I know that I’m about as far from objective as I am from my homeland, but this week’s installment of Dr. O’C’s recounting of pregnancy and childbirth struck me to the quick. I’m not one to be quoting poetry, but her post this week made me think of a Robert Frost poem that I must have read in college:

I craved strong sweets, but those
Seemed strong when I was young;
The petal of the rose
It was that stung.Now no joy but lacks salt,
That is not dashed with pain…

The green light to push. SHIT! Now comes the hard and painful part right?  Not so much.  I can’t feel anything with the epidural and am completely reliant on the midwife to tell me when I am in the middle of a contraction and when to push.  So I push for a bit, rest, push etc. I remember doing the breathing thing like they teach you in antenatal class and Chris doing it in my ear with me.  So far so good.  All very calm.  But then in come the doctors, they chat with the midwife over in the corner.  I (naively) assume that they are talking about someone else.  A doctor had been in previously to examine me.  But then they explain that because I had been in labour so long the baby’s heart rate wasn’t recovering at the end of every contraction.  They said it very calmly.  Explained that they were just going to help out a bit with a plunger! (Proper term is a Ventouse).  Turn the babies head or something and hopefully that would do it.  Chris started to get a bit panicky and so did I when I saw the size of the toilet plunger that was about to enter me.  Chris assured me later it wasn’t really THAT big, but at the time it looked bloody enormous.  Then things got a bit scary.  It is all a bit of a blur now, but I remember the panic in Chris’s face when a pediatrician came in pushing an elaborate life support cart.  I tried to reassure him, but was a bit frightened myself.  We later found out this was completely normal procedure.  A few more pushes and out came the baby, it was a boy – Z.  He was whipped onto my stomach for some skin-to-skin contact and then whisked away to the cart for some tests.  He was fine, but I wasn’t.

The long labour took its toll and I was (to put it bluntly) torn to bits.  I lost a litre of blood and knew that things weren’t great when several doctors spent time arguing about whether or not we could get access to an operating theatre.  All that kept going through my head was ‘But the baby is born, why would I need to be in an operating theatre?’  The lovely Irish obstetrician spent the next 55 minutes stitching me up.  I knew how long it took because I could see the clock ticking by.  I remember talking about Ireland, about my Nana who played camogie for Ireland (the OB played as well) and about other mundane things.  I remember Chris asking if I wanted to hold Z.  I mentally couldn’t.  This wasn’t the happy but exhausted holding the baby scenario I had imagined it would be after he was born.  Mostly I remember the OB telling me that it would only take 20 or so minutes and getting scared when it went much longer.  I remember all the bloody gauze that she seemed to be going through.  I tried to stay calm but 45 minutes into this ordeal I couldn’t.  I started to cry. She finished up, I begged Chris to get me a private room (which you could pay for if available).  Finally I was able to hold Z, but to be honest I don’t even remember it now.  I don’t remember the first time I held my baby.

A lovely midwifery assistant brought me toast and yoghurt and washed me down and got me into some PJs.  She helped me feed Z, which was a very strange sensation.  I was wheeled upstairs to a private room thankfully and we just sat and stared at Z.  I could barely move, Chris had to go home and here I was left with a baby who was big and swollen and surprisingly clean.

Chris came in the next morning with bundles of blue clothes.  Clearly excited and besotted and a little better rested than I.  Nurses, Doctors and Physiotherapists came by and checked up on us both.  They garbled a bunch of instructions at me but I was too exhausted to take much in.  We went off to the pediatrician to have him checked over and he peed on the intern.  We registered his birth and I begged to be let go home.  I didn’t want to stay in the hospital any longer than I needed.  In retrospect I probably should have.  I was weak, battered and probably in a bit of shock from the trauma of the birth.  I thought if I went home everything would be normal.  I finally convinced them and left with a bag of drugs to take over the coming weeks, and a kid!  I also left with explicit instructions not to lift anything heavier than the baby for 6 weeks.  I think in retrospect they should have told me to consider my wound as serious as a c-section because then maybe I wouldn’t have been so blasé about the whole thing and maybe it wouldn’t have gotten worse.

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