I’m a man who doesn’t know how to sell a contradication
I heard Culture Club’s “Karma Chameleon” on the way to the post office today. It was a welcome change from the syrupy Christmas Muzak that the City of Adelaide has decided to pipe into Rundle Mall to inspire that festive spirit and loosen the purse strings. Every time I hear “Karma Chameleon”, I have a little giggle at myself. It’s a musical reminder of my inherent cluelessness.
In the autumn of 1983, Culture Club was red hot. Their sophomore album “Colour By Numbers” had hit number 1 in the UK and “Karma Chameleon” was all over pop radio, even in my backwater part of the U.S. And I loved it. I loved Boy George in all his transvesting glory, loved the band’s soulful synth-pop and the cheesy Margaret Mitchell casted by drag queens video of “Karma Chameleon” that was getting played to death on MTV. I was 13 that year and starting my first year of Junior High School. I was going to a new school and had a new opportunity at the ‘coolness’ that had eluded me up until that point. Some time early in the school year I decided that what I needed to demonstrate the kind of hipster I knew myself to be was to advertise my allegiance to one of the coolest bands on the planet that year.
I managed to find myself an over-sized Culture Club t-shirt somewhere - it certainly wasn’t my hometown, probably Gainesville to the south. It was the must have fashion statement for the discerning teenagers that fall. I was immensely pleased with myself and proudly sported my new shirt (I’m fairly certain that it bore the image at the top of this post) and headed for school on Monday morning.
Even if you’re as much as a social misfit as I was then, you probably can guess what happened. The thing that I missed, the obvious thing that I missed, was that the over-sized Culture Club t-shirt was the must have fashion item for the discerning teenage girl in the Fall of ‘83. You see, in my little town near the asshole of Florida, only girls and ‘homos’ liked Culture Club. When I got off the bus, I was cornered and asked to declare which of these I, in fact, was. That, gentle readers, is a tough question to answer when you’re 13*.
The thing is, I sometimes still feel like I’ve just gotten off the school bus in an over-sized Boy George t-shirt. Walking back from lunch today, iPod turned up loud to try to drown out the sound of “Silent Night”, seemingly the only person headed west in a tide of people headed east, I felt just like I did at 13. But the difference today is that I just don’t care whether anyone laughs at me. I just wish they would turn off that damn Christmas muzak.
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* If you find yourself in a similar situation, the correct answer is not one that I tried a couple of years later: “Yes, I am a homo and so are you. We’re both Homo sapiens.” That answer is as likely as not to get you a sock in the kisser. Trust me.
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If you must, “Colour By Numbers” is available from 
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Popularity: 55% [?]
It was sorta the same way with Duran Duran. No dude could ever admit to digging those blokes . . .
Boy George always freaked me out, until I saw him in an episode of The A-Team. He kicked ass . . .
05 Dec 2008 at 3:23 pm
Hot tip for ya. They would have cornered you and called you a homo without the shirt. Eventually.
Unless you call other guys a fag, you’ll get called one. Fact of male life.
Maybe by the time Z is in school, all this gay trash talk will be a memory. But I doubt it.
05 Dec 2008 at 3:26 pm
Tysdaddy - I loved Duran Duran. I mean loved them.
Headbang - I know. But there’s no sense making yourself an easy target.
05 Dec 2008 at 3:45 pm
I loved Karma Chameleon and I think that you were cool at 13.
05 Dec 2008 at 3:52 pm
I had a similar moment when I turned up to our Grade 6 disco not long after we’d moved into the town, wearing a long denim skirt with Blundstones. I didn’t have any dressy shoes, and my fellow students weren’t at all kind. I still cringe when I think of it - it’s amazing how vivid those memories are that involve embarrassment and mortification!
Really enjoyed your story though Chris.
05 Dec 2008 at 4:33 pm
No. You didnt. Homo sapiens. Hahahahaha you deserved a smack! Anyways… I was born in 1983. But I did sit behind boy george in the Oxford Union in a debate on whether people were born homosexual or developed later (eg. choice or inherent).
When i saw the title of the post I thought it might be in reference to the Idlewild song “Wooden ideas” but it isn’t, is it. If you don’t know it check it out.
I bet you don’t know how to spell contradiction
I bet you don’t know how to sell conviction
05 Dec 2008 at 7:05 pm
Oh my gosh, The A Team! Boy George! Duran Duran! What a walk down memory lane! Where are my platic neon bracelets, Michael Jackson glove, gigantic belts, and Aqua Net??
Awesome for a Friday.
05 Dec 2008 at 9:23 pm
The Baby Angel thinks you are the coolest, coolness of cool that cools the planet. I will not disillusion her with stories of ‘Culture Club’ (spoken with a shiver of revulsion). Ya see I was 22 when they emerged, dampened, from the cocoon and spread their brightly coloured, butterfly wings. So to speak. Suffice to say they were kid-pop to us grown-ups.
I did enjoy George’s interview with Norman Gunston however.
Norman: So, ah, Mr Boy is it?
George: No just Boy.
Norman: oh it’s your first name is it?
George: It’s not my first name, or my last name. It’s my
gender.
And when asked whether you are girl or homo…just reply
“will this take long?” You’re about to get you ass kicked no matter what.
05 Dec 2008 at 10:26 pm
i was at a christmas decoration store with my husband the other day and i started singing this song while shaking out some red, gold, and green tinsel (bear with me here). when i got to the “come and go” part of the song i was appalled, because of course now i think it is a sexual reference that i totally missed my whole entire life.
06 Dec 2008 at 12:51 am
I requested “Karma Chameleon” and “Another One Bites the Dust” at my aunt and uncle’s wedding reception. They were my favorite songs. I was 5, I think.
06 Dec 2008 at 1:14 am
This reminds me of my days tight-rolling my jeans in middle school…le yikes.
06 Dec 2008 at 1:51 am
Boy George was in an episode of the A-Team? How have I missed that?!
I can only imagine him sharing the screen with Mr. T, the only other pop-culture icon who can rival him for shiny, bangly adornments and one-of-a-kind style. I must find this on YouTube, post-haste.
06 Dec 2008 at 1:57 am
I wouldn’t be 13 again for all the tea in China. I went from public to private school that year and every single thing I did was wrong until spring break at least. And if you think 13-year-old boys are mean…you ain’t seen nothing. They’re kittens compared to girls.
06 Dec 2008 at 2:56 am
I can’t believe Boy George ever steered you wrong. As you know, I loved him, but in my defense, I was 3.
I’m going to have to track down that A-Team episode.
06 Dec 2008 at 4:16 am
Oh, you’re good at selling a contradiction Free Man. It’s just a matter of getting to the age that being “seemingly the only person heading west in a tide of people heading east” is the only time everything feels just riiiiiiiight.
P.S. Here in Franklin is right. 13 year old boys have nothing on 13 year old girls. I think that’s why I may have taken up fist fighting at such a young age.
06 Dec 2008 at 4:22 am
The difference now, is that if someone wanted to kick your ass for wearing that shirt you’d actually stand a chance at winning that fight.
I saw Boy George at Chastain a few years ago. The concert was Boy George, Howard Jones and Human League. I have never seen more men drink beer out of bottles with a straw than that afternoon. It was heavenly.
06 Dec 2008 at 4:40 am
Times like this I really, really, REALLY wish I had Photoshop.
06 Dec 2008 at 4:52 am
Okay, I like Duran Duran. But I never liked Culture Club. You never were in the right with that one.
06 Dec 2008 at 5:52 am
Facts:
1 - I’ve always loved Karma Chameleon (and Boy George has a later track, late 90’s, that I heard once and loved but now can’t find)
2 - His real name is George O’Dowd.
3 - He was today found guilty of falsely imprisoning a rent boy.
06 Dec 2008 at 6:01 am
Heather - I really wasn’t. Not even in that geek chic kind of way. Just clueless.
Agnes - I had to Google Blundstones but am glad I did - I gt the picture.
SSG - So, Idlewild was ripping of Culture Club. No respect for them anymore. I mean, if you’re going to rip someone off at least rip off someone good.
Angel - Ah, the 80’s. May the never return.
Ariza - So, like Boy George, I have a fan base among 13 year old girls. Cool! Love that interview. “It’s my gender…”
Lora - DO you think it’s a sexual reference?
Red, gold and green does the same thing to me.
Nichole - Yeah, yeah, yeah you’re young…
Nathan - What’s tight rolling (in terms of jeans)?
Mickey - I’m not sure about this reference. Tysdaddy could be leading us astray. You’re right, though, he could only share time with Mr. T.
HIF - Hey, I won’t have you slurring my fan base!
Courtney - I can’t really blame Boy George for being a fashion victim.
Mongola - I don’t mind it unless they’re walking 6 abreast.
NATUI - That made me laugh out loud at 6 a.m., which is no small feat.
Maggie - And it’s times like these that I’m glad you don’t.
Muskrat - Like there was really a difference.
Xbox - Poor George. Or more appropriately, his poor sex slave
06 Dec 2008 at 7:35 am
hahaha! Funny story!
06 Dec 2008 at 7:00 pm
They should have instantly known you were not a girl for the sheer balls required to wear that shirt on your first day at a new school. In fact, that should have made you the coolest kid in school.
07 Dec 2008 at 3:05 am
I always found the Homo sapiens retort a 50/50 toss up on getting a pounding or a laugh.
07 Dec 2008 at 3:31 am
Great post - so funny! You only find out how overrated being “cool” is way too late for it to matter.
My brother told me once that he wished he had realized in high school that many of the people who had it so together/were so popular/etc. were at their peak in life and that was pretty much it for them.
It’s true that when I went to my 20 year reunion the boundaries between the popular people and the rest of everyone was much fuzzier. And while there were people there who were unhappy in high school and were still unhappy twenty hears later, I don’t think a stranger could have pointed out who had been popular and who wasn’t twenty years later.
08 Dec 2008 at 1:00 am
I believe I heard recently that Boy pled guilty to false imprisonment. His rent boy tried to meddle with his computer, so he chained him.
Misunderstandings happen.
08 Dec 2008 at 1:08 am
I meant to say that my brother used to make good use of that homo sapien thing in elementary. Except he went on the offensive with it, accusing his tormentors of being homo sapiens and enjoying their frantic denial.
08 Dec 2008 at 5:31 am
I pretty much hated Culture Club when they were at their peak. Mostly from the overexposure, I suppose (su-su-sudio, my ass!), but also because in my world, having been raised on Rolling Stones/Bob Dylan/Eric Clapton/The Who/Grateful Dead/Stevie Ray/Pink Floyd, they just weren’t cool.
But now, I have to admit, Karma Chameleon not only sets my toe a-tappin’, but it’s even gained a spot on my ipod…
08 Dec 2008 at 6:53 am
Carrie - Thanks.
Bluestreak - It didn’t really work that way back in the 80’s. It was all about conformity.
Trooper - 70/30, I reckon.
Jill - My twenty year reunion is coming up, but I can’t imagine anything I would like to do less!
Kathy F - That’s fantastic!
Jill - I never tried it that way, sounds like a good idea.
Alice - They really weren’t cool. Ever.
08 Dec 2008 at 8:11 am
Oh my twenty year reunion was PERFECT, because my brother was getting married that day! So I got to swing by and say hello to people, get a quick catch up and then leave before I got caught up in any awkwardness. THE very best way to attend a reunion is to have a sibling get married the same day!
08 Dec 2008 at 10:35 am
Hey!!! I’m not a baby!! And I only think AFM is cool when he sends me cds and such!
08 Dec 2008 at 9:04 pm
I loved that album. Which just proves your point.
09 Dec 2008 at 4:28 am
Jill - I still don’t want to go to mine!
Angel - Who called you a baby? What do you mean I’m only cool when sending you schwag?
Gypsy - Yep, perfectly.
09 Dec 2008 at 9:57 am