There is a gang of thugs that are wreaking havoc on the streets of my quiet South Australian suburb. For the third time this week, I’ve been accosted on my way to the bus stop by these hooligans for doing nothing more than walking down the sidewalk with a spring in my step. They’ve come charging across the street, hissing verbal threats, limbs raised aggressively with a glint of madness in their eyes. A couple of times I’ve had to sprint away lest I come to some physical harm by these ruffians.

Well, this morning was the last straw. Next time I’m going bring the boy’s baseball bat and batter those f*cking birds. We’ll have roast goose for dinner in the Free Man household.

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What? Sorry, did I not mention we were talking about geese? Geese can be very dangerous, you know. A goose can break a man’s arm with his beak. Or is that a swan?

The thing is, I’m a bird lover. Within the first month of living in Oz, before I even had a job, I bought a bird feeder to feed all the beautiful avian wildlife we’ve got around these parts. I love the bird songs in the morning, I even walk to the bus stop without my iPod plugged in to my ears so I can hear the birds. But these geese! It must look ridiculous to see a grown man running away from water chickens, but when they’re coming at you… You’d run too.   

The ironic thing is that these bastard geese were in the middle of the road a couple of weeks ago as I was driving home. I did the ‘humane’ thing and stopped and waited for the to waddle insolently across the street. They even stopped in front of the car and gave me a brazen look. I should have mowed the damn birds down.

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I read a blog post this week about researchers who had claimed that some birds can recognize human faces. I believe this to be true. I’ll go further and say that I believe birds can warn each other about the humans that they recognize. I believe that these avian thugs are retaliating for crimes visited on them by a member of my family – Timmins. The dog has kind of a history with local fauna, but he’s always left birds alone. This is primarily because they’re difficult to catch – the whole flying thing. However, in our temporary Happy Valley home, we have a back patio which is currently partially closed off for the winter with rolls of plastic sheeting. The dog spends more time outdoors in Oz because we finally have a yard that he can’t escape from and so his food and water bowls are kept outside. Birds are stupid, but not that stupid and have discovered that Timmins’ food bowl is a good source for a snack when the dog’s otherwise occupied. And even if the dog notices they can always fly away.

Except when they can’t. Except when they fail to notice the difference between transparent plastic and the lack therof and get stuck in what is essentially an elaborate, and unintended, bird trap. The carcasses are starting to add up, but to date have only been pigeons - the modern dodo. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel bad, but they are only pigeons.

Problem is, the birds don’t seem to see it this way and through the grapevine the word has spread about me and my homicidal dog. I’m pretty sure that the geese are the hit men of the bird world. And they recognize me. And they’re angry.

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