. to walk/waddle the dog for 45 minutes.  I bike into town and back up the huge hill to our house whilst 6 months pregnant and nearly pass out as my blood pressure skyrocketed with the exertion. I work long hours and it becomes a struggle to fit my expanding waist line behind a microscope or a desk. Chris has to draw the line at me going on a work trip to Guatemala.  My mum flies in from Ireland to drag me shopping for the baby essentials. Apart from the pram, which cost more than my first car, I have no interest in pottering around baby stores and getting things like a cot or a car seat.

Chris dragged me to antenatal classes, and would bollock me on the way home for questioning the spaced out hippy who was conducting the classes in a ‘snarky’ way. When I made a ‘stork is going to bring me my baby’ joke, she didn’t even smile!I continue to push myself way too hard, ignore the fact that I am pregnant. Chris thinks I am trying to be a hero, one of those women who try to do everything just to show how hard they are.  I am not hard. I am in denial.  I continue to be in denial when my waters break walking the dog, 45 minutes after getting home from work, 9 days before my due date. Not sure how much longer this denial can last.

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