After the third attack by terrorist water fowl in a week, I decided to do something about these Anatid insurgents. I made the decision to retaliate. On Friday evening I sat down with my eager forces and designed a strategy. As Saturday morning dawned cool and cloudy and I prepared my forces for a counter attack.

Now before you call out the animal protection thugs on me, I made a decision before this post-dawn raid that no geese would be physically hurt. I was after nothing more than a proportional response. I said to myself, “Self, these bastard geese have been terrorizing me, I’ll return the favor.”

So, my hearty forces – myself, Timmins, Z and a reluctant and bemused Dr. O’C -  headed toward the very nexus of geese-dom, deep into enemy territory – the drainage repository known as Fountain Valley Pond. We marched through the streets of Happy Valley banners flying proudly, heads held high in defiance we crested a small hill giving us a view of the pond below.

It quickly became apparent that the enemy had anticipated our action. Our resolve nearly wavered when we realized that the geese that had been harassing your underwhelming narrator were merely an advance force. Because before us lay a veritable geese army. Dozens of geese, scores even, standing defiantly on the muddy pond bank. A few of them even brazenly gave us the avian version of the single fingered salute as our underwhelming force paused.

But we were not cowed by their numbers for we had “Justice” and “Freedom” on our side. Regrettably, Justice and Freedom weren’t with us in a physical form and we felt it best to leave Dr. O’C and Z as a reserve force in case we needed an ambulance or emergency veterenarian. Thus it was just Timmins and I that stood ready to take on the goose hoardes. As we prepared for the greatest direct charge into an overwhelming force since Pickett at Gettysburg or Cardigan at Balaklava.

I’ll let the video tell the bulk of the story, but just to clarify one point: Timmins may have not fully understood the brief or in the heat of the battle may have gotten a bit overzealous, but there’s a point in our charge in which he nearly grabs an enemy combatant who got bogge down in a trench while fleeing under our withering charge. In my role as supreme generallissimo of free forces, I felt it better for all concerned to rein him in a bit, resulting in the canine acrobatics that you see in the video.

It was a quick strike and successful in that no one – goose, dog or human – was injured. But more importantly, I think that the geese bastards now clearly undertsand who runs Happy Valley. We’ve made the streets safe again. This is borne out by two days of harassment free commuting. The geese terrorists, clearly cowed, float sullenly on the far side of the pond as I walk proudly past. Mission accomplished.

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Joanna Smith’s sublime version of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”** was featured on a compilation called “Song of America” available from eMusic. Check out more of Smith’s music at her MySpace page.

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* I had to memorize the Tennyson poem in 6th grade and I could still do the first three stanzas from memory.

** I know that I’m mixing historical and musical metaphors here with The Crimean War and U.S. Civil War, but try and find an appropriate song about the Crimean War.

 
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