Ten Things I Hate About You: Florida Hate Week Edition

27 Oct 2008 at 13:28

A Free Man

Florida, Football, Georgia Bulldogs, politics

2000 election Florida Florida Gators Florida Hate Week

With apologies to William Shakespeare, Kat Stratford and poets everywhere:

I hate the way you cannot count and blame you for the last eight years.
I hate your endless strip malls. I hate your garish beachfront condos.
I hate your big flying roaches and all your violent crime.
I hate you so much it makes me sick — It even makes me rhyme.
I hate your overpriced theme parks. I hate your tourist traps.
I hate your phallic capital and its corrupt political denizens.
I hate your Disney franchise. And the money it will cost me as a Dad.
But mostly I hate your Florida Gators — Percy, Tebow, Meyer; I hate them most of all.

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24 Comments

by Erin

27 Oct 2008 at 14:46

Ha! I agree! Terrible strip malls. Tower after tower of ugly condos (much liek the Gold Coast). Gross Palmetto bugs that fly in your face and somehow always end up in your house/bathroom (no matter how hard you try to keep me out). The Gators suck and the Hurricanes are worse (go Seminoles). And yes… blame Florida for eight of the worst (if not the worst) years in presidential history.

With all of that said. I miss the sound of the cicadas in summer, the Spanish moss on the trees, manatees, fresh springs, fried clams and hush-puppies, key lime pie and various other wonderful things about Florida.

It isn’t all bad!

Erins last blog post..Saturday- Shopping, Salmon and Sleepers
by Erin

27 Oct 2008 at 14:48

…(much LIKE the Gold Coast)…

Although I was educated in the appalling Florida education system… I can spell. Most of the time.

Erins last blog post..Saturday- Shopping, Salmon and Sleepers
by Ginny

27 Oct 2008 at 15:10

I hate the way native Floridians refuse to sweat. Because my stained pits are like a beacon: “Pick my pocket, y’all! I’m a TOURIST!”

Ginnys last blog post..It’s Friday, and If I Had An Office Job, I’d Be Doing That Half-Assed Too
by arizaphale

27 Oct 2008 at 17:12

Er…..was that ten? Only eight dot points but at least 11 ‘hates’ and a couple of double ups with ‘and’….I dunno…just saying. Maybe Shakespeare could only count as well as he could spell.
Oh, and on the Disney thing? Methinks thou doth protest too much.

arizaphales last blog post..Not Necessarily Smooth Sailing
by Bluestreak

27 Oct 2008 at 18:33

I´m gonna have to do one of these weeks on my blog about Arizona, in an attempt to cure my homesickness. Weird how I can simultaneously miss and hate a place at the same time. Flying cockroaches…now THAT I wouldn´t miss. SICK.

Bluestreaks last blog post..Today I had my citizenry questioned (and probably deserved it, but whatever, Dipshit)
by Angel

27 Oct 2008 at 19:04

You’ve done it! You’ve finally found something we agree on, AFM!!

Just so the record is clear, I hated Florida and all that it holds BEFORE they kicked our guts out this past weekend.

I’ve been to Florida 3 times in my life. First time I was mugged, second I was stalked, third I met my now ex-husband.

And Tebow.

All that makes even the flying cockroaches look okay.

I am so jumping on the “I hate Florida” bandwagon.

*Oh, and I loved that movie. It was my first love affair with Heath.*
by SSG

27 Oct 2008 at 19:07

take a chill pill dude….. man most of our oranges come from Florida, dont they? is it’s motto the sunshine state, or is that CA?
by Dr O'C

27 Oct 2008 at 20:04

I think you have some issues hon. I mean seriously, isn’t hate a bit strong…..

Glad I didn’t chose the orange and blue ball for Zach or all this vitriol could have come raining down on me and Zach.
by admin

27 Oct 2008 at 21:13

Erin – I agree, there are some good things. But it’s Georgia-Florida week, so we’re going to overlook those good things for the time being.

And the public education system, I forgot about that in my list!

Ginny – I never developed that trait during my time in FLA, but then I wasn’t a native. It’s the inbreeding.

Arizaphale – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywKy3MxtXl8&feature=related

Bluestreak – I’m not sure how much I miss FLA, but like Kat Stratford, it’s a love hate. Except for the Gators, that’s a hate hate.

Angel – Sound’s like some pretty good reasons. I imagine that 62-3 spanking they put on you this weekend didn’t endear you to them either.

SSG – Most of your oranges come from Spain.

Dr. O’C – I have issues with the Gators. And I would have made you return the orange and blue ball.
by Nathan B.

27 Oct 2008 at 23:34

FWIW, Disney is really a California franchise…although you could easily sub in USC for the Gators in your rhyme.
by courtney

28 Oct 2008 at 02:05

Agreed. Florida blows.

(And 10 Things I Hate About You is a total guilty pleasure for me. Although it’s not much of a pleasure anymore because it just makes me sad about Heath Ledger all over again.)
by April

28 Oct 2008 at 02:59

I think we’re going to have to start keeping track of the 10 things I hate about you references you make. I know this is at least the second (though I think the first was over in our blog)!
I’ve never been to FL, but I love key lime pie. Does that make me a bad person?

Aprils last blog post..One month to go
by Coal Miner's Granddaughter

28 Oct 2008 at 04:50

Damn. Tell me how you really feel.
by NATUI

28 Oct 2008 at 07:57

Kat Stratford would have been pleased. Especially as I don’t imagine you typed your list, then ran out of the room in tears.

NATUIs last blog post..Thematic Photographic 2 – Happy
by maggie, dammit

28 Oct 2008 at 08:04

I hate jellyfish.
by maggie, dammit

28 Oct 2008 at 08:05

(I’m thinking I might leave that comment on every blog I read tonight, just for fun. Make them wonder.)
by admin

28 Oct 2008 at 08:30

Nathan – pedant.

Courtney – does that mean you’re going to cheer for the Dawgs this weekend?

April – There’s been a few, huh? I may go and buy that movie today.

CMGD – Hate, hate, hate, the Gators.

NATUI – I did actually. It was very emotional.

Maggie – I totally think you should!
by muskrat

28 Oct 2008 at 11:26

FL blows goats. I’ve always thought we as a nation should have a domestic policy towards FL called “saw saw push.” As in, saw it off and push it towards Cuba where it belongs.

Plus, I know the Tide can easily just beat UGA again in Atlanta in December.
by Gypsy

29 Oct 2008 at 01:21

It’s great to be a Florida Gator hater!

Gypsys last blog post..Who cares what I think?
by admin

29 Oct 2008 at 06:54

Muskrat – I firmly agree with your first point and take strong objection to your second. Let’s just hope we get a chance to find out!

Gypsy – As a FSU fan, you’re exempted from Florida hating.
by Cleatus Mcbeever

24 Dec 2009 at 08:33

Florida freakin rocks ya’ll.
Good huntin and such
God bless ya
by Anonymous

27 Mar 2010 at 23:41

I spent a year in Orlando Florida and HATED the weather in summer. Unless you get off on 90F temps and 90% humidity, you’ll need a surplus Russian space suit with working A/C unit to be comfortable. Don’t forget the chance of hurricanes!

Need a CEO for a liquid oxygen plant? I’ll do that. At least if the office A/C breaks, you can cool the office with some of your product! If you like hot weather, bugs like Jurassic Park, and crocodiles that’ll eat your kids, be my guest.
by Alan

29 Apr 2010 at 05:19

Florida is not that bad (I think). It’s a productive state and has beautiful places to go too.
by jc

21 Jul 2010 at 23:02

Lived in Tampa FL for 24 years and will NEVER move back.
The humidity is sooooooooo oppressive and gross. Really people. You can’t understand how bad it is until you experience it for yourself. You sweat IMMEDIATELY upon leaving your home and EVERYONE you come in contact with is sweaty and smelly.
The bugs are out of control. Mosquitoes, fire ants, love bugs, spiders, hornets, and of course COCKROACHES. *shudder*
FL is green and lush IF and ONLY you really work on it. Naturally, Florida is mostly piles of sand with sprigs of weeds and sand spurs.
Florida is FLAT. So very flat. No hills AT ALL. (maybe one in Dade city). No real scenery except at the coast – which of course, does have nice beaches (if you like beaches! I could do a whole other rant on how I hate the beach).
When the temperature does finally get nice in November, the foliage is brown and dead.
High crime in many areas. Tampa was really bad. (I was knocked unconscious by a stranger walking by, my dad was mugged, my friend was almost carjacked, another friend was almost carjacked or raped by a group of guys in a mall parking lot. My car was vandalized, as was my husband’s. CHILD PREDATORS EVERYWHERE. OMG. National stories of predator murderers all the time.)
So many UGLY TRAILERS!!!!!!!!! Thousands of them. And hideous strip malls, and parking lots, and long roads with big ugly 1970’s marquee signs all along the way for miles and miles and miles.
Strip Joints! Tampa is #1 for Strip clubs. (I guess that can be a good thing too, LOL)
Traffic will make you cry.
Of course there are good things too. But not enough to ever warrant going back.