A Free Man

I’m coming to realize this week that holidays (vacations) as I knew them are over. In the past, holidays with Dr. O’C have been leisurely affairs - sleeping late, consuming novels like candy, leisurely walks on the beach, wandering through the ancient cities of Europe, luxurious dinners. Well, with the introduction of a toddler terrorist into the equation things have changed. There is certainly no sleeping in together. We did take a walk on the beach yesterday, but there’s a difference between leisurely and zigging and zagging in a generally backward direction after a toddler who’s recently learned to run. In fact, most of our holiday thus far has been spent chasing Boy Z, making sure he doesn’t take a flying leap off of a jungle gym. Seems to me that young boys are biologically programmed to kill themselves.

The result? Complete exhaustion by Boy Z’s bed time. After that wonderful exhalation that slips involuntarily out of my lungs when I’m sure the boy is asleep, an overpowering weariness sets in - fatigue so strong that I can’t read, write or anything other than cuddle up with Dr. O’C in front of the TV, in fact we’ve become completely addicted to the American version of The Office (on DVD) this week. Don’t know what we’re going to do when we run out of episodes. Oh well, I’m back to work on Monday where I can relax a bit.

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All this preface is just an excuse for being a blogging slacker for the last few days. My intent was to finish my Top 10 list before the end of the year and with two to go on New Year’s Eve, I’ve run out of time. So, let’s jam them in before the deadlie. Here’s where we were when last we spoke:

10. The Hold Steady - “Stay Positive”
9. The Black Angels - “Directions To See A Ghost”
8. Sun Kil Moon - “April”
7. Frank Turner - “Love, Ire & Song”
6. Vampire Weekend - “Vampire Weekend”
5. Jon and Roy - “Another Noon”
4. Frightened Rabbit - “Midnight Organ Fight”
3. Okkervil River - “The Stand-Ins”

Coming in at Number 2 is the latest from one of my favorite bands of the last decade. With two lines from their 1998 debut “Gangstabilly”, the Drive-By Truckers made me a life long fan:

The devil says the only thing that’s buggin’ him
is Hell’s filling up with Republicans…

Alabamans who settled in Athens, Georgia about the same time I did, the Drive-By Truckers built up a dedicated local fan base with their first couple of records of clever, tongue-in-cheek country before garnering deserved national attention for “Southern Rock Opera” in 2001. With this record, the band made the transition from a kind of novelty act to a proper Southern rock band and became the best that genre has seen since the 1970’s. 2003’s “Decoration Day” was the band’s masterpiece, and probably one of the best records of the decade.

The band has been in a constant state of flux since then. They added a third guitarist, the outstanding Jason Isbell, who has since left on a solo career. I worried a bit for the Truckers, as their last album seemed slipshod, but with the release of “Brighter Than Creation’s Dark” earlier this year they made a statement that they are in it for the long haul. It’s a rambling beast of a record and has earned comparisons to The Stones’ “Exile on Main Street” and Wilco’s “Being There”. It is by no means a perfect album, nor is it the Drive-By Truckers’ best album, but it is another great one from a band at the top of their game. Have a listen to the opener and if you like what you hear, buy “Brighter Than Creation’s Dark” from .

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That just leaves Number 1. My Top 10 list is mine and thus I get to make the choices. There have been a couple of criteria throughout. First, all the albums are by unsigned artists or artists signed to a truly independent label. The Big Four lost my business earlier by clamping down on bloggers in a desperately Orwellian fashion. They’ll get no more of my money, nor will I shill for them for free anymore. The second criteria is simple - albums that I listened to over and over and that made me happy this year. The latest record from the husband and wife team Mates of State is the perfect example of that latter criteria. There’s nothing groundbreaking or original about “Rearrange Us” - it is just perfectly crafted pop music. It’s wonderfully written. There isn’t a bad track on the record. And it’s perfect to sing-along to. Do you need more? The record kind of got panned by the critics. I don’t know why. It’s as close to a perfect pop album as I’ve heard in years and it was my favorite album of the year. I can give you A Free Man guarantee that if you buy this one from you will not be disappointed.

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Oh, and there’s the little matter of the Grand Prize winner - the lucky reader who will be receiving all ten of my favorite albums of 2008. There was a total of forty entrants and to insure complete randomness, I used random.org to generate a random number between 1 and 40. And the winner is…

Heather from Ghost of a Smile!

But because this particular prize won’t cost me any money and so there will be slightly fewer disappointed readers, I’ve decided to pick a couple of other winners

Father Muskrat (thank god, because I’m pretty sure he was going to kick my ass if he didn’t win) and Mickey from The Prettiest Denny’s Waitress. For those of you who didn’t win (i.e. losers), don’t fret. I’m going to try to come up with a little post-New Year’s thank you gift.

Congrats to Heather, Father Muskrat and Mickey. I’ll be in touch with you guys after I’m back from vacation with details on how to claim your prize.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to this:

 

 Drive-By Truckers - "Two Daughters and a Beautiful Wife" [3:06m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

 

 Mates of State - "The Re-Arranger" [4:29m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Popularity: 44% [?]

Well, now that Christmas is over for another 365, A Free Man’s holiday can start in earnest. I’ve got a house near the beach, Dr. O’C, Boy Z, and Timmins, and no work until January 5. I’ve got  five days of test cricket on the TV. It just doesn’t get much better than that.

Because I’m working at holiday pace, you’ve still got plenty of time to enter to win all ten of my Top 10 albums of 2008. Just leave a comment, any kind of comment, on this post.

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Image credit:

Michael Hussey

The Pixies’ “Come On Pilgrim” is available from .

 

 The Pixies - "Holiday Song" [2:15m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Popularity: 59% [?]

I’m cheating a little bit in my choice of the #3 album from an independent or unsigned artist. Actually, it’s my list so I can do whatever I want. But I’m including the latest album from Austin’s Okkervil River largely as a recognition of their whole body of work, rather than the album itself. Don’t get me wrong, “The Stand Ins” (Jagjaguwar) is an excellent album, but on its own it is probably not worthy of a spot this high in the top 10. However, this sextet of Texans has been churning out great records since 2002 and I can’t get enough of them.

One of the wonderful things about Okkervil River is that music lovers of any age seem to really get these guys. I’ve passed their music on to Arizaphale’s 13 year old daughter and Dr. O’C’s fifty-something uncle and they both love it. How many bands out there are accessible to teenage girls, baby boomers and everyone in between? To me, this indicates that you’ve got something musically that transcends generations.  That’s something special. And so is “The Stand Ins”. It’s a bit too short with a bit too much ’space’ - in reality it’s just a long EP. It’s not as strong an album as last year’s “The Stage Names” or 2003’s “Down the River of Golden Dreams” - but if you like good music, I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll like Okkervil River. Have a listen to “Singer Songwriter” and if you like what you hear, buy “The Stand-Ins” and other Okkervil River albums from .

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Tomorrow is Xmas in Oz. You’re not likely to see a warm and gushy festive post here, but you never know. If you’re like me - in other words, dreading most of the day (I know there are some of you out there) - then remember it’s just another day, remarkably similar to December 24 and December 26. Get through 24 hours and it’s done for another year. Boxing Day is the big day for me as that is when we start our vacation at the beach. Posting will probably be sparse until after the New Year, so I’d like to wish my gentle readers a tolerable Christmas and the best of luck in the New Year. Appropriately enough, I’ve also posted a ‘Christmas’ song from Okkervil River.

And I hear that song sometimes and imagine us much more than friends - like if
we stayed in this town, bought the first house that
went up on sale, and how each
Christmastime would bring
in-laws and snowdays and
holiday mail.

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Just a reminder on the final contest of the year. Win electronic copies of each of my top 10 albums of the year. All you’ve got to do is leave a comment on this post. Easy peasy. Good luck.

 

 Okkervil River - "Singer Songwriter" [3:50m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

 

 Okkervil River - "Listening to Otis Redding During Christmas" [7:11m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Popularity: 69% [?]

Eight years old with flour sack cape
Tied all around his neck
He climbed up on the garage
Figurin’ what the heck
He screwed his courage up so tight
The whole thing come unwound
He got a runnin’ start and bless his heart
He headed for the ground…

Until Jamie wrote his guest post a few weeks back, it never fully occurred to me that my chosen path in life has been anything other than (slightly left of) normal. It didn’t really cross my mind that, as Jamie put it, that I was working without a net. I was honestly under the impression that, at least at the time I was making them, I was making pretty sensible decisions. That being said, most of them were made under the influence of something.

Now he’s all grown up with a flour sack cape
Tied all around his dreams
He’s full of piss and vinegar
He’s bustin’ at the seams
He licked his finger and checked the wind
It’s gonna be do or die
He wasn’t scared of nothin’, Boys
He was pretty sure he could fly

I’m not much for religion, at least the variety that gets practiced inside a church. But I’ve come to believe, in a typically convoluted manner, that something or someone wiser than me is actually running the show. As a scientist, I always look for empirical evidence to support a belief. In this case, I’ve got loads. The fact that I’m happy and healthy and running free in the Southern Hemisphere rather than in a jail or some other institution or dead is ample proof of the existence of a power greater than myself.

Old and gray with a flour sack cape
Tied all around his head
He’s still jumpin’ off the garage
And will be till he’s dead
All these years the people said
He’s actin’ like a kid
He did not know he could not fly
So he did…

And Boy Z. Some of you know that Boy Z’s birthday was a very special day for me before he was born. His arrival on that day just reaffirms the previous paragraph for me. Boy Z’s got some pretty dubious genetic gifts coming his way beyond male pattern baldness and just general funny looking-ness. Some days that worries me. But then I realize that if I made it, despite repeatedly jumping off the garage with nothing but a bit of burlap around my neck (metaphorically speaking) then there’s no reason that Boy Z won’t make it as well. I couldn’t do anything to change his choice of which path to take in life anyway. He’s going to reach an age at which I’m going to have very little influence on his choices - I’m certainly not going to be able to dress him up in matching shoes and caps for too long, for example. He’s going to do what he’s going to do and he’s going to be what he’s going to be. If I could give Boy Z a bit of advice, I would use these words, slightly modified, from Guy Clark:

Be one of those who knows that life
Is just a leap of faith
Spread your arms and hold your breath
And always trust your cape

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This version of Guy Clarke’s “The Cape” comes from a live album done with Steve Earle and Townes Van Zandt called “Together at the Bluebird Cafe”. If you’re a fan of any of these musicians then this album is an absolute must. Buy it at .

 

 Guy Clark - "The Cape" [3:30m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Popularity: 76% [?]

Just a reminder of where we’ve been thus far:

10. The Hold Steady - “Stay Positive”
9. The Black Angels - “Directions To See A Ghost”
8. Sun Kil Moon - “April”
7. Frank Turner - “Love, Ire & Song”
6. Vampire Weekend - “Vampire Weekend”
5. Jon and Roy - “Another Noon”

One of the toughest things about living in Britain was making friends. The English are notoriously reserved, tend to put up a front for public consumption and are not particularly fond of Americans - so it was tough to get to know many people in the early days in England. Scots, however, are a different kettle of fish. They are more outgoing than the English, particularly with a drink or three in them and lack the guile to be disingenuous. Plus, they don’t dislike Americans as much, largely because their hatred is reserved for the English. What this means is that a lot of my best friends in Oxford were Scots. There was the Glaswegian Oxford Don who kept me sane in an unpleasant job by sharing strength and hope. Another Glaswegian, the wine steward at one of the colleges in town, kept me sane by letting me rant at him once or twice a week over coffee. And then there was the Ph.D. student from the Highlands who kept me sane by periodically stabbing me. Good times.

Scots can be pretty good musicians as well. Beyond the obvious traditional Scottish music and The Proclaimers, there are bands like Belle & Sebastian, Idlewild, Jesus & Mary Chain, Beta Band and Arab Strap making lusciously dark music in the gloomy north. To that list, I’d like to add Frightened Rabbit. The Selkirk quartet released their second LP, “Midnight Organ Fight” (Fat Cat) back in April and it’s been a regular favorite for me since then.

I’m running on empty here in the lead up to Christmas and was struggling to come up with words to describe Frightened Rabbit’s music. Dr. O’C and I were listening to “Old Old Fashioned” on the way to Sellick’s Beach yesterday and I asked her of what the song reminded her. With no hesitation, she replied “Counting Crows”. And she’s right - there’s a real roots feel to a lot of Frightened Rabbit’s music as well as that yearning euphoria that Duritz and Co. did so very well. The album is diverse - a lot of exploration of genres - but if you like this track, chances are that you’ll like most of the album as well. Go out and support an up and coming independent band by purchasing “Midnight Organ Fight”.

Check out my interview with Frightened Rabbit from back in April for more about the band.

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Now to the important business. It is time to announce the winner of the Tagline Contest. I struggled with this one for quite some time. There were several great entries and I suck at making decisions. I’m as big a fan of genital humor as the next guy, so Nichole’s entry - A Free Man: Now with 99% more Kangaroo Scrotum - definitely tickled my fancy, but didn’t seem quite the image I was after. Father Muskrat, a bit piqued after not making the cut in the limerick contest, gave me the vaguely threatening A Free Man: Bantha Fodder. Then there was Jamie’s predictably wordy entry - A Free Man: The adventures of one crazed, belligerent North Florida Redneck transplanted into a sea of crazed, belligerent Antipodean Rednecks. Up until late last week, I was pretty sure that the winner was going to be a collaborative effort between Boyhowdy and Headbang8 - A Free Man. Free the mind, and the man will follow.

I really like that one. In fact as I write this I’m still torn and am thinking that maybe I made the wrong decision. But my favorite, for reasons known to a few of you, came in late and on the wrong post, from Mongolian Girl.  I’m a stickler for the rules, well for my rules, and I almost threw her entry out for violation of those rules. But it’s just too perfect for me to ignore:

A Free Man - Stepping Up From Down Under.

So, congratulations to Mongolian Girl, your music will be on the way as soon as I can be bothered to go to the post office. I think that your share of the prize includes the latest from Setting Sun, which I was listening to this morning and is just excellent.

Now, if you’re starting to feel aggrieved that your limerick/tagline wasn’t chosen, here’s one more opportunity to win a musical prize this December. To one lucky winner I’m going to give away electronic copies of each of my top 10 albums of 2008. All you’ve got to do to win is leave a comment on this post. You can tell me what you’re favorite music was this year, you can tell me how wonderful I am, you can leave a comment saying “This is a comment so that I might win”. Whatever. One winner will be chosen at random when the #1 album is announced (some time before the New Year). If you’ve previously entered either the limerick or tagline contests, you’ll get an extra entry and an extra chance to win.

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Buy Frightened Rabbit’s “Midnight Organ Fight” from .

Image credit:

Scotsman

 

 Frightened Rabbit - "Old Old Fashioned" [3:45m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Popularity: 81% [?]

I was going to have a scintillating post for you today about sex, Neanderthals and genocide but for some bizarre reason my employers wanted me to work at work today. Madness.

It’s Friday evening and the week is done* and the forecast for the weekend makes me think you won’t be seeing anything about Cro-Magnon man until Monday at the earliest.

I’m beginning to see the advantage of having Christmas in the summer time.

Barring a late run, it looks as if Arizaphale has successfully used her questionable tactics to win the limerick contest. You’ve still got one more day to give me your best shot at a new tagline.

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Can’t think of  a better song for today than The Decemberists “Summersong”. Buy the outstanding “The Crane Wife” from .

* This would be the weather forecast for Adelaide on Saturday. Any guesses as to what’s on the agenda? Suckers.

** If you’re reading this with another day of work to slog through, maybe you should consider moving to Australia where it is already the weekend.  Suckers.

 

 The Decemberists - "Summersong" [3:31m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Popularity: 85% [?]

Those of you who have been around for a while know that A Free Man originated as a site that was cleverly named after myself - my full name. I started to get a little nervous about internet pirates and also wanted to prevent coworkers or old high school acquaintances from finding the site. I wanted to be anonymous. To be able to say what I wanted without occasionally reckless or borderline libelous statements being attached to me forever. You never know, I may still make that run for president. For the most part, A Free Man works OK. If you google my name, this site doesn’t come up as a hit. Perfect.

But I occasionally still find myself lacking in the anonymity that I need. For example, I would love to chuck a huge therapeutic rant at the internets today. I would love to just vent, to use the full therapeutic capacity of my blog to get a whole load of minor frustrations off of my neck. That’s supposed to be one of the benefits of anonymous blogging. But I can’t, because despite the fact that Google doesn’t know who I am, a lot of people out there do. I can’t because a lot of what I want to rant about is other people. I can’t because Person X who reads this blog is related to person Y who would feature in the rant. I can’t rant about the real reasons that Christmas Day is filling me with dread rather than the emotion it should be filling me with because Person 1 is involved. Person 1 is a friend of Person 2 who knows Person 3 who reads this blog. The internet is great for making the world smaller, but sometimes a small world is just a little bit to small.

So, I’m stifled and stuck and a bit pissed off with no real venue to throw it out there. Maybe I’ll write my rant and not publish it. Or maybe I need another blog that I don’t let anybody read.

Or maybe I’ll just listen to a good album, like the one by  the artists who released my choice for the fifth best album of 2008 - Jon and Roy. The Victoria, BC trio jammed their latest album, “Another Noon” into my inbox earlier this year and I just fell in love with it on the first listen. It’s dead simple - acoustic and folky with a tinge of the Carribean, a couple of guys with a guitar and various percussion. It’s low key, cheerful and just sublime - a little bit Jack Johnson, a little bit early Beck. These guys, to my knowledge, are unsigned so take some time to have a listen. Jon and Roy are the kind of musicians that are working their butts off for not very much recognition. So, if you like what you hear then strongly consider buying their album from .

Some machinations on the contest front. Arizaphale has called out her readers and even somehow managed to get links on blogs I’ve never heard of resulting in dozens of votes for her limerick. So this one may be wrapped up. I guess the invocation of Florida politics was prescient. The good news is that the Tagline contest is still wide open, so write me a new tagline by the end of business tomorrow for a chance at a marsupial pouch full of new music. AND stay tuned for the GRAND PRIZE contest which will be immune to political skullduggery, dodgy judging and will require very little effort (for the lazy among you).

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Image credit:

Rant

 

 Jon and Roy - "To The Beach" [3:36m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

 

 Jon and Roy - "By The Sea" [2:25m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Popularity: 89% [?]

I’m sorry to report that their is no movement on the Christmas spirit front. Not even after having a Christmas tree thrust upon me, a spell of Christmas shopping and a Christmas party on the weekend. Though, sitting in the warm late Spring sun at a barbecue doesn’t really summon up the Noel for me. I suppose if it’s going to happen at all, it will be watching Boy Z open presents on Christmas morning.

I do have some good holiday news, however - a couple of friends have offered up their house for the week after Christmas in what is, in my opinion, the nicest part of Adelaide. A gorgeous old house, five minutes from the beach and a beautiful old shopping district. Hell, there’s even a ferris wheel. Both Dr. O’C and I have the week off and it’ll be a much needed break from Happy (Crappy) Valley.

Just to prove that I’m trying to get in the spirit, I’ll give you my playlist of holiday favorites:

But it don’t snow here
It stays pretty green…

MP3: Joni Mitchell - “The River”

M4A: Jona Lewie - “Stop The Cavalry”

MP3: Aimee Mann - “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”

Her old man’s in the sleigh
I’m sneaking in the back door…

MP3: Drive-by Truckers - “Mrs. Claus’s Kimono”

MP3: Steve Earle - “Christmastime in Washington”

MP3: Bright Eyes - “Blue Christmas”

Hey Charley, I’m pregnant
And living on 9th street
Right above a dirty bookstore
Off Cuclid Avenue…

MP3: Neko Case - “Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis”

M4A: The Eels - “Everything’s Gonna Be Cool This Christmas”

MP3: Loudon Wainwright III - “Suddenly This Christmas”

And, of course, the best Christmas song of all time:

You’re a bum
You’re a punk
You’re an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God its our last.

MP3: The Pogues - “Fairytale of New York” 

Enjoy.

Popularity: 100% [?]

Australia is probably most famous, or infamous at least, for having more species of lethal critters per capita than any other place on earth. There are crocodiles, all manner of snakes and spiders, box jellyfish, blue-ringed octopi, and on and on. It was kind of an exciting idea - moving to this raw Southern Hemisphere wilderness with animals that are just itching to kill you around every bend. Dr. O’C comes home almost daily with some tale about encountering a ‘killer spider’. I haven’t seen any kind of spiders. In fact, I have yet to encounter any native fauna that could be described as anything other than cuddly, nevermind deadly. I mean, I guess a kangaroo could beat the crap out of you a la Sylvester the Cat, but I was beginning to think this dangerous continent of deadly denizens thing was as mythical as the Australian summer.

Until today. While walking the dog beach with Boy Z and Timmins, I saw a huddle of a half dozen people on the shore looking nervously out at a shadowy form in the surf. We jogged over to have a look and saw what was very clearly a fairly large shark about five meters from shore. (I know that I recently misidentified a coromorant as a penguin, but today there were others their to confirm my i.d.) Regrettably, I didn’t have my camera, but I’ve got to tell you it was pretty exciting. I suspect the big guy had figured out that the dog beach was a good source for little canine treats. Since my close encounter, I’ve been reading about shark attacks in South Australia. This is something that I need to stop doing right now.

But that’s not what I came here to talk about today. I came to talk about the sixth best album of the year by an unsigned or independent artist. Just a reminder of where we’ve been thus far:

10. The Hold Steady - “Stay Positive”
9. The Black Angels - “Directions To See A Ghost”
8. Sun Kil Moon - “April”
7. Frank Turner - “Love, Ire & Song”

I love a good pop band. Unfortunately, most Top 40 radio is populated by really crap pop bands. So, when I find one that is exceptional, it’s easy for me to fall in love. And earlier this year, I fell in love with New York’s Vampire Weekend. There’s nothing exceptional about their self-titled debut (XL), it is just masterful, joyful, ska-inspired pop music. But I challenge you to listen to them and not be almost immediately smitten. I was living in Oxford at the time the album came out and spent a good couple of months skipping along to “Oxford Comma” even though I’m sure that the song has pretty much nothing to do with the university town in the south of England. Have a listen to that track and if you like what you hear, buy the album from .

And that just leaves your daily reminder about the December giveaways here at A Free Man. I’ve got a metric ton of great new music to give away and two contests currently running. There are a lot of good entries for the Tagline Contest, but none that I’m completely sold on yet - so there’s a window of opportunity to win some free music. All I need from you, gentle readers is a new pithy tagline for A Free Man. Leave your inspired creation as a comment on this post. The Noble Savage is ahead in the limerick contest by a nose, but there’s a lot of time left. Head on over and vote for your favorite.

Image credits:

Shark

 

 Vampire Weekend - "Oxford Comma": Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Popularity: 89% [?]

I’ve spent I don’t know how many hours at work lately revising a set of reports for a, shall we say, precise (pedantic) client. Every time I send it back to her, she comes back with 9,000 other new little problems that she’s discovered. I’m fairly certain that this is some kind of karmic just dessert for me being a stickler for spelling. This particular client has been my nemesis for several months now and every time I begin to lose it and get a burr in by saddle to tell her exactly what I think, I have to repeat - mantra-like - the customer is always right. The customer is always right. Except when they frickin’ aren’t.

Fortunately for my company, I have little direct interaction with the clients. I swore to myself about ten years ago that I would never work another customer service job and it’s thus far been a promise kept. The promise stems back to June of 1999, when I walked down Between the Hedges in a black polyester gown to pick up a piece of paper declaring me a Bachelor of Science.

It took me a while to finish my Bachelor’s degree, largely because I kept getting kicked out of or quitting various academic institutions. In fact, by the time I finally got my B.S. I was ten years older with five schools in four states under my belt. I had a little trouble with, well, a lot of things.

When, in 1996, I finally made the decision to go back and do it properly, I didn’t go back to college because of any innate desire for knowledge. I went back to college because I began to realize that a life in customer service awaited me if I didn’t.

Now, I intend no offense to the customer service workers out there. If the truth be told, I think that you guys deserve consideration for beatification. Getting up to go to work with a fake smile glued on your face and taking crap from often unpleasant people for eight hours is bad enough. But customer service jobs pay shit, have shit benefits and shit opportunities. I mean moving up the ladder from dishwasher, to bus boy, to waiter to maitre d’ is kind of a dubious career progression. The ridiculous, and essentially criminal, “waiters wage” in the U.S. is just insulting. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the hardest jobs out there are the ones based on servitude - waiter, barrista, store clerk, bank teller, call center worker. I know this to be true because I worked customer service jobs from when I turned 15 in 1986 until I graduated from Georgia in 1999. I sold shoes at a J.C. Penney, I waited tables at a steakhouse, I flogged books at a Books(sic)-A-Million, I took in camera repairs, I made coffee, I poured drinks, I sold fetish gear and temporary tattoos. I did it all and I dealt with endless crap from obnoxious customers for minimum wage at best.

I was a shockingly bad customer servant, primarily because I just don’t like people. My misanthropy manifests itself as a distinct lack of patience for human interaction - a bit of a problem when your job description calls for eight hours of that very thing. I could be OK. Early in my shift or on a good day or on a bad day if the customer happened to be a pretty young thing, I could be charming and pleasant. But as the day wore on and ennui and irritation set in I would become the kind of surly servant that you would expect to find in an über hip Paris bistro rather than a South Carolina steakhouse. I would ignore customers and if they made the mistake of demanding my attention treat them as if I was a member of the British Royal Family rather than some dickhead wearing a “My name is Chris, how can I help you?” name tag. I would intentionally make mistakes on orders and get angry when the customer demanded correction. A lovely lad all around.

Not surprisingly, I got sacked a lot. But I wasn’t qualified to do anything other than customer service. So, when I found myself in Athens, Georgia in the mid-90’s freshly fired from the coffee shop I had worked at for eighteen months, I decided it was time for a change. I had always preferred the arts, but had worked with enough English graduates at the various shops, restaurants and bars that made the mistake of employing me. So, I made a decision to get into a major that offered a chance to get out of the seventh circle of hell that is the customer service industry. Hence, the geneticist that you see before you today.

And, god willing, the words “My name is Chris. How can I help you today?” will never slip through my lips again.

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And now, your daily contest reminder. I need a new tagline and if you can come up with the best, you’ll be the proud owner of a sackful of hot new CDs. Post your tagline as comment here. And please vote on your favorite Anti-Christmas limerick here. I’ll make you a cappucino with a smile.

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Simon and Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water” is available from .

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