And then I see a darkness
As you very likely know, Dr. O’C has taken on a chunk of the writing duties here at A Free Man while your underwhelming correspondent is burning the employment candle at both ends. What you may not know is that she’s largely taken over the photography duties as well. Pretty much any photo of Baby Z in the last month or so that doesn’t also have Dr. O’C in it, was taken by Dr. O’C. And I must say she’s getting pretty good at it. This photo of Z is one of my favorites to date.
Now, I may be overthinking this, as it is my tendence to do, but I think I see a darkness in these shots. It may be the literal darkness - dark clothes, high contrast. But my fear is that there’s something more. It’s a fear I’ve had since I found out Dr. O’C was pregnant. The curse of being a geneticist is that you can’t help but think about everything in terms of 
heritability. There are a number of traits that I would rather not pass on to my son. Dark obsessions, addictions and compulsions that I have fought my way through but only after years of struggle. Since, Dr. O’C fell pregnant I’ve hoped that her genes were just a little bit more potent than mine. That rather than my fierce introversion he gets his mother’s easy sociabibility. Rather than my introspective depression he gets his mother’s level headedness. Rather than my tendency to self-absorption he gets his mother’s generosity of spirit.
Or maybe, at the very least, he could get the alleles that give the men in her family a full head of hair into their old age. Maybe sometimes a photo is just a photo.
I couldn’t decide which version of this Will Oldham song I preferred, the Bonnie “Prince” Billy original or Johnny Cash’s cover. So, I’m sharing them both. They’re both spectacular.
Bonnie “Prince” Billy’s “I See A Darkness” and Johnny Cash’s “American III: Solitary Man” are available from 
.
Bonnie 'Prince' Billy - "I See A Darkness" [4:50m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download Johnny Cash - "I See A Darkness": Play Now | Play in Popup | DownloadPopularity: 24% [?]
He does look a lot like you in these pictures. I think it’s the expression in the second one that really does it. Don’t worry too much about passing on your “bad” traits. Instead, concentrate on influencing him with your good side. Teach him to play euchre and make cornbread. He’s going to be delightful.
Nicholes last blog post..Basking in chocolatey goodness
18 Jul 2008 at 10:03 pm
I don’t see any darkness in these photos but yeah, I hope he has my sparkling personality:) Oh and my photos kick ass.
18 Jul 2008 at 10:15 pm
Jeez, how can you say there is darkness (other than the physical) in a photo of a child not yet a yr old? He doesn’t have a chance with that impending doom. How about the 5million other bright and sunny photos you have of Z, have they suddenly lost their shine? I’m with Dr. O’ C on this one. No darkness here:)
19 Jul 2008 at 12:36 am
Those eyes are amazing!
Starrlights last blog post..If You’re Gonna Do It, Do It Right!
19 Jul 2008 at 12:43 am
I think you’re tending towards introspective depression here. He is a complete delight. He has even stopped crying when he looks at me. Just.
Oh and you play euchre???? Duuuuuuude!!!!!! Can we play? Huh? Canwe, canwe???
arizaphales last blog post..Phrase Friday
19 Jul 2008 at 1:05 am
Sometimes a photo is just a photo. But those long commutes when one is tired and alone make it easy to go down that road. From one fellow traveller to another, anyway.
NATUIs last blog post..The Closer I Am To Fine
19 Jul 2008 at 2:58 am
I was having a similar conversation with an English prof. friend of mine (who has a little girl same age as ours), worrying about what horrible personality traits of mine I would pass on to my daughter. She suggested this poem from Philip Larkin:
This Be The Verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
As you might surmise, it did not make me feel any better.
19 Jul 2008 at 6:50 am
I am with you Carol ann, Chris is a bit of a drama queen:)
19 Jul 2008 at 8:27 am
Yeah, so chances are he’ll have the Drama Queen allele as well! Thanks for making my point.
Arizaphale, I’m not sure that someone not crying when they see you is necessarily a sign of being mentally well balanced.
Thanks for the poem, J, that rocks!
A Free Mans last blog post..And then I see a darkness
19 Jul 2008 at 8:38 am
hey, working in child protection you see how much nuture has a lot of influence over nature, or more than really ‘nuture’, more like environmental factors play a big effect- things people say or do when you are a child can have a big impact, more than I thought. random encounters with strangers in the street, times at school, holidays etc all make you who you are.
also would you like to know i lost my virginity to bonnie prince bille’s version, and i love that song, but not for that reason, as that was pretty shit. but the song rocks!
20 Jul 2008 at 3:04 am
Hey, let me welcome myself to this blog, first of all. He is cute, I’ll give you that. Nothing wrong with fierce introversion. Or is there? Damn. My Honey is also the social one. It actually got to the point that people think I have a hug-a-phobia. She just hugs everyone. I’m a bit more selective with my arms.
People in the Suns last blog post..Kosher Leftovers
20 Jul 2008 at 3:08 am
I am assuming that the phrase
‘I’m not sure someone not crying when they see you is necessarily a sign of being well balanced’
has the emphasis on the word ‘you’?
Anyway, I didn’t see too much evidence of fierce introversion the other night. There seemed to be plenty of sociabibility there!!
arizaphales last blog post..It’s Here: Semester 2
21 Jul 2008 at 7:38 am
SSG: You’re assuming that I’m nurturing Baby Z. Thanks also for the TMI moment.
PITS: I don’t necessarily think that there’s anything wrong with fierce introversion, just makes growing up that much more difficult. Or at least on appearances the people who are socially competent seem to be having an easier time of it.
Ariza: I think that the emphasis would have been on “not”, the second “not”, or “necessarily” maybe. Hell, I can’t remember. As for lack of fierce introversion - I’ve gotten to know y’all now, so you won’t be able to shut me up.
22 Jul 2008 at 8:12 am
heh heh heh Amen to that
arizaphales last blog post..Give It Me Baby…ah huh huh…
23 Jul 2008 at 10:33 pm