As the flames rose to a Roman nose
Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking
When I said I’d like to smash every tooth
In your head.
Oh … sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking
When I said by rights you should be
Bludgeoned in your bed.
I don’t know how we got there, but Dr. O’C and I were talking about bullying the other day. I think I expressed my concern that Boy Z could be the victim of bullying one day, to which Dr. O’C responded, “I’d rather that he be a bully than be bullied”. This kicked off one of our trademark “debates”, with me speaking eloquently for the position that bullies, ultimately, are worse off than their victims. The bullying eventually stops, leaving the bully-ee to get on with life, but the bully has to live with themselves for the rest of their life. Now, I know that this is presuming some sort of emotional maturity to people who are little more than burly thugs, but I stand by my position.
Mike, who blogs beautifully at The Newborn Identity, got me thinking about my own experience in school with a post about similar fears around bullying and his little girl. I’ve got a whole shed full of anxiety about Boy Z’s future and can certainly relate. It’s part of being a parent, we’ve got a biological imperative to protect our progeny at any cost.
I don’t think fondly of my time in middle and high school, but I didn’t really have it that bad. As you can probably guess from the photo above, I wasn’t really in the upper social strata of high school. Nonetheless, I didn’t have it that bad on the bullying front. I mean, I took a fair share of verbal antagonism, but I was never stuffed in a locker or anything.
One of my survival instincts is that I can blend in to my environment. I’ve always been able to avoid the line of fire. I sorted high school out pretty quickly - you were either predator (football player, cheerleader, prom queen), prey (stuffed in a locker) or one of the herd that just got generally ignored. I aspired to the herd. The worst moments of high school for me were when I stood out, when I became the slow wildebeest - the one you see being dragged down by lions in nature documentaries.
I’ve already written about one of these incidents in which I found myself at the edge of the herd (involving glasses, P.E. and appendages), but I’ve got another for your carnivorous pleasure. The closest I ever got to being physically bullied is when I made the mistake of aspiring to a predator’s place in the high school food chain. I was crap at ball sports but was a pretty decent swimmer. I earned a high school letter in swimming in my junior or senior year. That was fine, but I made the mistake of deciding that I would like to dress in wolves clothing - I ordered a letterman’s jacket. On a day that, unsurprisingly in hindsight, resembled that day in P.E. class a few years earlier I proudly walked through the doors of my high school wearing my shiny new purple and gold letterman’s jacket. With my head held high I wandered the halls of my high school for aI don’t remember how long it took for a couple of football players to corral me against a wall. They explained to me, very clearly and none too politely, that only proper athletes - football, basketball or baseball players - were permitted to wear letterman’s jackets. They convincingly expressed their opinion that if I wished to keep my limbs fully intact that I wouldn’t wear the letterman’s jacket in their presence. The jacket stayed in my locker for some time*, fortunately without me in it.
Now, these were not pleasant experiences by any stretch of the imagination, but I still stand by my assertion that I’m better off than these guys (and girls) are. I can laughingly tell these stories 20 years later. I’ve gotten past high school, grown, developed, become a happy and content person that lives largely without fear of being stuffed in a locker. They have to live with the fact that they were, and in most cases likely still are, dickheads. Even if they’re not dealing with the remorse of treating people like crap, even if they’re not self aware enough to know that they were/are nothing more than a self-loathing goon, they will still have karma to deal with somewhere along the way.
In a vaguely ironic 21st century twist, a number of these people that at best ignored me in high school have discovered Facebook. Some of the people who went out of their way to make my high school years unpleasant have asked to be my friends. I’d like to suggest that in addition to “Add As A Friend” and “Ignore”, Facebook add a “You were an asshole to me in High School and now you want to be my friend? Sod off.” button.
———————
This cover of The Smiths’ classic is one of my favorites ever. Treepeople were an Idaho band that used to tear up the Seattle clubs back during my time there. They were led by Doug Martsch, who subsequently went on to form the outstanding Built To Spill. If you like what you hear you can buy Treepeople’s records from C/Z Records.
Images:
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*A few years ago and I don’t remember why exactly, probably as a result of a rant like this one, my friend Alex got in touch with my parents and had them send him my letterman’s jacket. He then “gave” it to me as a birthday present. There exists a picture of the two of us in our high school lettermen’s jackets. One of us with a big grin and the other slightly chagrined. If we talk real nice to Nichole she may be able to come up with it.
Popularity: 63% [?]
this is so completely awesome. add the smiths, and dude, i’m sold.
PsssT: deleted my facebook page after three months. just saying.
also, what’s more awesome? i can finally access your site.
ms picket to yous last blog post..Ruthie’s Daughter
22 Oct 2008 at 10:00 am
I know that picture’s around here somewhere, but I don’t know exactly where that might be. I’ll see if I can’t dig it up.
Nicholes last blog post..November is on the horizon
22 Oct 2008 at 10:13 am
Ahh, but sometimes in the end, sweet justice prevails. By all means, you’ve now got a pretty sweet life. Have a look at what the majority of those other folks are doing now… and still hanging out with the same crowd. Just saying.
22 Oct 2008 at 11:27 am
Ms Picket - Why couldn’t you access my site? Anyway, glad you can now. I love The Smiths, though I didn’t get them in H.S. Would have helped a lot if I had.
Nichole - For those of you keeping track at home, Nichole has an inner smart ass that she doesn’t let out enough. Shortly after this post went up I got a friend request on Facebook from her. Guess which button I used?
22 Oct 2008 at 11:29 am
Tom - Most of them are poor, drunk and pregnant and still living in a trailer the same part of the asshole of Florida.
Whoops, that sounded a bit bitter, didn’t it?
22 Oct 2008 at 11:30 am
I agree with you, I’d rather my kid be the bullied than bullier. Mostly because having a kid as a bully is reflective of your parenting whereas having a kid who is bullied is just reflective of the sometimes arbitrary rules of the adolescent/teen social structure.
As the resident chubby, quiet computer geek in school, my husband took a few licks. I’ve watched him counsel our son from very early on how to handle difficult people, how to be assertive rather than agressive and so on. A few years ago, the kids were playing at the playground when some boy that was older and bigger than my son came careening past my daughter and knocked her off her feet. My boy helped his sister up, and then said in a loud authoritive voice, “watch out man, that’s my sister you knocked over.”
I almost cried I was so proud of the way he handled it and at that moment I really wished I had had a big brother of my own.
22 Oct 2008 at 11:42 am
Oh how I agree to the Facebook comment. A friend recently sent me a link to a group for my junior high graduating class, who is trying to plan a 20 yr reunion. Now these are the people who told me not to breathe on them—I think not.
suzers last blog post..The Colours of our Garden
22 Oct 2008 at 1:34 pm
This is such a difficult subject.
My boys (3 & 4) are already having to deal with this in preschool. They’re skinny, smaller kids, and very sweet boys– I guess that means easy targets in some preschool circles.
It made me re-evaluate where they’d go to primary school, and eventually we changed from our original plans.
To be bullied or to be THE bullied, that is the question. I agree that if your child is a bully that it reflects on the parents.
The whole thing absolutely makes me sick.
And btw, we’ll be starting martial arts next year and those little bitch kids who mess with my boys will be sorry :).
Florida Girl In Sydneys last blog post..Figaro 1992-2008 R.I.P.
22 Oct 2008 at 1:35 pm
Chris - I didn’t think of the reflects badly on the parents argument. I’ll try that out on Dr. O’C later. Your comment makes me wish I had been a better big brother.
Suzer - I can’t imagine anything worse than a high school reunion. Oh wait, yes I can - a junior high school reunion.
FGIS - I’ve already seen Zach be pushed over by a bigger kid and try to push over a bigger kid, so I guess it could go either way. The school thing’s going to be a pickle. Dr. O’C wanted Z christened Catholic solely so he could go to catholic school. That was another one that I wasn’t going for.
22 Oct 2008 at 1:41 pm
Amen to your Facebook button! I actually deactivated mine for ages because I got so tired of being contacted by all these dickheads who I’d spent my high school years avoiding or trying desperately to ignore - not because they bullied me as such, I just happened to be in the same year as a whole heap of moronic idiots and vapid cows. I ended up getting a new one with a nickname so that then I only had my real friends on there. Though one person found me through someone I’d linked to and had another go. Get the message, idiot! I definitely resent being added just so some poor soul can increase their (so-called) “friend” count and make themselves feel more important! And I’m intrigued by this cover - haven’t listened yet, but I’m sure I will be suitably impressed! Cheers.
Agness last blog post..Politics schmolitics
22 Oct 2008 at 4:33 pm
there used to be this girl who sat behind me in Chemistry and say horrible things all the time and throw shit at me and stuff. And I used to write the wrong answers down in tests but know myself the right one just so I didn’t get 100% because other kids didnt like it in my school if you did well… but then you get to 6th year and most of the duffers have dropped out. That girl? I think a baby and working in Morrisons (Supermarket) in the town of my school, probably working her way between the different moron boys that still live and work in that town. If I was the bully, I would just be as bad as her, and I would never want to stoop to that level of ignorance, bitchiness and stupidity. But, I wouldn’t like to just sit there and take it, though sometimes it is best to ignore it. Wish I had stood up to her more… and stood up for others more. Well, now i try to i guess…
PS well done in posting that photo, liking the hair, glasses, white christmas tree and open-mouthed expression… I imagine you making some sort of sound like “BahhhhhahhhhhBahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrff” but that’s just me.
SSGs last blog post..Autumn
22 Oct 2008 at 5:00 pm
Oh, and do you watch “My name is Earl”? It’s all about Karma…
SSGs last blog post..Autumn
22 Oct 2008 at 5:01 pm
The difference between the bully and the bullied is that the bullied is circumstantial whereas the bully is the center of the psychological and social problem. So, it seems clear this is the reason why the one in the circumstantial position can get over it easier than the one that has to live with the fact that the problems originate with him/her.
Jr. High and High School sucked. I pretty much kept out of sight as well, but was tormented by the fact that I was sort of a nobody. I wouldn´t go back to that time in my life for anything…Now, college, on the other hand, I´d go back to that time in a heartbeat.
Bluestreaks last blog post..Tomorrow I promise more rice cakes
22 Oct 2008 at 6:22 pm
It all starts so early now. I agree with your side of this subject, but there were times last year when I wished my little girl had been the mean one.
No one has bullied her physically yet because she’s normally much bigger than her classmates. Her biological father stands at about 6′4″, and she has inherited that height. Normally, you’d think she would be the bully, but she’s too humble and big-hearted for it.
Last year, in KINDERGARTEN, a little girl bullied her emotionally until my sweet little six year old was a complete wreck. It’s a torment I hope most parents never go through because I shed every single tear with her. And while I was preaching the high road, my heart was screaming for her to bust the little turd in the mouth. What I really wanted to do was beat the hell out of the parent responsible for the little spawn of evil.
Bella made it through the year and I’m happy to say that little girl, who also bullied others, is no longer in her class. But she actually still pops up from time to time because she has recess with Bella.
The hardest part, rebuilding the self-esteem a bully destroys.
22 Oct 2008 at 7:16 pm
I think kids who bully probably have issues that will follow them into adulthood. I’d rather have my kid be bullied. I mean, something’s going to destroy their self-esteem at some point, right?
Prefers Her Fantasy Lifes last blog post..Joe the Plumber Lives, Breathes and Blogs!!!
22 Oct 2008 at 8:47 pm
BTW, there’s a great series about cruise(shipping) with the Bare Naked Ladies on Vonnegutsasshole.blogspot(dot) com.
Be sure to read part I. I think you’d enjoy it.
Meg
Prefers Her Fantasy Lifes last blog post..Joe the Plumber Lives, Breathes and Blogs!!!
22 Oct 2008 at 8:54 pm
Angel - Your not making me feel any better about Boy Z’s school daze to come.
Bluestreak - Beautifully stated. That was one of my arguments, being the bullied makes you learn to survive.
My personal vision of hell is a cruise ship.
22 Oct 2008 at 8:58 pm
Agnes - Somehow I got sucked in to Facebook. Actually, I think SSG signed me up one day when we were screwing around at work. Now it annoys me, but not enough to get rid of the account.
SSG - Yeah, making good grades was a good way to get unwelcome attention in H.S. for us too. Ask Jamie.
Are you bullying me, making fun of my photo?
Bluestreak - I wouldn’t really go back to College either. Maybe grad school. I’m pretty happy where I am now though.
I wouldn’t mind being 5 years younger.
22 Oct 2008 at 9:18 pm
I wouldn’t mind being 10 years younger and knowing what I know now! But that’s just an aside.
I think I was only bullied once in my life, back in grade 3 and it wasn’t ‘bullying’ so much as being isolated from the group by another ‘kingpin’ girl. We were 7. The headmaster spoke to us both at my mother’s behest. We ended up being best friends. I am forever grateful to that headmaster. Quick intervention and mediation at an early age can work wonders.
Funnily enough I never worried about the BA when it came to bullying (still don’t). She had her own demons but I always felt she was capable of standing up for herself.
On occasion she has been known to be somewhat dominating on the friendship front and as a parent that is a bit embarrassing. Especially when you are friends with the parent. Each time,we’ve dealt with it and all ended up great friends. If I thought she was bullying someone I would tan her hide for her. Metaphorically speaking.
I am concerned that the two sides of your debate were either ‘bully’ or ‘be bullied’. What happened to ‘neither’? Seriously guys, this thing is not inevitable. Many of us go through school with no more than the occasional falling out with friends and the usual awkwardness around the opposite sex. Be careful that you do not project your own issues onto your offspring.
When we were coming back to the UK I explained to the BA that kids in Australia would try to tease her and so on to see if she could ‘take it’ and that is how Australian’s find out if they want to be your friend. She looked at me quizzically and asked “Why would they want to do that Mummy?”
Damn good question. It’s just the way it is here.
As for Facebook; that button sounds like a sensational idea but also I wonder about the people trying to contact you. Could it be that they are remorseful? Perhaps they sense that you had something they secretly coveted? Perhaps they have grown up and would like to see how you grew up? Otherwise why bother adding you as a friend? Am I being naive here? Course the other thing you could do is add them and then send deep and meaningful emails about their behaviour in high school and see how they respond. Hey, could be fun!?
Or not.
LOVE the photo. It is so YOU!
arizaphales last blog post..It Just Keeps Getting Better
22 Oct 2008 at 11:23 pm
Great post! My high school was REALLY small (I had 40 people in my graduating class), but still had the hierarchy you described. I kinda walked the line; I played football and basketball, but was also in band and chorus…and my good friends were the “smart” kids. It wasn’t that way when I started high school…I golfed my freshman year instead of playing football, and got the normal golfer harassment. When I decided to play football the following year, the ribbing went away. I really credit that one decision for making my high school experience one that wasn’t totally horrible.
23 Oct 2008 at 1:30 am
If Facebook had that button, I might be persuaded to join it.
I mostly ran with the herd in high school, but of course there were moments when I was singled out and picked on. I remember them, all of them, vividly. The good news is that I’ve been able to let go of the anger and hurt feelings as I’ve gotten older, and I’m probably a better person for it. I think being a bully is a sign of emotional immaturity, and if you raise Z to respect the feelings of others, he won’t be one.
Still, I still wouldn’t hesitate to kick bullies in the shins if I had the opportunity.
23 Oct 2008 at 1:58 am
A thought provoking post. We are fighting the fine line between being assertive and being bossy. LittleBird has had such a sensitive “just take it” attitude that we are trying to teach her that she has power. Power to leave. Power to speak up. As she grows more confident (and as little brother gets older) we are getting into the bossy stage. Where does one draw the line between sticking up for oneself and being a bully? It is a hard.
NATUIs last blog post..Why Clowns Are Evil
23 Oct 2008 at 3:34 am
I’m with you on rather having my kids be bullied rather than be the bullies. But those bullies? They’ll never get it. They’ll never gain the conscience necessary to feel bad for what they did. And when karma does bite them in the ass? Yeah, their lives will suck, but they still won’t get that it’s because of their previous actions that put them in this fix.
Great post, darlin’.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughters last blog post..Not-So-Real Housewife of Atlanta
23 Oct 2008 at 4:44 am
i’ve only been physically bullied once in my life, this girl pushed me when i was sitting on a chain and i fell back and scraped my back on the cement. but, it wasn’t entirely unprovoked.
anyway, internet bullying is a whole ‘notha story.
carries last blog post..pumpkin patch time!
23 Oct 2008 at 5:03 am
I was fairly solidly in the herd, with occasional forays into the prey category, which generally never went well.
I’m conflicted about Facebook because I feel… under-successful.
Gypsys last blog post..My day so far
23 Oct 2008 at 6:17 am
Arizaphale - I would actually go back to high school with what I know now, because I just wouldn’t give a toss about any of it.
And neither is definitely what I would wish on the boy. I reckon that 90% of people in school fall into that neither category, so chances are he will. Ray of hope.
As for Facebook. I don’t think they’re contacting me because they’re remorseful. Like H.S., Facebook is all about the number of “friends” you have. If you’re not on it, don’t bother. I’m in touch with anyone that I want to be in touch with.
Nathan - Football and baseball - predator.
Boy in choir, definite prey. Wow, talk about having your feet in different camps!
Courtney - I wouldn’t kick them in the shins, but I’d certainly love to share life experiences.
NATUI - I think it’s really tricky. You want kids to be assertive, but not TOO assertive. Fine line.
CMGD - Good point. Maybe I should point it out to them.
As a ‘friend’.
Carrie - You do seem to get more than your fair share of internet bullying. That’s a whole new kettle of fish, to mix metaphors.
Gypsy - In what way?
23 Oct 2008 at 7:56 am
What if I was in Boy Scouts and 4H all through high school?
23 Oct 2008 at 8:39 am
I couldn’t agree more about the Facebook thing. I honestly think you should market that idea to them.
I am still trying to figure out who I was and where I fit in back then in high school. I know now that there are a lot of people who considered me one of the “popular” ones, but I never thought so then. If they saw a girl who was constantly dating, I know I was a girl who was often stood up, regularly hurt, sometimes abused. If they saw a girl who had it easy, I know I was a girl frequently feigning illness, hiding in bathrooms, ditching class in an attempt to not implode.
It reminds me very much of the blogosphere - not so much the popular and not-so-popular crowd thing, but about perceptions and how they are so very often wrong.
I think about bullying all the time. I am always bringing it up with my kids, they are sick to death of me and the topic. But it’s so important to me to be a nice person above all else. I only hope that doesn’t make them victims, as it sometimes made me.
I would have sided with you in the argument.
Sorry to ramble, I don’t usually do that. You’ve got me thinking.
23 Oct 2008 at 8:45 am
Nathan - 4H, I don’t know, because you grew up in farm country. That was probably where the cool kids hung out. Milking goats and shit. Boy Scouts - prey. Especially if you had to wear your uniform to school.
Maggie - I heard Steven King on “Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me” recently. He said that everyone thinks, in hindsight, that they were outsiders in high school. But that he wouldn’t want to meet anyone who looked back at high school as the best years of their lives.
I think he’s probably right. Adolescence sucks for everyone. It’s just how that suckiness manifests itself. If you turn all the turmoil outward on other people, then you are a bully and a dickhead. I bet that most of them are still bullies and dickheads now.
23 Oct 2008 at 8:52 am
dude, don’t you remember u wanted to use facebook to find out about (when i say find out about I mean stalk) your students? (And not stalk in a stalking DrO’C way, just to be clear). And it’s true, adolescence and growing up sucks for most people- loadsa highs but loadsa lows, and loadsa shit people you have to be with, til you get to uni and realise it’s alright to be who you are…
23 Oct 2008 at 5:58 pm
It’s sad that my son’s first experience with a bully was his first grade teacher! Through the whole thing, his dad kept comparing him to Harry Potter and how living through tough situations gives you the mettle to survive in the work world, etc. I rolled my eyes a lot, but it was true. Luckily we communicate with him enough that we knew what was happening everyday. I think as long as you take the time to listen to Z (no matter HOW much he talks), he won’t be bullied without you knowing it. Also, with you guys teaching him respect for others, he’s not going to be a bully.
That facebook thing cracks me up. I just recently rejoined and within days had a friend request from a guy I grew up with who pretended not to know me in high school! The thing is, if I felt pressured to fit the status quo back then, I would have done the same thing. I wouldn’t have exactly been good for anyone’s reputation! So while I would rather die than attend a class reunion, I also don’t hold any grudges. They weren’t confident enough to be their own person, and I was. Truth be told, I was just as likely to snub them for their kakhi pants and polos as they were to snub me for my bellbottoms and beads.
Jessica Ks last blog post..Playing by the Rules
23 Oct 2008 at 11:42 pm
I never got stuffed in lockers either… because I too learned to just be quiet and blend in. My few really good memories of high school are due to times when someone noticed me and complimented me in spite of my quietness.
I’ve only seen a few high school classmates appear on facebook so far. I guess most of them still aren’t computer-literate enough to figure out how it works.
Laras last blog post..Some things I just can’t believe
24 Oct 2008 at 12:13 am
When I was in third grade a boy in my class and I got into a disagreement (I don’t remember what about) and he gave me the “We’ll settle this after school in the usual place” so I showed up after school for the fight, with a friend and some other people just showed up to watch, that little boy, he never showed and after that conveniently he forgot it had all ever happened.
We lived in Louisville, KY at the time, and the schools there were desegregated. The next year, instead of walking to the school a block from my house, I was assigned to be bussed to a school across town, a roughly hour-long bus ride each way. One day on the bus some kid put me in a choke hold, I don’t remember why, I didn’t provoke it because I didn’t even talk to the kids on my bus. The next day my parents put me in Catholic school.
Those are the only examples of physical bullying, but after puberty, some girls get really mean and I had a couple emotionally painful episodes, but mostly I had a good group of friends (I went to a large high school so there was a group for everyone) and that got me through.
I wonder though if real bullies are able to identify themselves as such. There’s a girl I know who now recognizes she was a total bitch in high school, she’s genuinely sorry about it. In her defense, I’ve been reading “The Female Brain” by Louann Brizendine and it seems like the state of hormones in the teenage years set girls up to be evil. That doesn’t mean you have to succumb to it, but it may be harder than we imagine not to. Boys on the other hand are sort of hardwired to bully from the beginning, so parenting is extra important for them in terms of learning what is acceptable and what is not.
Aprils last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Midwestern Sky
24 Oct 2008 at 1:57 am
SSG - Oh yeah! I wasn’t stalking them though, I was just trying to remember their names while marking.
JK - Regrettably, it’s not just other kids that can bully. As you know.
Lara - Yeah, I think most of the worst of the people I went to school with would make John McCain look like an IT guy.
April - I believe you that teenage girls are evil!
24 Oct 2008 at 8:08 am
[…] just say they’re quite obviously dead-on. So I’m not gonna reinvent the wheel here, but Chris’s post is churning my memories like butter and if I don’t weigh in some way, some how (beyond the […]
25 Oct 2008 at 12:40 pm
I could help you, I think. I am a teacher and I was a high school teacher. Help your child develop a core group of friends. It doesn’t matter what “social class” they hail from, it is just having someone to count on that makes things go better.
I have said yes to activities for my son (scouts) that are not my cup of tea, because that is where his real buddies are.
heathers last blog post..Parallel Universes
25 Oct 2008 at 1:43 pm
I’ve always said that the best you could wish for for your kids is that they be geeks with friends.
25 Oct 2008 at 5:52 pm
came over from maggie, dammit. agree with your thoughts, i think. i was mean to a couple people during that “i’m not comfortable in my own skin” phase and am quite certain i feel much worse about it 15 years later than they do.
at the same time, i remember a couple 8th graders from my PE class when i was in 7th grade who were compete dickheads, and i gotta say i don’t mind envisioning their burning in hell.
muskrats last blog post..a few of my favorite mistakes
25 Oct 2008 at 11:16 pm
[…] grew up in a wretched little town in North Florida and attended an even more wretched high school, about which Chris has blogged of late. Academics were of almost no import at said institution, and of the […]
30 Oct 2008 at 7:08 pm