Get your mind out of the gutter, you pederasts, this is about kids and Christmas and stuff. I had a vivid preview of my future as a parent (and no doubt decline into penury) this weekend. While wandering around Adelaide’s South Australian Museum, Boy Z found these plastic penguins (definitely penguins, Runs Deep) with which he immediately became fascinated. That fascination turned to awe when I discovered a coin slot soliciting donations to the museum triggered the birds to say “thank you” in penguinese (here’s what it sounds like). In a period of about two minutes Boy Z’s friend’s Dad and I probably sunk about five dollars in that slot to watch our boys faces light up and their little brains try to process this new sensory phenomenon.

I had always heard that kids were going to suck up money like a whirlpool, but up until Saturday I didn’t understand why. In socialist Britain and slightly less socialist Australia, Boy Z hasn’t really cost us that much in maintenance to date, in fact with various child benefits I reckon we’ve probably broken even. Now, however, I see where the money goes – into various machines designed to make your kids smile. It starts innocently enough with talking penguins and then accelerates down the slippery slope to insolvency.

Of course, that smile is priceless.

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Now as for blowing, Christmas blows. I’m trying hard to find my Christmas spirit, this is not a willful decision to be a grinch. I’m just not feeling any festive cheer. This weekend I used a few tried and true methods to find my inner elf. I have:

1. Eaten one mince pie.
2. Watched a crappy holiday film.*
3. Started voluntarily listening to my favorite Christmas music on my iPod.
4. Purchased a Christmas present.
5. Got pulled for a random breathalyzer test on the way out of town at 10:00 on Sunday morning.

But, alas, no stirrings of that elusive Christmas spirit.  I also brought home a Christmas coloring picture for Boy Z from the Woolworth’s. Apparently, if his is the best in his age group, he can win some sort of prize. I just want to take this opportunity to say to Woolworth’s that I’m not terribly thrilled with their supermarket and am considering switching to Coles’ for our hefty weekly shop. Now Woolworth’s judges, I can still be swayed – pick my boy’s coloring and I’ll remain a loyal customer. I mean, it’s not that much of a stretch, just look – it’s genius. I can’t actually remember what the prize is but as I said to Dr. O’C, the prize doesn’t matter it’s the winning that counts.

Speaking of winning, just a reminder about the limerick contest that I announced yesterday. Give me your best anti-Christmas limerick for a chance to win a couple of CDs as well as some tacky Aussie miscellany. It’s the first of (hopefully) a few contests this month, so if you’re not a poet standby for more to come.

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And finally, in my ongoing quest to find some Christmas spirit, I’m going to start posting my favorite Christmas tracks. Today, one of my favorites – Portland’s The Decemberists covering “Please, Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas”. I’m not sure who did it originally, but Colin Melloy gives the country Christmas classic just the right amount of cheek. The EP “Connect Set” is available from The Decemberists - Connect Set: The Decemberists - EP.

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* For reasons that I don’t understand, this movie is called “Four Holidays” in Australia rather than “Four Christmases”.

 
icon for podpress  The Decemberists - "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)" [3:27m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

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