This Week On The (Dr.) O’C: The “L” Word
You’ve got to love happy endings. In what could be Dr. O’C’s final post here on A Free Man, we get just that…
At some point my attitude to motherhood started to improve. I don’t know when that happened, but it did. I am a better mum than I thought I would be. For the first few months, I would tell Z that I loved him, over and over but I don’t really think I meant it. I said it more to convince myself of that fact. I know that I was meant to feel this unconditional love for him. Instead I didn’t really feel anything for him. Sure he was a cute baby and it was nice when he smiled, but it could have been any baby.
Initially we had planned that I would take 4-5 months off work, but when February loomed I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t put this helpless individual into day care 10 hours a day. I didn’t know how it would work. How would I get up, walk the dog, get Z and myself dressed and out the door. Plenty of people do it. I just didn’t know how it would work for me. It comes back to my fear of new things or a new way of doing things. A fear I never knew I had before Z was born. I walk the dog the same route every morning. I get up, walk dog, shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, dry hair and leave for work. In that order, every morning. I don’t think I ever changed it. It was the most efficient way of starting my day. But looking back, was I inflexible and stuck in my ways? With Z, although it took a long time to establish, I was used to doing things a certain way and couldn’t imagine fitting work into it. I also couldn’t imagine that I would be comfortable leaving him with anyone else.
The irony of the situation is that before I got pregnant and even during my pregnancy I worried if I was capable of taking a whole 4 months off work. I thought that would be pushing the limits of my sanity. I am a social person, I love to talk, interact with people and find out about them. But mostly I knew that I would go insane if I stayed at home with a baby (and I kind of did). If Chris could have taken paternity leave, I think that we would have both jumped at the chance. And now here I was, not wanting to go back to work because I was both afraid of the logistics of doing what millions of people do every day, getting themselves and a baby ready and out the door in the morning and I was getting attached to this little person, whom I had had very little emotional connection with so far.
Chris and I had been discussing a move to Australia for a while. Well to be honest, Chris was ready to go, but I loved my job and had negotiated a promotion for when I returned from maternity leave. Problem was this promotion almost certainly required me to travel internationally every month. Not something that was going to work with a small baby. I know my company would have worked with me and changed the job, but to be honest I was probably looking for an excuse not to go back. An excuse to not change my finely tuned routine and put Zach in the care of strangers. Pathetic I know. Instead of getting into a new routine of going back to work, I embark on a trans-continental move, involving two adults, a baby and a dog. What the hell was I thinking?
I was thinking that it would be nice to be home after 8 years spent overseas. It would be nice that Z has family around. A Nana whom he adores and who gives him sups of tea and biscuits, who he goes crawling half way across the house to when he hears her saying ‘Nana Nana Nana’. (She is determined that they be his first words). It would be nice to have someone to tell me how to do things. Simple things like when it is safe to give Z a piece of bread and not choke, when he is sick enough that he needs to see a doctor. Someone to baby sit so Chris and I could have a night out, go see a movie, have a meal. Someone who cares and loves him as much as we do. It would be nice to be around friends who are having babies who Zach will grow up alongside.
Don’t get me wrong, the move was incredibly stressful. I was moving home, but Chris was moving to a place he had never visited, a place where I grew up, knew people, had extended family. I didn’t really know what the job market was like for either of us. I didn’t know if Chris would like it. I felt like if it didn’t work out for us that it would be my fault, that we would have wasted the better part of $15K moving our life here and worse still, we wouldn’t be in the financial position to do anything about it. Dealing with importation of a dog into Australia is not an easy thing, not to mention importing Chris! It might actually have been easier in hindsight to stay in Oxford.
But things have worked out so far. Chris has got two jobs, both in areas he wanted to explore and on Monday I started a new job, a good job doing exactly what I had hoped I could do when I came back to Adelaide. The next few months aren’t going to be easy, getting up, walking the dog, getting myself and Z fed and dressed, and out the door. Not to mention establishing myself in a job that is challenging and WAY out of my comfort zone. But I have more confidence that it will be ok. That I can do it. That Z will adapt.
I really didn’t think that having a baby would teach me anything about myself, that it would reveal numerous faults. And in those early few months, I didn’t ever think I would get to the stage where I would look at my baby, my son and say I love you and actually mean it.
Now, about that final post thing. I can’t convince Dr. O’C of anything, not for lack of trying. But maybe you all can. I’ll leave it in your hands to persuade her to keep writing.
———————–
Phantom Planet’s “The Guest” is available from 
and Amazon
Popularity: 86% [?]
Dr. O’C is a great writer (blogger) and refreshing to read a mum’s perspective that isn’t all luvyduvy goo. I like her rawness and hope she has a change of heart about blogging.
13 Aug 2008 at 9:21 pm
Totally agree - the rawness is really refreshing. Keep writing Dr O’C, I’d love to read more! (But only if you want to - we all know you’re a busy woman!)
Agness last blog post..Patchwork
13 Aug 2008 at 9:35 pm
The Doctor is a great writer, and her honesty about motherhood is breathtaking.
And that picture with the kangaroos and the baby? Too awesome.
Nicholes last blog post..Pantry raid
13 Aug 2008 at 9:54 pm
Dr O’C, I would hate it if you didn’t write here anymore. Not many moms would be able to write what you just did, even though so many experience it. I was attached to Grayson instantly, but it took a while for Grant. He was such a needy baby, and in a way I felt guilty for bringing another baby into Grayson’s turf. At least in hindsight we can see postpartum depression figuring into it.
Anyway, it’s been great reading what you have to say, and getting to know you a bit!
13 Aug 2008 at 11:38 pm
Yes, she should keep writing. This world need more honest mothers raising their voices. It’s powerful stuff.
maggie, dammits last blog post..the winds of change
14 Aug 2008 at 1:01 am
It would be a shame if you didn’t write more.
The honesty is refreshing, and it’s a shame I have to say that.
The last sentence made me well up, just a little.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..The seventh sense
14 Aug 2008 at 5:08 am
Thanks, Dr. O’C for being so honest and putting out there what so many mothers (including myself) have felt and experienced, but don’t have the nerve to talk about it because that’s not the “norm.” Keep writing! Please!
14 Aug 2008 at 5:19 am
A while back we watched the movie “Waitress” and I really liked it, I found the take on pregnancy to be refreshing. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine, but the world acts as if you’re not completely thrilled to death about everything from morning sickness to mid-night feedings you’re not “appreciating the miracle.” Everyone refers to your baby as a little angel, blessing, or some other nonsensical adjective, and if you don’t see things that way it’s sacrilegious.
I already feel attached to this baby that won’t make her appearance for months, but I have my moments of doubt and worry lots. I really appreciate Dr. O’C for saying what she has about her pregnancy and new-born experience. It’s good to know that not everyone is Mrs. Perky New Mommy!
Aprils last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: View of the Bay
14 Aug 2008 at 5:58 am
I will also chime in for the Doc to keep on posting. Sounds like you guys have a lot on your plate right now, though. Whenever you find the time, hon. No pressure.
Not Afraid To Use Its last blog post..My Fishy Feet
14 Aug 2008 at 12:12 pm
Ron Howard’s first movie was called “Parenthood”. Recommended to those who like their families real, and not gooey.
14 Aug 2008 at 4:03 pm
im with everyone else. i’ve really enjoyed reading your experience (i happen to think you write very well) and would love to hear about your take on things in your household and/or about your work. i also seem to get the feeling that your husband there really enjoys sharing this with you, which is awesome! but there is no reason to make a set in stone commitment. once a week? once a month? once a decade? no matter how often, its nice to let your words out sometimes.
erm. mr. aFreeMan, that octopus salad is really yummy. they also have one with artichokes and carrots and little squid and yummies! the one with the olives is so pretty though. love that purple… what is in the one in hawaii? something traditional? (i was thinking of making something myself and i’m looking for ideas) the one time i made it to maiu i gorged on grilled mahi mahi, coconut poi pudding, mai tais, and budwiser… i would love to go again with the more accepting pallet i have now.
14 Aug 2008 at 4:35 pm
From someone who had a baby far away from any relatives, I think you’ve done well to go to Australia. My daughter blooms every time she visits grandparents or when we have guests (our daily life is pathetically low on social contacts at the moment). And I have a hunch a whole lot of other things are a whole lot better in Australia than in the England. E.g., our high temp yesterday was 15 deg C/59 deg F with loads of rain. And I thought the weather didn’t matter… you can’t take the kid out in wind and rain. (Well, I am not English, I can’t.)
14 Aug 2008 at 4:50 pm
So here’s the deal Dr.O.C., take as much time as you need to get settled into your new more hectic routine. Get past those few weeks we all go through at a new job when you’re trying to show your employers they made the right decision but you don’t have a sense of exactly what to do yet. Do some weekend cooking(do you cook?) and freezing so you have some easy meals on nights neither of you can get dinner together. On the days you miss Z, remind yourself it’s quality not quantity. Use some of your new income stream to do something nice for yourself. When you’ve gotten past all of that, come back and tell us about it. You can’t give us a taste and take it away, that’s just mean and you’re not mean are you? I’m not sure I can go through a whole season of football posts without a little brainy estrogen thrown in. Don’t make us beg, that’s just unsightly.
Chriss last blog post..5 Great Words To Describe My Mood & Now I’m Going To Use Them In a Sentence
14 Aug 2008 at 4:57 pm
Aren’t ‘brainy’ and ‘estrogen’ kind of like oil and water?
14 Aug 2008 at 5:08 pm
“Aren’t ‘brainy’ and ‘estrogen’ kind of like oil and water?”
Funny, women say the same thing about testosterone. They are wrong, of course.
They would also say the same about “sensitive” and “testosterone”. they are wrong about that, too.
headbang8s last blog post..Haircut Unimportant.
14 Aug 2008 at 5:31 pm
Thank you for all your kind comments. We will have to see how the job thing goes and whether or not that leaves any room for writing. It doesn’t come as easy to me as AFM.
If I have something to say, I will be sure to say it:) I have never been accused of being shy about these things.
And AFM being so overworked will probably beg me to fill in the gaps in blogging every now and then.
14 Aug 2008 at 7:01 pm
Late to the party as usual, but I wanted to add my hopes that once things settle down you’re still able to do guess spots on AFM.
You know, I think parenting would be so much easier if people would admit to times like these. Regardless of what people tell you, motherhood does NOT come naturally, and it’s hard!
I think that sometimes we’re just so happy when things finally click that we choose to forget all those days we felt like a miniature alien was dropped into our lives.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Not only was the story great, but you told it wonderfully.
I hope the job is working out for you!
14 Aug 2008 at 8:01 pm
Good. So now I don’t have to resort to the reverse psychology I had planned. (You know: don’t bother writing anymore you suck bored bored bored….that kind of shit :-D)
arizaphales last blog post..So Long Ipod
16 Aug 2008 at 1:44 pm
I found it incredibly hard to be overjoyed and all maternal when R was brand new. Although I love cuddling as a general rule, this drooling/eating/pooping slug was sucking up so much of my time, energy, sleep and life that it was hard to let that all go. But once he started developing a real personality, that all changed. I love the smiles, the laughs, the hugs and kisses (more acurately known as bites). Even the developing temper, stubborness and mischieviousness are really so loveable.
I found that I became quite withdrawn when we got home. I went out religiously to the clinics and swim, dance and music classes. I interacted with the other moms. I laughed at their stories and exchanged advice. But I never felt like myself or like I was making real friends. Even family visits made me step back and out of the situation. I was just too overwelmed and the only way to deal was to withdraw into myself and let whatever was going on pass me by.
I was able to leave R with my C at 10 months and I love, love, love being back at work. Thinking. Talking. Concentrating. Relating to people as myself rather than as someone’s mom. It’s great. We start daycare in Sept and I hope it continues to be just as great.
20 Aug 2008 at 6:18 am
That was pretty much how I felt. I think it is probably a lot more common than you realise, it is just that there is this expectation that you should be happy, lovey dovey and over the moon at your bundle of joy, when all you really want to do is check into a hotel room for a night to get 8 hours sleep straight.
I have only been back at work a week and a half and it has been stressful because Zach has been sick the whole time but so far I love it. I really enjoy interacting with other people and learning new things. Yeah some of it is pretty stressful because I have embarked on something new and challenging, but it is still a pretty good feeling to know my brain still functions.
You must email through some photos of Ray. I would love to see some.
20 Aug 2008 at 9:05 pm