Terror in Happy Valley
There is a gang of thugs that are wreaking havoc on the streets of my quiet South Australian suburb. For the third time this week, I’ve been accosted on my way to the bus stop by these hooligans for doing nothing more than walking down the sidewalk with a spring in my step. They’ve come charging across the street, hissing verbal threats, limbs raised aggressively with a glint of madness in their eyes. A couple of times I’ve had to sprint away lest I come to some physical harm by these ruffians.
Well, this morning was the last straw. Next time I’m going bring the boy’s baseball bat and batter those f*cking birds. We’ll have roast goose for dinner in the Free Man household.
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What? Sorry, did I not mention we were talking about geese? Geese can be very dangerous, you know. A goose can break a man’s arm with his beak. Or is that a swan?
The thing is, I’m a bird lover. Within the first month of living in Oz, before I even had a job, I bought a bird feeder to feed all the beautiful avian wildlife we’ve got around these parts. I love the bird songs in the morning, I even walk to the bus stop without my iPod plugged in to my ears so I can hear the birds. But these geese! It must look ridiculous to see a grown man running away from water chickens, but when they’re coming at you… You’d run too.
The ironic thing is that these bastard geese were in the middle of the road a couple of weeks ago as I was driving home. I did the ‘humane’ thing and stopped and waited for the to waddle insolently across the street. They even stopped in front of the car and gave me a brazen look. I should have mowed the damn birds down.
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I read a blog post this week about researchers who had claimed that some birds can recognize human faces. I believe this to be true. I’ll go further and say that I believe birds can warn each other about the humans that they recognize. I believe that these avian thugs are retaliating for crimes visited on them by a member of my family – Timmins. The dog has kind of a history with local fauna, but he’s always left birds alone. This is primarily because they’re difficult to catch – the whole flying thing. However, in our temporary Happy Valley home, we have a back patio which is currently partially closed off for the winter with rolls of plastic sheeting. The dog spends more time outdoors in Oz because we finally have a yard that he can’t escape from and so his food and water bowls are kept outside. Birds are stupid, but not that stupid and have discovered that Timmins’ food bowl is a good source for a snack when the dog’s otherwise occupied. And even if the dog notices they can always fly away.
Except when they can’t. Except when they fail to notice the difference between transparent plastic and the lack therof and get stuck in what is essentially an elaborate, and unintended, bird trap. The carcasses are starting to add up, but to date have only been pigeons - the modern dodo. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel bad, but they are only pigeons.
Problem is, the birds don’t seem to see it this way and through the grapevine the word has spread about me and my homicidal dog. I’m pretty sure that the geese are the hit men of the bird world. And they recognize me. And they’re angry.
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well, that made my night. we had a harassing goose at my parents farm for a while. i hated that thing. my cousin shot it in the neck with a BB gun. that effer only gained strength from it wound. seriously. that thing was mean!!!!
you might want to have a chat with your pooch if those geese remain the the neighborhood…
holly*s last blog post..hair: a slender threadlike outgrowth of the epidermis of an animal
geese are mental, run at them with an umbrella opening in and out and they’ll get scared. seriously. real ultimate power, kill a man with a peck. anyways, nice post I think you’re not killing innocent pigeons, you’re helping them evolve into a more intelligent species, that can recognise clear plastic
AFM, I hope you know how much I respect what I see in you as a person here on this blog. You’ve always amazed me with your open minded attitude and your positive outlook on life. I adore watching you parent young Z and believe you to be a wonderful father. Anyone reading your blog can see you truly love your wife.
But I’d pay good money to watch you get your ass kicked by geese.
Please don’t hate me.
You big wuss, they are closer in size to a finch than a goose!
oh and the correct term is cafe blinds, not sheets of plastic. You make it sound like we are living in a trailer.
Holly – the dog does have a bit of history with taking care of aggressive bird life. If it goes poorly, I’ll bring him along.
SSG – I totally justify it with the artificial selection argument. I’ll try the brolly thing next week.
Angel – it’s cause I keep hassling you for being a Republican, isn’t it?
Dr. O’C – they attacked the damn car – you were in it. As for cafe blinds, whatever. They are rolls of plastic.
I’ve got a touch of the ol’ ornithophobia. I’d never leave the house if those winged beasts were on the prowl in my neighborhood. I was attacked by a gang of Canadian geese on a golf course once, and my dear husband stood by and laughed.
Nicholes last blog post..Such stuff as dreams are made on
Nichole, sorry but I probably would have laughed as well. Then. But not now. Now I have sworn myself to defend the innocents of the world against violent extremist birds.
HAHAHA! You are so funny. I, for one, am terrified of geese. I was trying to take a picture of a Canada goose once as a kid, and the thing turned on me and chased me around for five full minutes. Then once I took Grayson to the park to feed some geese, and they decided we weren’t forthcoming enough with the crackers. They chased us all the way back to our car, while the dummies who came with us climbed on top of a picnic table and were stranded. I ended up driving into the picnic area, honking my horn to scare away the geese, so our friends could make a run for the car. Thank GOD we were the only ones at the park that day.
Jessica Ks last blog post..Brained!!!
I used to shoot pigeons when I was in the army. I was bored. Not proud of it, don’t get me wrong. I’m a vegetarian, after all. But I had a gun. And there were pigeons around. You give an eighteen-year-old a gun and then you surround him with pigeons–what can you expect?
Okay, it still haunts me. Happy now?
Geese are evil, evil birds! When I was about four my family lived on a hog farm and we raised chickens. For whatever reason, there was a pond as well, which meant there were geese. When you’re four years old, a goose is a frightening thing indeed, especially when they run at you with their wings spread out, showing they are larger and far more aggressive then you are, hissing and pecking at your little limbs. A friend of mine was knocked down and body slammed by a goose as a child. They’ve become regular pests too with an explosion of population growth from feeding off the remnants of grain left behind in the fields, a real problem for the tundra in Canada from what I understand.
Aprils last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Bella, up close
At one of my hospitals, the maintenance staff has to CONSTANTLY shoo away geese. I made a few jokes about it once and they told me that the birds are insanely territorial, had decided that the hospital lawn was theirs, and would start chasing people coming up the walk to the entrance.
Take back your neighborhood!!!
Dude. Geese are mean. On one of my mom boards a girl got really upset bc she was at a park and saw a two year-old screaming in absolute terror because the geese were chasing and bullying him. The kids mom? Wouldn’t help her son because he needed to toughed up. I wish I had been there that day. I would have held the bitch down and let those geese peck her eyes out.
As for YOUR situation. Get Dr. O’C to video you walking down the street with the umbrella trying to scare them off. I have GOT to see this.
Not Afraid To Use Its last blog post..American As Apple Pie?
That picture on top is freaky. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bird’s tongue!
I feel better hearing all these attacking geese stories. I’m not alone!
I’m taking the dog down there this morning and we’re going to whoop some feathered ass. I’ll bring the video camera, Natui.
A Free Mans last blog post..Game Day: Cake Walk
OMG Geese scare the hell out of me.
The rank just beneath emus as scary freak birds that will chase you.
Great now I’m imagining a giant goose-emu hybrid chasing me. I won’t sleep at all tonight.
zayzayems last blog post..Human parasite’s goody two shoes cousin helps coral
hahahahahahaha. I know those geese! As a former resident of the area I can attest to their intimidating nature. The swans up on South Rd are of a similar ilk. There was one swan in a wetlands park in Southampton that we used to call ‘Psycho Swan’. When you went any where near its end of the pond it would swim out of nowhere in a terrifyingly threatening manner. At speed. With a look in its eye you could read from 50 metres.
Feel no humiliation my friend. Goose fear is a registrable disability.
(and I too want to see the umbrella thing hahahahahaha)
arizaphales last blog post..Daughter At Large
Oh, we have video. Check back later in the weekend to see our counterattack!
I used to live next to a lake a few years back where the geese would gather into their respective gangs and fight for territory – with each other and with people. Those things pissed me off everyday. Good luck in your fight with them.
Andrews last blog post..Mock Orange is full of love
I feel the same way about hummingbirds. Nothing but glorified mosquitoes, if you ask me. I’ve nearly lost an eye on more than one occasion, aggressive little crack heads.
And NOBODY believes me.
maggie, dammits last blog post..Gustav
Too funny. The Canada Geese around here are pretty ferocious. I stay well away from them. I’ve heard people now breed dogs to keep the geese off grassy areas like golf courses. Sort of like sheep dogs.
saralas last blog post..I Don’t Love New York
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