Into the valley of death*
After the third attack by terrorist water fowl in a week, I decided to do something about these Anatid insurgents. I made the decision to retaliate. On Friday evening I sat down with my eager forces and designed a strategy. As Saturday morning dawned cool and cloudy and I prepared my forces for a counter attack.
Now before you call out the animal protection thugs on me, I made a decision before this post-dawn raid that no geese would be physically hurt. I was after nothing more than a proportional response. I said to myself, “Self, these bastard geese have been terrorizing me, I’ll return the favor.”
So, my hearty forces - myself, Timmins, Z and a reluctant and bemused Dr. O’C - headed toward the very nexus of geese-dom, deep into enemy territory - the drainage repository known as Fountain Valley Pond. We marched through the streets of Happy Valley banners flying proudly, heads held high in defiance we crested a small hill giving us a view of the pond below.
It quickly became apparent that the enemy had anticipated our action. Our resolve nearly wavered when we realized that the geese that had been harassing your underwhelming narrator were merely an advance force. Because before us lay a veritable geese army. Dozens of geese, scores even, standing defiantly on the muddy pond bank. A few of them even brazenly gave us the avian version of the single fingered salute as our underwhelming force paused.
But we were not cowed by their numbers for we had “Justice” and “Freedom” on our side. Regrettably, Justice and Freedom weren’t with us in a physical form and we felt it best to leave Dr. O’C and Z as a reserve force in case we needed an ambulance or emergency veterenarian. Thus it was just Timmins and I that stood ready to take on the goose hoardes. As we prepared for the greatest direct charge into an overwhelming force since Pickett at Gettysburg or Cardigan at Balaklava.
I’ll let the video tell the bulk of the story, but just to clarify one point: Timmins may have not fully understood the brief or in the heat of the battle may have gotten a bit overzealous, but there’s a point in our charge in which he nearly grabs an enemy combatant who got bogge down in a trench while fleeing under our withering charge. In my role as supreme generallissimo of free forces, I felt it better for all concerned to rein him in a bit, resulting in the canine acrobatics that you see in the video.
It was a quick strike and successful in that no one - goose, dog or human - was injured. But more importantly, I think that the geese bastards now clearly undertsand who runs Happy Valley. We’ve made the streets safe again. This is borne out by two days of harassment free commuting. The geese terrorists, clearly cowed, float sullenly on the far side of the pond as I walk proudly past. Mission accomplished.
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Joanna Smith’s sublime version of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”** was featured on a compilation called “Song of America” available from eMusic. Check out more of Smith’s music at her MySpace page.
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* I had to memorize the Tennyson poem in 6th grade and I could still do the first three stanzas from memory.
** I know that I’m mixing historical and musical metaphors here with The Crimean War and U.S. Civil War, but try and find an appropriate song about the Crimean War.
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So, when push came to shove, the geese turned pussy.
BTW, I thought I could detect a little of Dr. O’C’s Irish accent when she shouted “Jaisus!”.
headbang8s last blog post..Bourgeoisie in the Key of E
02 Sep 2008 at 3:53 pm
It comes out when she’s surprised or under stress, Headbang. I occasionally will still sound like a Southerner in the same situations.
02 Sep 2008 at 4:50 pm
i have no sound at work, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH
how much time did you spend editing this and putting credits up? i expect onwards and upwards my friend! shame on timmins though he didnt get a goose for tea
02 Sep 2008 at 4:52 pm
Just for clarification, aren’t you biking to the bus stop at the moment?? I mean, you aren’t exactly walking past the geese anymore.
02 Sep 2008 at 4:59 pm
Also, I thought you were busy at work? Two jobs and all.
02 Sep 2008 at 5:00 pm
SSG - you really need sound. I’m working on my video editing - credits, good, huh?
Dr. O’C - they’re still cowed. And I’m tired of marking exams, one needs a break now and again.
02 Sep 2008 at 5:08 pm
This was the loudest I’ve laughed in a long time! Oh my gosh just what I needed at 5:30am! Timmins rocks.
02 Sep 2008 at 7:22 pm
Timmins! Who do you think was telling him what to do? I rock!
02 Sep 2008 at 7:29 pm
That was spectacular. The re-enactors will be honoring this campaign for generations.
Nicholes last blog post..Monday nearly slipped by me
02 Sep 2008 at 9:42 pm
Fantastic! I especially liked the battle diagram with military annotations. I am a little disappointed we didn’t see you running at them with an umbrella however…..maybe after the counter-offensive?
arizaphales last blog post..Hail The Not Quite Conquering Heroine
02 Sep 2008 at 9:43 pm
HAHA! You are such a dork.
I cannot believe you not only planned an attack on the geese, but VIDEOED it as well! That was totally priceless, and gave me a good laugh this morning.
Jessica Ks last blog post..Brained!!!
02 Sep 2008 at 11:03 pm
Hilarious! Those geese won’t soon forget who’s boss, especially since Timmins gave that one in the trench a little extra scare. Victory is yours!
courtneys last blog post..In Which I Pretend To Be An Expert On Childhood Education, Despite All Evidence To The Contrary
03 Sep 2008 at 1:19 am
Ha-ha, Timmins almost got one of the little bastards. Next time, I think you should mount Zach atop Timmins with a little sabre for more historical verisimilitude.
On another matter, you cannot rely on Tennessee to do anything right. I am engaged on numerous fronts myself - not with geese - but with college football nutters here at my school in a debate on which is the best conference - SEC (of course), Big-10 (I mean really, that is like arguing the moon is actually made of cheese) and PAC-10. I hope Vandy also beats them this year (just like they did to UGA that time).
03 Sep 2008 at 1:28 am
Holy shit. That was fucking brilliant! Especially Timmins version of rhythmic gymnastics. Gold medal, I’d say. thank you for the video of Round One. I have the feeling that given a few weeks to recuperate those geese will be back with a counterstrike of their own.
Not Afraid to Use Its last blog post..Being A Good Sport
03 Sep 2008 at 1:31 am
Ok AFM, glad to know my husbands not the only total nerd:) you get an A++ on your multimedia presentation. That might just be my favorite post ever. The kids adorable, the dog fantastic and Dr. OC clearly the voice of reason in the bunch.
Chriss last blog post..Baby Vampires, Parental Neuralizer & Poison Caterpillars
03 Sep 2008 at 4:48 am
That was absolutely brilliant. I laughed so hard everyone around me at the office is staring at me.
You and Timmons fought well. Be proud in your victory.
Andrews last blog post..Studio 23’s Mixtape exhibit
03 Sep 2008 at 4:49 am
This post is one for the books. Much more civilized than how I *might* have handled things (alka-seltzer comes to mind, chemical warfare, brother!).
Once the avian enemy solidifies their plans for a counter strike, I (and everyone reading your blog, I’m sure) would quite like to see video of that as well.
03 Sep 2008 at 5:15 am
Nichole - yep, many years from now Z and I will return to the battlefield and I’ll tell him of our victory.
Ariza - I thought that a wolf-like dog would be of more use to me than a brolly. It’s my keen military mind.
Jessica - I think we’ve all learned what happens when you don’t properly plan military actions. I didn’t really want to be bogged down in Fountain Valley Pond for several years.
Courtney - yeah, that trench was a twist. Did you see my hesitation right there. I thought about aborting the charge but then remembered that we were on camera.
Jamie - I had Z ready to go, dressed in a little cavalier outfit, but Dr. O’C wouldn’t let me. Tennessee is an embarassment to the SEC. I think we should boot them out - trade them for Duke or something.
NATUI - the geese are done. I say to them - “Bring it on”.
Chris - I’m glad you and Ariza appreciate my map. I used to read a lot of military history and have been waiting for years to be able to make one of these.
Andrew - maybe should have put an office disclaimer. “Warning, 30 something year old man making an idiot of himself with water fowl.”
Joe - There will be no counter strike. Major combat operations in Happy Valley are complete.
03 Sep 2008 at 8:39 am
Wow. I can smell the testosterone all the way from the other side of the planet.
My favorite part? “Geese bastards.” Classic!
Coal Miner’s Granddaughters last blog post..Halloween in August
03 Sep 2008 at 9:17 am
You sure showed them! Great training for that fatal day when you happen across a Hunstman spider for the first time.
Agness last blog post..Gettin’ all poetical like
03 Sep 2008 at 7:32 pm
CMGD - that’s the smell of victory.
Agnes - spiders are a different thing entirely, not sure I would go for the charge approach there.
05 Sep 2008 at 1:24 pm
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My computer now has coffee and boos hanging off the screen. (And I know that I have the most obnoxious laugh the world has known, even without the physical evidence).
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