Went out swimming, got hit by a jet-ski.
“She’s got eyes of deepest blue
He’s got hair that’s green
Everybody’s got nice stuff but me
I wish I had the kind of cash
To make heads turn when I walk past
I wish I could live in luxury
Everybody’s got nice stuff but me…”
-The Dead Milkmen - “Everybody’s Got Nice Stuff But Me”
As our bus pulled away from Oxford on a cold late-March morning, Dr. O’C uttered the phrase that I knew would define the next month or so of our lives:
“We’re homeless with too much luggage.”
And that was the case as we trundled our way down to Oz, via family visits on the way. Living out of a few suitcases, going places but nowhere fast. It wasn’t easy, but it was manageable - especially with an end date, a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I was delusional, but I figured most of the stuff that we shipped from Britain would get to Oz shortly after we did. I assumed that I’d be reunited with my computer, the bulk of my clothes, my books, my kitchen knives, and so on. If you had told me that four months after leaving Britain we would still be living out of the same suitcases, well, I certainly would have packed more socks.
But, nearly four months to the day that Simpsons Removal and Storage came and collected our worldly possessions I’m still cycling through the same handful of underwear, still staring at blank walls in our new home, still cursing at the creaky old Mac laptop. I’m still shivering my way to the bus stop in the morning in a completely unsuitable jacket (that I nearly threw away when we left Sweden). And Z has grown out of all the Georgia Bulldogs clothing that we brought with us. At least that’s what Dr. O’C tells me.
Now, you’re probably thinking to yourself, how long does it take for a container full of personal itemes to get from England to Australia? Is four months a long time? Average cargo ship takes 32 -40 days - less than six weeks - to make that voyage, which begs the question - where has our stuff been?
Well for the first two months, it sat in the Simpsons Removals and Storage* warehouse in Kent. You see, when Dr. O’C negotiated the deal with Simpsons (this was during her “Don’t Get Done, Get Dom” phase) they neglected to point out that despite being a moving company, they actually suck quite badly at moving things. This lapse in providing us with accurate information sort of foreshadowed the remainder of our experience with them. Customer service is not Simpsons Removal and Storage’s strong point. They neglected to let us know anything about our shipment, they neglected to let us know when we owed them money, they neglected to let us know when payments didn’t clear properly. 
To be fair to Simpsons**, as uninspired I am to do so, it’s not all their fault. They finally got our container to Melbourne in late June. For the last month it has been sitting in Customs in Melbourne waiting for inspection. It was inspected and contraband was found in the form of a stupid little wooden seagull, common in seafood restaurants all over the Atlantic seaboard. Australian Customs prides itself in protecting Australia’s borders from the entry of illegal and harmful goods, potential terrorist threats and unauthorised people. And apparently tacky sculpture. The best part? We had the option of paying Customs $90 to destroy the seagull or $260 to irradiate it and make it safe for Australia. I guess you’ve got to pay for all that protection somehow. To add insult to injury, we had to wait another week or so for the customs agents to come back and burn the damn bird.
Barring any unforeseen circumstances the 36 boxes containing the physical trappings of our lives will be on our doorstep by Thursday.
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* I’m repeatedly naming Simpsons Removals & Storage, the shipping company from Kent (UK), because I’m hoping that when ‘Googled’ this post will be available for people who are thinking of using Simpsons Removal & Storage for their move. Don’t do it.
** That was Simpsons Removal and Storage.
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The Dead Milkmen’s “Beelzebubba” is available from 
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Popularity: 72% [?]
Whereas I used White and Co who managed to get my container safely here the week after I arrived. Australian Customs however kept it for another week to remove the contraband eggshell Christmas decoration which I had inadvertently packed in amongst the three boxes of other Christmas decorations. How the hell do they find these things? I appealed their decision to destroy it however pointing out that it was in fact a 28 year old AUSTRALIAN eggshell decoration lovingly crafted by my sister when she was 6 and that any traces of AUSTRALIAN salmonella would surely have worn off by now. It was duly returned to me, albeit with a slight crack. They wouldn’t give me back my dried and gold dipped oranges though! Maybe it was the cloves?
Oh, that was White and Co by the way. For future reference.
arizaphales last blog post..Veterinary Emergency?
29 Jul 2008 at 9:32 pm
The only problem I had with my international moving and storage companies were broken things. I always ended up with lots of broken things. But nothing ever valuable enough to waste the months I would need to file insurance claims.
I’m lost. Why was the seagull a threat? The wood? What?
All in all, I’m really glad your material lives will be reunited with you soon. I mean, Z NEEDS the rest of that Georgia attire, you know.
So that was Simpsons Removal and Storage? The Simpsons Removal and Storage in the UK? Out of Kent? (just doing my part)
29 Jul 2008 at 9:42 pm
Simpsons removal and Co SUCK!!!!!!!! Chris, you were a lot kinder than I would have been. I can’t wait to get my boots and winter jackets.
Oh and thanks Angel for doing your bit:)
29 Jul 2008 at 11:01 pm
To be fair, the wood seagull thing was done to keep pests from invading your new homeland. The emerald ash borer is currently tearing trees to shreds her in the Midwest…after coming to the US from Asia in packing crate wood. I think it might actually be illegal now to move firewood across state lines here to keep the movement of the beetle to a minimum.
29 Jul 2008 at 11:55 pm
Did they at least let you keep the seagulls ‘cremains’ so you could display the poor bloke on your mantel in an urn?
So glad that your stuff will finally be arriving before one of you acquires hypothermia.
If I ever make it out of the US to the UK, most especially Kent, I will be sure to never use Simpsons Removal and Co.
30 Jul 2008 at 1:08 am
Last time I moved, I used a company called “Two Guys and A Truck. ” I’m not making that up.
Of course, our journey was little less rigorous than yours.
Rays last blog post..The Waiting Game
30 Jul 2008 at 1:38 am
$90 to destroy a stupid wooden seagull? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard in a while.
And I’ll be happy to send you some Georgia TECH stuff for Zach that he’ll be sure to fit into for a long time to come.
courtneys last blog post..I Wanna Believe!
30 Jul 2008 at 3:49 am
You mean they actually inspect those containers? Wow. I wonder how my plant made it through? When I unpacked my bathroom goods, I discovered a ponytail plant I had in my old bathroom. It’s now thriving in the English climate.
KathyFs last blog post..It’s Not the Heat, It’s the Nudity
30 Jul 2008 at 4:18 am
When my family and I moved to Australia we were told our dog would have to stay in quarantine for SIX MONTHS before she could join. We had to leave her with relatives. Yup, the Aussie customs sure are intense.
Mike from the Newborn Identitys last blog post..Maddie’s First Keg Party!!
30 Jul 2008 at 5:32 am
God! It’s been so long since I heard The Dead Milkmen! I owned Eat Your Paisley when I was in school, and hung out with punks for a while. It all ended when they stole some of my drawings to burn in an Aleister Crowley inspired seance. Then I came to the same conclusion as you, underneath our “uniforms” we’re all the same.
30 Jul 2008 at 8:37 am
dude, that sucks. i have to say your junk moving story beat mine. we made a move from san diego, ca to sun valley, id and the shipment was only a week late, they only got lost 3 times, only one of the delivery guys got arrested by the ketchum, id police and they only did about $1000 in damage. all that for a meager $6000. sweet deal.
anywho, congrats on the soon to be replenished sock drawers.
holly*s last blog post..blackberry season.
30 Jul 2008 at 9:50 am
Irradiate the friggin’ cheesy-ass seagull?
OK, I may visit there someday, but I definitely can’t move there now. What the hell would I do with all my chotchkies that currently cover my book cases? Too bad you couldn’t run the thing by a local oncology center and get it certified.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughters last blog post..Fears
30 Jul 2008 at 11:51 am
I never thought I would hear the words “irradiate” and “seagull” in the same sentence unless I was cooking lunch.
We had a fairly good experience shipping our worldly goods from Sweden to the US. Though the shitty thing was that the transport cost from Savannah to ATL cost more that the actual shipping from Stockholm to the US. Un-fucking-believable.
NATUIs last blog post..WW: Who Is Walking Whom?
30 Jul 2008 at 12:28 pm
Oh, and by the way. I need to mention that you should have KNOWN that is was going to be a nightmare to use this company. They aren’t called Simpsons Removal and Storage and MOVING, for christssake. They are called Simpsons Removal and Storage. And that is what they did. Remove and store.
NATUIs last blog post..WW: Who Is Walking Whom?
30 Jul 2008 at 12:36 pm
Arizaphale - I’m desperately hoping that we don’t need another overseas shipper.
Angel - Thanks for doing your bit. We’re already on the Google for Simpsons Removal and Storage. Nathan pedantically explained the wood problem.
Dr. O’C - I think it’s well established that I’m nicer than you.
Nathan - I’ve got your emerald ash borer right here.
Vixen - I think the seagull cost us $5 on sale from Pier One. I’ll be OK without it.
Ray - Two Guys and a Truck sounds pretty good to me at this point. I’m pretty sure that you could get from Oxford to Adelaide in less than four months by truck.
Courtney - I knew there was something wrong with you, I just couldn’t figure out what it was. Now I now - a Techie. The worst kind of evil doer.
Kathy - the UK is pretty nonchalant about what, or who, comes into their country. Not so the Aussies. Your pony tail palm would have got you in all sorts of trouble.
Mike - fortunately, they’ve relaxed the quarantine thing a bit. Our dog only had to spend a month in nick. Six months would have been too much for us as well.
Holly - I think you’re going to need to talk about that move, partoicularly the part about the mover getting arrested in Ketchum.
CMG - Your chotkies would be OK as long as they weren’t organic. Or you were willing to bribe Customs.
NATUI - I reckon it would have cost us more to move it within the continental US as well. You’re absolutely right about the name - how could we have not seen it!
30 Jul 2008 at 1:22 pm
Oh dear. You have my every sympathy, that is terrible. Makes being without internet for a week seem pretty tame!
About the seagull - we’ve already got enough seagulls here - that’s all the explanation needed. $90 to destroy it though - what a pile of shite.
Here in Oz we’re all about unnecessary fees. As a teacher, I’m required to pay to the Victorian Insititute of Education an annual $65 fee in order to be permitted to do the job that I spend 4 years (and thousands of dollars) training for. If you don’t want to be associated with a telephone company any more *cough* TELSTRA *cough* because their service is shithouse, YOU have to pay THEM around $200 for the privelege of not having to pay them any more ever again. My car rego this year set me back over $400. Bank fees - why do I have to pay somebody in order to withdraw and manage my own money? Melbourne’s Citylink was built to the tune of millions of dollars that I’m certain have already been paid by hundreds of times over by stupid tolls.
And so on…I should stop. I think I sound a little bitter!
Agness last blog post..Poor Jon
30 Jul 2008 at 8:29 pm
That poor seagull.
And poor you for being belongingless for so long!
Gypsys last blog post..“He’s a grown up”*
31 Jul 2008 at 12:30 am
I’ve had the opposite experience. Mind you, I’ve had my worldly goods lovingly dissembled, catalogued, bubble wrapped and hand-packed by movers in Japan. Exquisite. I didn’t want to unpack the stuff; the boxes were so beautiful.
Mind you, some of the dolts who packed and unpacked my stuff in the USA needed to be instructed how to screw a coffee table together.
Now, the seagull. I believe that the problem is that the wood is all natural and earthy and unprocessed. If the wood is cured (like lumber you buy at the hardware store) then it’s OK.
I was once carrying a brace of cedar sake cups into Oz, and deliberately declared them in the red lane. The customs officer said that they were fine because the wood was obviously dried first.
Personally, I would have blown the dough on the irradiation. A glow-in-the-dark atomic seagull on the mantlepiece? Kewl!
headbang8s last blog post..A public rehearsal
31 Jul 2008 at 4:50 pm
Having moved internationally a number of times i have had similar challenging experiences. When we moved from Indiana to Germany many years ago they stored the stoved that should have been shipped and shipped some of the stuff that should have been stored.
Nothing like the Simpsons Removal and Storage disaster your experienced.
At the end when we though we were to get a suitcase release it turned out the we had to go buy new things.
Can you explain why the wood seagull. Are they worried about bugs on the wood? WoW!
Busy Dad Mumbless last blog post..Update
03 Aug 2008 at 9:09 am
UPDATE
Stuff is here and I am happily in a fresh pair of underwear.
Agnes - I’m astounded by the amount of bureaucracy in Oz. I thought it was bad in Britain, but you guys seem to have made it into an art form.
Headbang8 - I can only imagine the Japanese attention detail when it comes to packing. Speaking of Byzantine cultures.
05 Aug 2008 at 3:19 pm