A new parade of faith and sparks
Do you guys ever get the idea that you’re being ruled by a gang of not very bright, petulant children? One of the advantages of being an expatriated American is that I can typically watch the goings on back home with an air of detached bemusement. But sometimes devastatingly dumb decisions made stateside can spiral out and smack me about on the other side of the world. For example, when the Congress of Megalomaniac Brats fails to try and save the world’s biggest (not much longer) economy because one of them called some of them names. That’s why I still stay actively up to date with American politics. That’s why I sent my absentee ballot to the Volusia County Supervisor of Elections today.
Maybe now that I’ve voted I can ignore the rest of this train wreck of an election.
Yeah, probably not.
All this mess, Nathan’s comment the other day and this post by We Be Toys reminded me of the last uncontrollable force that I had to try and control. My Siberian Husky, Timmins, is now the very model of a well behaved pooch. Hold on, I’ve just got my tongue stuck here in my cheek. At any rate, he’s certainly an easier animal to deal with than when we were still living in the States. When he was a younger dog, Timmins was virtually impossible to keep contained. With a running start, the dog could clear a six foot fence with not too much trouble. He used to sit by the front door just waiting for a failure in vigilance and then bolt. Once loose, you got the dog back when he wanted to come back. No matter how accomplished a dog tackler you were, Timmins would leave you cursing in a cloud of dust.
Part of dog ownership for Dr. O’C and I was chasing our dog around the streets of Columbia, Missouri as he terrorized cats or whatever other small mammals he could find, chasing him around as he occasionally glanced back at his pursuers with a look of brazen disobedience. We never held a party in which part of the festivities didn’t involve some of the guests wandering around our neighborhood trying to catch our wayward dog. We tried everything to keep the damn dog in the yard and nothing worked.
Somewhere along the way, and I really don’t recall whose idea this was, it seemed like a good idea to try to electrify the fence around out backyard. “It seemed like a good idea at the time” was kind of a theme of the first thirty or so years of my life, so one spring afternoon I came home from work early with some contraband fencing and a few curiously willing work colleagues. We spent the remainder of the day drinking beer and wiring my backyard for electricity. For a house near the center of town, we had a remarkably big yard and so the details are pretty hazy but I do remember Nathan, who actually grew up on a farm, was particularly helpful. What I can’t remember for the life of me is who tested the fence. I do recall one of my work colleagues, who in hindsight I suspect of sadism, trying to convince me to force the dog onto the fence to show him what it was.
I couldn’t cope with watching my dog hit the fence for the first time, so I went inside and waited. I didn’t have to wait long for a shrieking yelp followed by a long, low mournful and angry cry. I hurried out the back and Timmins was in the exact center of the yard looking as if he had just come face to face with his maker. He didn’t move from the center of the yard for hours and that was only to come in to the house to go to bed.
Lest you feel too much sympathy for the dog or are inclined to judge me harshly, that fence only kept the dog in for about a month before he figured out how to avoid a shock and still escape.
I never hit that fence, so I couldn’t tell you what it felt like. Dr. O’C did, at least once, despite knowing it was there. She wasn’t the only one as various people, again at parties, would forget it was there and rub up against it to their surprise. There may have been a time or two that I neglected to tell people that we had an electric fence, just because they annoyed me.
To try and tie this meandering post together, I’d like to give you my best Sarah Palin impression:
Well Katie, to fix this economic crisis, such as, I would suggest putting all of the Congresses together in a pen with a, you know, electric fence and ok, I mean, obviously out there for God and everyone to judge. Then there will be reform, such as with mavericks and lipstick. And we’ll say thanks but no thanks to that bridge to nowhere. Katie. Obviously. They’re not waiting to see what Barack Obama is going to do. Is he going to do this and see what way the political wind’s blowing? I’ll try to find an electric fence and I’ll bring it to you.
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The New Pornographers’ “Electric Version” is available from 
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Popularity: 59% [?]
I will bet my left boob your dog is smarter than Palin :0
Starrlights last blog post..Congratulations to Matt Man and Schmoop!
02 Oct 2008 at 11:03 pm
no sitting on the political electric fence then?
when i was wee there were loads of electric fences around, being loadsa sheep that people tried to keep of roads etc. There were electric gates, that involved 3 “bars” or really stiff, coiled, electrified metal with a flimsy plastic handle. My friends and I used to undo the top bar then run and jump over it, as it was less scary than undoing the rest of them. Stretching the coiled wire back out and into the holder to “close” the gate was also very hard to do. I ended up falling or standing on those “gates” lots of times, and I remember the horrible, weird feeling, like you’re looking out from behind closed eyes with someone shining a light through- red everywhere, and a weird, wobby feeling afterwards. Probably not the best thing for juvenile development… and I still hate those electric shock games, yuck!
Dont some people that train dogs have the electric-shock-collar thing?
SSGs last blog post..Covering a cover…
02 Oct 2008 at 11:04 pm
I specifically came over to your blog to ask you if you’ve seen the Katie Couric interview– I knew you would be loving every second of that clusterfuck. I could not believe how frazzled Katie made her– it was insane.
Your Sarah Palin impression had me completely hysterical– I was dying reading it.
Florida Girl In Sydneys last blog post..Halloween Fun In Australia, Not So Much
02 Oct 2008 at 11:14 pm
Good job getting the vote in. Now if the rest of us can show up and do our part.
The one time I had to vote absentee, my ballot somehow didn’t get there in time (which I was informed of some weeks after the election.) Granted, Georgia was going to the Republicans with or without my futile vote, but I couldn’t help but wonder given the climate of voter fraud pervasive in that election.
So what I’m trying to say is these last four years were my fault, but I’ll be there in person this time around.
mickeys last blog post..Or maybe we should just put it in the water like fluoride
02 Oct 2008 at 11:28 pm
lol!!
i am looking forward to tonight’s debate with WAY more anticipatory glee than i should. it will definitely be entertaining.
mjrcs last blog post..Secret Identity
02 Oct 2008 at 11:47 pm
This is one of my favorite memories from Columbia…a sunny Friday afternoon, drinking beer and running pure electricity around the perimeter of your yard. Good times!
02 Oct 2008 at 11:49 pm
I can’t take it! That dog was so cute as a puppy!
The man who found our dogs used to try the electric collars on himself. I used to try to teleport myself home whenever I met him in the park.
For me it has to be all about job creation. In what respect, Charlie?
People in the Suns last blog post..Calling Henry Kissinger
03 Oct 2008 at 1:34 am
and while its there, it will um, keep out you know, security threats, like um Canadians and Russians. So like it works more than one way, and how is that for multitasking and see I can solve financial crisis and handle foreign policy.
Not that my country´s election is looking very promising, but no one cares about Canada.
03 Oct 2008 at 1:40 am
Hey, at least the electric fence worked. We had one with my old dog (now deceased, but not because of the fence) and he always forgot it was there (he was a sweetheart, but nowhere near as smart as your Timmins.) So when he was let into the backyard, he immediately made a run for the border and nearly did a backflip when the shock hit him, but then he was free and just kept running.
However, I very much like the idea of not telling annoying people that the fence is there. Awesome.
Oh, I can’t wait for the debate tonight. I expect it to be good comedy, but then again my bemusement is completely attached, not detached like yours, so it could also be a bit depressing.
03 Oct 2008 at 1:46 am
We’ve got a boxer-mix pup that could easily clear a 4′ fence, and probably a 6′ one as well… LUCKILY, she doesn’t know this yet, or she knows better than to try.
I understand the “shocking” thing though. I was trying to teach boundaries with as low a cost as possible, so I used a shock collar. I thought I was using it wrong, because she never even flinched. I ended up having to put it on its max setting to get her to take notice. To help myself be OK with doing this to her, I put the collar on my own neck and tapped the button on the remote. It is as bad as you imagine it is. If the shock didn’t FORCE ALL MY MUSCLES TO CONTRACT WITH FEROCITY, I’m certain I would have needed a change of pants.
Joes last blog post..My baby girl!!
03 Oct 2008 at 6:42 am
I’m a tad annoyed that over here, on the other side of the world, we’re hearing so much about the whole USA election circus. I mean that from the point of view of an Aussie, not as an American in Australia - obviously Chris, you would be interested in what’s happening over there. George Dubya couldn’t even remember the name of our former Prime Minister (John Howard - he called him John Major - though that was probably due to his lack of intelligence more than anything else) and I doubt very much that anyone in the US was following our last election, so it bothers me that over here we hear about every little tiny detail of the US election. I’m definitely over it all, and I do my best to avoid most of it anyway, so I can’t imagine how tiring it must be to those of you who actually have a vested interest in the whole process. And you know what else I find strange? That it’s not compulsory to vote in the US. Very odd.
Anyway. Sorry for the essay! And Timmins is cute, though his blue eyes do make him look a little ‘I’m doing my best innocent look, to distract you from the fact that I just hid your best shoe in my den under the house’.
Agness last blog post..Grab Bag - Billy Connolly
03 Oct 2008 at 8:29 am
Hey Agnes, I can totally understand your frustration. I’ve got no idea why your media is so obsessed with the U.S. election. Well, I suspect it’s because it’s all run by Murdoch who has a vested interest in what happens in the States, but let’s leave that aside. It was the same in Britain if that makes you feel any better. For whatever reason the non-American press has really gotten fascinated by the election this time around. Now if you’ll pardon me, I have to go watch the U.S. Vice Presidential debate on the Australian Broadcast Corporation.
03 Oct 2008 at 9:04 am
Hehe, well played! And you’re right, it all comes down to money and business. That pisses me off too, but that’s a whole other kettle of kippers!
Agness last blog post..Grab Bag - Billy Connolly
03 Oct 2008 at 9:38 am
Your Palin impression was fantastic.
04 Oct 2008 at 7:11 am
Forgive me - I’ve been gone from the blogosphere for almost two weeks, so I just now saw your link to me. That was a dead on Palin impersonation, and I can’t help it - I always loved our Houdini of a yellow lab who could scale the 6′ chain link fences, and your Timmins, albeit a different breed, has that same spirit to me. What can I say? I love a rebel!
14 Oct 2008 at 12:51 pm