Your cadillac has got a wheel in the ditch
Welcome to a new feature here on A Free Man: Deep South Smack Talk
With the SEC Football season moving in to full swing this week, I thought I would give the enemies, er opponents, of my beloved Georgia Bulldogs an opportunity to sing their team’s praises before the Dawgs take them apart. It’s just good sportsmanship, really. It was a bit of a challenge to find an Alabama fan who could form sentences well enough to put together a post, but I’ve found a fan of the Tide who was lucky enough to be educated at a proper university. Inexplicably, he retains his love for the University of Alabama.
We’ll give the visitors the first shot. Writing, surprisingly eloquently, for the Alabama Crimson Tide is Alex from esmon dot net:
I was born where the red tide rolls and the sun droops low over the rose-colored skies at twilight.
I was born on the balmy shores of Alabama at the height of the era of terry cloth shorts and big plastic-framed amber vision sunglasses. Mobile is my hometown, perched right on the Gulf of Mexico. When I was one, Hurricane Edward roared through our city — as the story goes, I slept right through it. We lived there until I was three. The Gulf is a pretty neat place full of great seafood dives and a very, very slow pace of life.
But there are a few things that make people in the great state of Alabama get off their collective asses and shout for something that’s not just half-price night at an all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet. Football in Alabama means one thing (and I don’t care what the Auburn fans think, because who cares about them anyway): The Crimson Tide.
There are few teams that can match the storied history of ‘Bama football. I mean, come on — Paul “Bear” Bryant. Need I say more?
I will anyway. Here’s a number to mull over: 12. And no, that does not stand for the collective football team IQ. That’s National Championships, my friends. And honestly, what’s more intimidating that a team named after a harmful algal bloom of phytoplankton containing photosynthetic pigments?
Now, there are those from Georgia (you know – that state that borders us to the east and blocks our view of the Atlantic) that think they have a decent football squad. They may have had a few decent seasons, and I think they have even managed a few SEC crowns. But don’t be fooled — those Pop Warner wanna-be’s are nothing compared to the thundering herd that is the Crimson Tide. They talk about the great years in the 80s when some guy named Walker won a Heisman. Then they talk about the great teams under the current regime of Coach Richt. Then when they are reminded that none of those great teams under Richt have won a championship, they turn into Cubs fans — It’s all “Oh well, next year will be the year.”
Seriously, how many next years can there be? (Actually, as a Cubs fan, I know there can be quite a few “next years”)
And how many National Championships for the Dawgs? Two. Now I may be a simple boy from Alabama, but even I know that two is less than 12. But don’t worry Chris — The Gym Dogs have won nine gymnastics National Championships. I hear they do a mean halftime show.
So Chris, after the dust settles on Saturday and the stadium has emptied and your “Dawgs” have been thoroughly throttled and washed into the Gulf, you can call me and we will talk all about next year.
Roll Tide.
And in reply, your underwhelming narrator:
Thanks, Alex, that’s very well said for a Bama fan, but you betray yourself as being the alum of a better school.
I’ve got a number for you too: 13. That’s the number of years that have passed since the Tide last beat Georgia. I’m pretty sure that it’s going to be 14 after Saturday.
Alex, all those purty words cover up one essential fact about your boys in crimson. The truth that they are pure evil.
Bama didn’t used to be evil. In the days of the great Bryant, when they won all those National Championships, they were the pride of the South. But things have been rough in the past couple of decades in Tuscaloosa and a couple of years ago, the powers that be in Tuscaloosa quite literally made a deal with the devil. They hired away the pretty much universally loathed Nick Saban from Miami’s NFL team for some obscene amount of money. I hope it’s worth it for you guys, but I don’t think it will be. There’s only one letter separating Saban and Satan and the bad guy always loses in the end.
So as the manifestation of pure evil rolls up into the north Georgia hills on Saturday, there will be a band of brave Georgia boys waiting between the hedges of Sanford Stadium They will be waiting to represent truth, justice and Good in the face of a crimson and white onslaught led by Satan incarnate.
Fortunately, that brave band of boys is one of the finest football teams to come out of the South in quite some time. Lovers of peace and freedom can breathe a bit easily knowing that they are proudly defended by a Georgia Bulldogs team that is getting better every week. The Tide are bringing in some unholy 400 pound demon called Cody to try and crush the Dawgs offense, but if they stop our dynamic tailback Knowshon Moreno then we can go to the air with quarterbacking phenom Matthew Stafford. We’re ready in every way for the demonic invasion.
The Tide is going to find Athens an unwelcoming place, a place for these evil upstarts to be put in their place. The players have called for a Blackout, replicating conditions under which we spanked another little team from Alabama. It is times like this that I really miss the States. A September Saturday night in Athens, Sanford Stadium packed and roaring for their heroes. I can almost hear it already as the Dawgs burst out of the tunnel in black ready to tear the Tide down, bit by bit. This time the good guys are wearing black.
Oh, and Alex, this is next year. (For the Dawgs, don’t know about the Cubs)
A Free Man’s pick: Georgia 28, Alabama 14.
Georgia-Alabama kicks off at 7:45 p.m. Eastern (9:15 a.m. Sunday in Adelaide) on ESPN. I’m pretty excited because Boy Z’s great-aunt is going to let us watch the game over at their house. This will be the first time I see a game live on TV since 2004. Just seems right for my boys to win, doesn’t it.
Go Dawgs! Sic’ em!
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Neil Young’s “Harvest” is available from 
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Popularity: 75% [?]
lovin the pictures, lovin the post. lovin this comment:
“But there are a few things that make people in the great state of Alabama get off their collective asses and shout for something that’s not just half-price night at an all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet” and I don’t even get it? where is alabama anyways?
SSGs last blog post..Payback
26 Sep 2008 at 5:41 pm
did bubba from forrest gump come from alabama?
SSGs last blog post..Payback
26 Sep 2008 at 5:41 pm
This is truly an illness, I think. And they make drugs for that.
26 Sep 2008 at 7:53 pm
Yep, Nichole did the photo-editing, good isn’t it!
I think Bubba was from Louisiana, but I’m not sure.
Angel, by illness I assume that you mean being a Tide fan.
26 Sep 2008 at 8:49 pm
I will hand it to ‘bama fan….he just may be the only person who hates Tennessee and Auburn more than I do. For that reason he garners my respect.
Bops last blog post..Southern California Shakedown
26 Sep 2008 at 11:00 pm
I think that Bubba from Forrest Gump was from Alabama. I do remember that Forrest was from Greenbow Alabama. When he and Bubba arrived in Vietnam, they told Lieutenant Dan they were from Alabama, to which Lieutenant Dan replied something like “Little Rock’s a fine town”. Yes, I watch far too much tv.
Since Mizzou is on a bye this week, I’ll have to find another game to watch and the Georgia/Alabama game should be a good one. I’ll have to pick Georgia in this one for two reason. One is Knowshon Moreno, and the other is that they don’t have Nick Saban.
26 Sep 2008 at 11:58 pm
Go Dawgs!! Woof Woof! This is a big game for me since I live in the heart of HELL (North Alabama). The Spawns of Sat(b)an have given me and my beloved Dawgs little hope for victory Sat night. One imp suggested that “Mount” Cody would single handedly destroy the entire Dawg Offense. “I tells ya one thing. Cody can dunk a basketball and ifn we needed him to could prolly shut down AJ Green at corner. He is no joke boy” If the Tide is as good as the “homers” think, we could be in for a long night!
Dawgs 27 Tide 17
Jeff Keiths last blog post..A Damn Good Dawg!
27 Sep 2008 at 12:21 am
My husband is a gator, but we’re cool anyway, right?
Florida Girl In Sydneys last blog post..Intervention Needed?
27 Sep 2008 at 12:36 am
I have to admit - I’m a football ‘tard and I wear the title proudly. It’s all the product of a childhood trauma - let’s just say that I grew up thinking the Oakland Raiders were the losingest team in history, due to the screaming that went in my house.
I’d have to side with the Crimson Tide, because Steely Dan wrote a song about them, and that’s just how shallow I am about football, sports fans!
But now the hub-man? Oh yeah, I’ll show this to him, and no doubt, he’ll get a big charge out if it.
we_be_toyss last blog post..Meet My Hamster (aka, The Long Downward Spiral And It’s Wherefore)
27 Sep 2008 at 12:55 am
Bop, you are absolutely correct–I hates me some Auburn and Tennessee somthin’ awful. I saw so many Orange and White wind suits growing up near Knoxville…I still have a twitch to this day…
Alexs last blog post..Friday links! The smack talk goes global
27 Sep 2008 at 1:22 am
It appears to be on like Donkey Kong up in here. I will say that ‘bamans may be simple folks, but at least they can spell the word “dog” correctly.
This weekend, I am a Bama fan. ROLL TIDE!
(And before you go complaining about fickle loyalties, AFM, my allegiances have always been true: My favorite team is Georgia Tech, my second favorite team is whoever’s playing Georgia.)
27 Sep 2008 at 5:03 am
I wish I could play along in the southern sports one-upmanship, but FSU just lost to Wake Forest. At home. Again.
Sigh.
27 Sep 2008 at 5:47 am
Florida Girl: We had such promise. We could have been great friends. Then you go and admit a thing like that. It’s just a crying shame.
27 Sep 2008 at 5:51 am
*****UPDATE*****
The game may in fact be canceled tomorrow due to the gas shortage here in the southest! Holy crap!
Alexs last blog post..Friday links! The smack talk goes global
27 Sep 2008 at 6:32 am
Bop - Yeah, that’s the thing. Bama isn’t a natural rival. Just wait for the Tennessee or Florida version of this feature!
Jason - Looking forward to seeing if Mizzou is for real next week, but thanks for your support this week!
Jeff - I think Green may have a bit to much for Cody. I’m worried about our O line, though.
FGIS - Uh, no. Sorry, I don’t know if we can be friends anymore. Married to a Gator makes you a Gator and there’s nothing worse than a Gator…
We Be Toys - once I discovered Steely Dan, I liked the Tide for a while as well.
Alex - it looks like you have a tattoo on your neck in that picture. You didn’t get an elephant tattoo just for this column, did you?
Courtney - consider yourself signed up as guest blogger for the Tech dismantling.
Gypsy - I’m going to dress Z up in the FSU outfit his Grampa got him just for you. And re FGIS: I know.
Alex - I just don’t believe this. It’s the SEC, it’s Saturday and we pretty much would have to be in a post-nuclear holocaust for them to cancel this game. Who needs gas?
As an aside, could someone please explain to me what the hell is going on with this gas thing? It’s just not in the news here or on NYT or CNN.
27 Sep 2008 at 7:46 am
Is that tatoo a ‘bama elephant or a GOP elephant? You didn’t actually think a post on here could go without politics talk did you?
Bops last blog post..Southern California Shakedown
27 Sep 2008 at 9:14 am
I pull for any team that wears black jerseys.
27 Sep 2008 at 9:14 am
Are you looking at the international version of CNN? It seems like the US CNN’s webpage really enjoys showing pictures of gas shortage. I’m sure someone in the south can explain it better than me, as it hasn’t been covered here any more than reports stating that there are shortages in the south. There hasn’t been any shortage up north here in Wisconsin.
From what I’ve heard, the southern states are still recovering from certain refineries going offline due to Hurricane Ike. There were even some reports of gas at $5-$6 per gallon when it was available. Just imagine what would have happened if Ike was as devastating as Katrina.
I would be truly shocked if an SEC football game was canceled for a gas shortage. Wouldn’t there be some kind of riot among SEC fans?
27 Sep 2008 at 9:22 am
Bop - as unlikely as it is that Alex would have an elephant (or anything else) tattooed on his neck, it’s even more unlikely that he would have a G.O.P. tattoo on his neck. He’s got poor taste in football teams, but generally pretty good taste in politicians
Nathan B - that’s the right attitude.
Jason - AHA, I was looking at the commie furriner version. Now I see, but I also see that when referring to canceling the game “Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue said he would not consider “a ridiculous idea like this.” Damn straight.
27 Sep 2008 at 9:51 am
[…] See the rest here: Your cadillac has got a wheel in the ditch […]
27 Sep 2008 at 10:22 am
I thought most people in the South still rode horses anyway…
27 Sep 2008 at 10:44 am
Funny, Nathan, I did see this (http://wonkette.com/403090/kentucky-rednecks-have-edifying-insight-about-this-hussein-ay-rab-preznint) on Wonkette. They appear to be riding a horse, but I’m not sure Kentucky counts as the South.
27 Sep 2008 at 12:05 pm
Kentucky is it’s own country. I’m pretty sure the state issues its own passports and you have to pass through customs when you visit.
27 Sep 2008 at 12:35 pm
Speaking of foreign countries. I just heard an interview with Gary Pinkel and think it would be fun to do a Midwest edition of this ahead of the Mizzou-Nebraska game next week. But I don’t know any Nebraska fans. Anyone out there a Husker?
27 Sep 2008 at 1:11 pm
Hey y’all — here in the south we’re runnin’ short on petrol due to the fact that the pipeline was shut down during Ike a couple weeks ago. The pipeline is back on and functional, but it’s literally moving at a snail’s pace — 2 to 3 miles per hour. The tankers are unable to get a full load from the depot stations and are thus delivering smaller loads to fewer stations. What has ensued is a frakkin’ panic. That’s the quick and dirty explanation.
Now, the tatoo on my neck is in fact just the Tide mascot, not me pledging my allegience to the evil empire. That being said, I am a registered unafilliated and I like it that way.
Also, I like to think I had something to do with showing Chris the glory of Steely Dan. And Deacon Blues is a fantastic song. Every music fan should own a copy of Aja.
Alexs last blog post..Friday links! The smack talk goes global
27 Sep 2008 at 1:18 pm
Another Richt gimmick. ::hangsheadlowfortheSEC::
Your dawgs are going down.
Bama by 8+.
I can notttttt wait to beat the ever living crap out of you guys this year. I don’t think I can wait another week to meet you guys in Jville.
Go Gators!
28 Sep 2008 at 12:38 am
Hey Ben,
What happened to the Gators today?
28 Sep 2008 at 7:54 am
Hey Joe - your Wolverines pulled one off today!
28 Sep 2008 at 8:55 am
[…] understand, ESPN in Australia has changed their programming for the day. Rather than showing the Georgia-Alabama game they are now showing Spanish Premier League Football. Spanish. Premier. League. […]
28 Sep 2008 at 9:14 am
When I moved to the Alabama coast full time, I was asked immediately, OK , what’s it gonna be for you…Alabama or Auburn ?
As a Memphis State grad, we care about basketball, not football…I had never given it a moment’s thought.
28 Sep 2008 at 9:29 am
Alex for President. As I readed his post I just knowed that he were an edumacated man.
what’s more intimidating that a team named after a harmful algal bloom of phytoplankton containing photosynthetic pigments?
That is very impressive. I thought the Crimson was the blood of the opponents flowing following the game.
Ug, Ah! proof that dawg don’t hunt. Loving the good natured back in forth. If you want to see this stop have someone from one of those lame conference mess with this crew and we can agree that SEC is the conference.
After that we don’t get along from August until January.
Roll Crimson Tide
Busy Dad Mumbless last blog post..Redskins Vs. Dallas
30 Sep 2008 at 12:22 pm
But you guys are still going down!
Go Gators!!
02 Oct 2008 at 9:31 am
[…] around in these Deep South Smack Talk posts this year. We’ve had Alex call the Dawgs “Pop Warner wanna-be’s” and The Vol Abroad question my parenting skills. This is to be expected when debating the […]
31 Oct 2008 at 11:28 am