A fine feathered fatwa
If this image triggers a sense of forboding in you, then you are more perceptive than me.
A number of you predicted that The Battle of Fountain Valley Pond wasn’t going to be the end of my goose troubles - lack of faith that I dismissed with, in hindsight, hubris. I mean, I know that birds are smarter and more organized than we give them credit. But I really thought our glorious rout of the geese of Happy Valley would put an end to it - what kind of response would a flock of geese bullies really be able to put together.
Well, I know that animal behaviorists (and presumably birds) bristle at the term “bird brain”. I know that these animal behaviorists have been looking at the “social intelligence” of groups of birds. But I had no idea of their capacity to organize and communicate. It seems that the birds of South Australia have declared a fatwa on A Free Man and his family.
And they’ve gotten nasty. As you’ll no doubt recall, Baby Z was left as a reserve force in our glorious victory last week. He was a virtual innocent, merely observing from a distance. Apparently these avianofascists have no chance in a pitched battle, so they’ve opted for back biting and cowardly terrorist attacks.
We spent Saturday at the Adelaide Zoo, our first visit to Australia’s Second Oldest Zoo (This is really one of their selling points. Maybe time for a marketing shake up.) Z had mixed feelings about the animals. Most of them he found pretty dull, particularly the ones that just laid about. But he was enchanted by some - the gibbons, the yellow footed rock wallabies, the goats and the bird that you see at the top of this post.
I should have seen it coming. This bird clearly has the crazed glint of an extremist in his eye. I keep playing it all back in my head, in slow motion - Z’s fingers reaching through the mesh, the muscles in that bastard bird’s neck tensing for the strike, the horrible sound of beak on flesh followed by Dr. O’C’s screams. It will haunt me for the rest of my days.
The battle is well and truly joined now, you feathered fiends. No more Mr. Nice Guy, no more casualty free confrontations. You have uncorked the wrath of A Free Man. If I can borrow the words of another great American warrior - “Bring it on.”
And I’ve got to give Z credit. He’s battle tested now and rather than retreating meekly to the rear as some babies might, Z was back on the front lines the very next day. Here is is staring down some of the enemy on Henley Beach.
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Terror Bird is a Vancouver, BC trio that I’m sure is going to be thrilled to be tangentially associated with the quixotic ravings of a man embroiled in his own personal war with birds. But I couldn’t resist posting their Siouxsie-esque track along with this post. Their debut 7″ is out on Summer Lovers.
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* A bush thick-knee apparently. Endangered my butt. I’m fixin’ to show it endangered.
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Way to get back on the horse, or the bird as it may be. I just knew that Z would show himself to be a valiant lad if tested.
Chriss last blog post..Shake Ya Ass Watch Yourself
09 Sep 2008 at 2:32 pm
Awhh poor Z! that bird does look evill…. wouldn’t be out of place in Jurassic park. Mind you, I might bite if I was kept in a cage… I already stab people with scalpels
09 Sep 2008 at 6:08 pm
Never, never, never stick your fingers through the fence!! Didn’t your mother teach you anything? oi-vai!!!!
A friend’s son (aged about 2) fell near a fence and his hand went through the wire. The dog on the other side all but took off 3 of his fingers. Right hand of course. Several micro surgeries later and he is ok but it was touch and go there as to whether his career as a concert pianist would suffer. No recourse either as he was not ‘invited onto’ the property.
Glad to see that Zach has recovered his composure. What about Mum and Dad?
arizaphales last blog post..The Pachyderm is: OUT
09 Sep 2008 at 7:36 pm
awww poor Z! But look at him! He’s ready to go and showing no emotional scars whatsoever!
See what you’ve done?! They’re out to get you now. You’re screwed, dude.
09 Sep 2008 at 7:57 pm
They attacked the boy?!?! That is so wrong. I’m going to spend today throwing rocks at birds.
09 Sep 2008 at 9:23 pm
There are two things you never do w/ fences:
1. Stick your fingers through fences used as animal cages.
2. Pee on electric fences.
Seems like Z has learned his lesson on 1. Hopefully he won’t need experience to avoid 2.
09 Sep 2008 at 11:10 pm
Oh no! Poor Z. I hope his fingers weren’t seriously injured. But since he sprang back into battle so quickly, I can tell he’ll be a valiant soldier.
Nathan B.’s comment made me laugh. Remember the song “Don’t Whizz On The Electric Fence?” I think it was on some cartoon show. Anyone? Anyone?
courtneys last blog post..I’d Like To Buy The World A Non-Carcinogenic, Responsibly Packaged, Healthier Alternative To Coke
10 Sep 2008 at 1:01 am
I’m pretty sure that the “Don’t whizz on the electric fence” song was from Ren & Stimpy. A classic song…perhaps AFM can feature it in an upcoming blog post.
10 Sep 2008 at 1:08 am
The nicest thing I can say about birds is that they are unpredictable. You read my post about crows. The entire species is paranoid. Glad to hear Z brushed it off.
10 Sep 2008 at 1:24 am
Oh no it ditten! How dare that stupid bird bite such a sweet baby?! Dove season just opened here in the South, do you think they would excuse you if you claimed to think it was a dove?? Temporary insanity caused by homesickness for redneck barbaric sports… maybe?
Jessica Ks last blog post..Where, Oh Where, Could My Baby Be?
10 Sep 2008 at 1:57 am
That bird is lucky you didn’t reach through that fence and wring its scrawny little neck. I am glad that Z has rallied. It sounds as if you are going to have an excellent Number Two.
Not Afraid To Use Its last blog post..Stubborn is a Chick Named Vi
10 Sep 2008 at 2:47 am
“avianofascists”
Love it!
10 Sep 2008 at 3:03 am
Yeah. I’m thinking I’m going to see a news report next week about a small area of Adelaide getting a bird smack-down eerily similar to Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds.”
Good luck, my friend. Good luck.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughters last blog post..Fruit Juice Breaks Me Out
10 Sep 2008 at 4:15 am
And it’s spring now - prime magpie swooping season. May I suggest you all start wearing ice cream containers on your head, with eyes drawn on the back of them. This failproof method has been protecting local posties for years!
Agness last blog post..Reliving The National
10 Sep 2008 at 6:42 am
It’s all part of the animal conspiracy. Tim Bedore (a comedian) has predicted this kind of stuff many times.
Joes last blog post..I was robbed yesterday!
10 Sep 2008 at 7:00 am
Oh, I’m much LESS perceptive than you. I didn’t see that coming at all. I hope Z’s ok.
Toastys last blog post..This Blog Says It Best
10 Sep 2008 at 7:46 am
Z has been hardened by the rigors of war now. This will make him stronger in the coming battle. And the fact that he isn’t fazed proves what a valuable ally he will be.
I like the Terror Bird song too.
Andrews last blog post..Aimee Mann at the National, 9/8/08
10 Sep 2008 at 10:39 am
Beak on flesh, oh no! Oh, oh, oh, no!
Oh, it’s on. It’s on.
I fear for Australia’s birds, every last one of them.
10 Sep 2008 at 11:36 am
Is it possible that Timmins started this entire thing? I stumbled across this as I was going through my bookmarks this evening:
http://www.chrisdellavedova.com/wp-content/themes/Cutline%201.2/images/header_1.jpg
Looks like there was a little tension in the air. I’d hate to think that the entire situation escalated from this encounter
Joes last blog post..Watersports
10 Sep 2008 at 12:21 pm
So is this a bi-directional fatwa then? I mean, by your title are you implying that the birds have imposed a Hitchcockian fatwa on you and your family? — or is it the other way around, now that they have shown themselves to be shameless baby-peckers?? Actually — sounds like both sides were pretty beaked off!
The Right Blues last blog post..Hard Corals on a Shallow Red Sea Reef
10 Sep 2008 at 3:44 pm
It sounds like the war with the birds isn’t going well.
My kids’ favorite sport when young was chasing pigeons. Fortunately they are too stupid to do anything worse than poop on your head. Which was something that the seagulls at my high school liked to do with great regularity.
Life’s rough sometimes.
saralas last blog post..Tuesday Challenge–Music
10 Sep 2008 at 10:32 pm
My sister has a scar on her face to this day because when she was a kid she was in a chicken coop and a chicken suddenly attacked her. Birds are dangerous. For real. And yet we let them idolize a “Big Bird.” What does that say about us?
Mike from the Newborn Identitys last blog post..Baby Tripper
11 Sep 2008 at 3:55 am
You know how every kid has some emotional trauma from watching a scary movie when then were obviously too young for the subject matter? Well mine was the original version of The Birds. I am still frightened to this day.
Kick some bird feathers, Chris, for Z’s fingers, for the well being of the world, and for me.
11 Sep 2008 at 8:09 am
Chris - he’d be a damned fine son-in-law, huh?
SSG - I still have scars from when you stabbed me the second time, or was that the third time.
Ariza - I only learn by doing. So, now that the boys been savaged by some stupid native bird, we’ll stay away from fences.
Angel - the dog killed another pigeon today. It’s on.
Nichole - thanks for your support. Welcome to the coalition of the willing.
Nathan - did Mythbusters do something on #2? Or was that the third rail on subways, can’t remember. Either way, I think you should do the experiment and report back.
Courtney/Jason - I’ll see what I can do ’bout hunting that song up.
RC - paranoid? Try homicidal!
JK - hunting laws here are a bit more relaxed than in Britain, but I still think I might get in trouble if I start wandering around with a shotgun.
NATUI - I was slightly confused by the # 2 reference there for a while, but I get it now. Wasn’t sure where bowel movements came into things.
Gypsy - glad you got that one.
CMGD - I think we can handle the feathered bastards.
Agnes - I’ve heard about the Magpies, I’m ready for them.
11 Sep 2008 at 12:09 pm
Joe - I’ve not heard Tim Bedore, but sounds like we’d have something to talk about.
Toasty - nor did I, otherwise I wouldn’t have let him stick his fingers in there. It’s worth noting at this point that Z didn’t start crying until we fussed all over him!
Andrew - pretty sure that Z will be by my side for any further engagements - he’s got the taste of battle now.
Maggie - it is indeed.
Joe - ah, right, you’ve found out about our bird taunting past.
Sarala - that’ll be next, my head as target practice.
The Right Blue - all I’m saying is that they started it.
Mike - Big Bird is the Great Satan.
Vixen - I’ll do what I can.
11 Sep 2008 at 1:14 pm