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There’s no football this week, well no Georgia football this week. But I’ve gotten pretty comfortable with having a guest do my job for me on Friday – I am, like the Dude, a lazy man. In fact, in an effort to improve the quality of writing here at A Free Man, I’m thinking of inviting a weekly guest poster after the football season ends, probably on Tuesdays when I spend the day with Boy Z.
This week, I’m happy to have one of my favorite lady bloggers holding down the fort. She’s got every teenage boy’s dream job and is the mother of my future daughter-in-law but beyond that, she’s one of the sharpest writers around. If you’re not reading her blog then you should be. I hope y’all will give a warm welcome to Chris from Formerly Fun who has managed to nicely fit into 90’s week:
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When Chris asked me to guest post of course I said yes and went about thinking about what I would write. He gathers a pretty intelligent crowd, many of whom are parents, so I thought I might expound on a recent fixation of mine, the consumerization of children. Of course, maybe you dear readers need a break from the serious and would rather hear about my days as a Brazilian bikini waxer. Still, this site, while not highbrow, maintains a certain standard that no doubt precludes talking about the ins and outs of chacha waxing.
Later, I got a second email from Chris narrowing my choices, the theme would be 1995. 1995? Color me stumped, I didn’t know what to write. In 1995, I was twenty-one, finishing my last year of college. I had taken the LSAT and scored in the top 7%* in the country, I had limitless options as far as law schools went but I could not get my head around whether or not I actually wanted to be a lawyer. Did I want to travel? Tired of being poor, should I get a job? I know one part of me wanted to write, even then, however, in my family “artistic” pursuits got shelved for “real jobs”. I never really thought it was an option. I had so many people telling me what I should and shouldn’t do that I couldn’t hear myself think.
I look back to those days, really not that long ago and hardly recognize myself. Those were probably some of the most difficult days for me, that tumultuous transition between childhood and adulthood. Not legal adulthood mind you, but adult in the sense that you truly take care of yourself and make your own decisions. I was terribly unsure of myself back then. I was still living under the roof of my very opinionated mother, running almost every decision past her because I didn’t trust myself. I was, and continue to be, the extroverted introvert. Shy and slightly uncomfortable in social situations, being funny and gregarious is my defense mechanism to overcome that anxiety. I only appear socially adept.
I thought about how much of what I know now I wish I had known then. I imagine sitting down with my twenty-one year old self. What would I tell her if I had the chance? How could I better prepare her? I’m sure the things I’d say will continue to evolve, but at thirty-five, this is what I’d pass along.
- You are not the only one who is insecure and unsure of yourself, in this regard, you are just like everyone else which should be comforting.
- Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed about being smart, later on you’ll find the best men like the smart girls.
- You need some breathing room away from your family to figure out who you are and what you want.
- With regard to said family, just so you know, they’re not always right.
- Tennis? Volleyball? Ballet? So what if you’re hopelessly uncoordinated? Especially since really, you’re not, your just so self conscious that you get yourself all torqued up and forget how to move your body. These are things you want to try, so what if you look silly, what do you care? Guess what? Most people are too self-absorbed to care what you’re doing anyway.
- Stop being so afraid of failing. You think half the people out there are misguided and misinformed anyway so why do you care what they think?
- You think you’re not pretty and you need to figure out why you think that because it’s not true.
- Go easy on the carbs and you’ll lose that babyfat. Stop eating salads with ranch dressing and cheese, in spite of what you think, this is not going to help you lose weight and frankly, it tastes awful.
Your parents can only give you the tools they have so you are not going to be armed with everything you need. Some things you’ll figure out the hard way, other tools you can get through some keen observation, the latter is far easier.- You got the short straw in the dad department. His behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you. You don’t deserve it, you didn’t do anything to cause it. You are not difficult to love and in time, you will figure out how to trust men again.
- With regard to men, you seriously have to expect more.
- That thing you do, you know the thing I’m talking about, you need to stop doing it on the first date.
- Get yourself a good therapist(see #9 & #10, and really, probably #11 & #12 too)
- Clean up those eyebrows already, bushy brows are so 1995.
- One word, sunscreen.
- Quit smoking today.
- Trust your gut. Whether it’s school, men, friends, you know more than you think you do.
*I never actually attended law school so that 7% is the sum of my bragging rights.
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This Green Day track was Chris’ choice and I think I see why. “Dookie” came out in ‘95 and I love it now as much as I did then – it’s just masterful pop-punk. Buy the album from 
or, even better, your local independent record store.
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Actually, Chris, I think this site could use a lot more talk about cha-chas.
This was a great post! I might have identified with too many of the lessons, though. Especially the ones where therapy might be needed.
Yo
I have just come home from the pub. drunk. and now I am eating chips with cheese. I just wrote ships by mistkae and deleted it. haha.
Anyways in 1995 I started highschool, so you’re no so much older than me. I like your post. at 21 we still have a lot to learn. at 25 I still have shit loads to learn. My friends tonight were great, MrC wasny there and they were just dead nice.
i wonder if i should take some of your advice, not eating so much cheese and setting my standards higher. maybe.
Well I am off to bed now in my red wine induced sleep. I don’t even like red wine. I just wrote skeep there and then deleted it. haha.
Night night from the UK
PS are you really 21 in the photo? you look like 15!
i have just eaten ALL the chips and cheese. with brown sauce. now I feel bad.
How about this: don’t marry your best friend. Yikes! I’ve said too much!!
Nice to see another gal who only appears social adept. I wish we had some kind of secret handshake. It would make some of these moms groups and preschool meetings so much easier to navigate. I have started to give up hope that I will ever learn to keep my mouth shut at the right time. Rockin’ post. Thanks, Mr. Free Man, for letting her guest write here today.
SSG – You may have just invented the blogging version of drunk dialing. Lush.
Prefers – Actually, wouldn’t you be better off marrying your best friend?
NATUI – It’s Dr. Free Man.
All such great advice that I know I wasn’t ready to hear until I approached 30. In LibraryLand, we talk about balancing “the tyranny of the perfect” with being in a state of “perpetual beta.” Seems like we could all do a little more with that in life too. Try to be your best but don’t be afraid to take chances. If it doesn’t work out, it’s most likely not the end of the world.
“I only appear socially adept.”
This stood out for several of us commenters, I think because we can all relate. In this day and age, what does it mean to be “social” anyway?
Loved it. The 90’s were a very tough time (bad football from Georgia, terrible relationship decisions on my part, law school) for me. The harsh light of day revealed three things:
you can never ‘know’ what you are going to do, you just go do; life is good about kicking you in the balls when you least expect it, so wear a cup all the time; and people who tell you they love you just to get something don’t really love you, but if they are good, you can still have fun with it. Welcome to the grown up club, we have jackets and drink expensive liquor.
Great Mizz Formerly Fun! Great!
What lessons for us all, eh?
you mean my steady diet of a big bowl of iceberg lettuce, shredded carrots, shredded cheddar, raisins, fresh ground black pepper, and ranch dressing ISN’T helping me with those last few pounds?
But it is so delicious.
And I use that weird ranch spray that has 10 calories…
Great post!
I think everyone could probably use a good therapist at some point in their lives, especially as a teenager. Great lessons, though.
But I love salads with ranch dressing and lots of cheese. Yum.
This site needs more early Green Day…
Chris-yes, every site could do with a little chacha convo, if for nothing more than prurient interest. Maybe after the season instead of Smacktalk, I’ll do a Waxtalk for you, but then you have to quid pro quo and talk genomes over at formerlyfun.
Angel/Courtney-therapy for me was a blessing. I didn’t want to spend too much time navel gazing, more a ‘why do I do this and how can I change my behavior’, it sucks to clean up somebody else’s mess but it’s my house right? I highly recommend it.
SSG- Thank you for telling me I looked 15 and your drunk commenting is hilarious, ‘I just ate all the chips and cheese and now I feel bad’, I feel like I was there with you.
Prefers- It’s a crap shoot sometimes isn’t it? I say no getting married before thirty, you’re still changing so much before then and it’s the small bunch that can change in ways each other can live with.
Natui/tysdaddy-
I’m glad you guys got the extroverted-introvert thing, most people don’t.
admin- “It’s Dr. Freeman”, uh, no false modesty there.
Jennifer- true, I’ve always felt like we end up where we’re supposed to be, our choices may change the route but eventually we’ll end up there.
The Dean-How was law school? I actually regret that I never went, I didn’t want to be a lawyer but I loved school, plus owning a biz, it would be helpful to be JD. I rarely drink so for me I would have to say being an adult now means having a $3k mortgage,ouch.
MongolianGirl-You know I lurvs you too.
Lora- Thanks. I don’t think I’d trust salad dressing that’s 10 cal/spray, liquid evil
Awesome post, FF. Oh man if I could have a conversation with my 1995 self. I would have sorted a lot of shit out with her that plagued me for too damn long.
I took the LSAT too, though I never went to law school–after scoring in the 96-%ile. That’s because I found out I was pregnant the same day I got a letter telling me about my full-tuition scholarship. I’m not the type of person who could do both.
So instead I developed my arguments against the most argumentative child ever born. Some things work out.
I went to Law School. It wasn’t that great. Unlike this post.
Wiscawsome.
Oh God. “Extroverted introvert.” I just found my label.
In 1995 I was searching for notches to put on my bedpost. And listening to a lot of 311.
FF, I’m always amazed at your conviction, your sureness of self. Because it’s not awkward or aggressive, it just is. I love that. Way it should be.