Wish in one hand…

25 Feb 2009 at 17:18

A Free Man

…shit in the other.
See which one fills up first.

I love that expression, I’ve always claimed that I heard it a lot growing up in north Florida, but I’m pretty sure that I actually read it first in a Harry Crews novel. Dr. O’C loves it as well. Just ask her. As apparently does Green Day.

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. There is a trend these days to claim that you were an outcast in high school – a geek, a nerd, a loser. At some point in the last decade or so it became hip to be square – I blame the internet. And now everyone, even the prom queens and starting quarterbacks, remember themselves as awkward dweebs back in their teens.

Now, I’ve claimed in the past that I was a textbook nerd in high school, that I had no social skills, that I was more comfortable in the public library than the party pit. And I’m sure some of you have seen the thirtysomething, confident and composed A Free Man of today and thought that I was exaggerating. That I was proving my present coolness by claiming past lameness. Well, gentle readers, I have evidence to support my claims of an adolescence that, if it were a movie, would have featured Anthony Michael Hall (circa 1984) in a leading role. Behold, A Free Man’s junior prom…

prom2

prom

I’m the one in the white tux with royal blue tie and cummerbund and the cringe-worthy ’stache. That’s my date on the far left in the second photo. For those of you saying, “Well at least you could get a date, you couldn’t have been that much of a loser”, have a look at her expression. Does she appear to be having a good time to you?

Case closed.

—————————-

These photos were posted, unbeknownst to me, on the website of my old high school AP history teacher, one of the only ones I remember with any clarity from high school. He used to start classes by reading excerpts from Paul Harvey’s “The Rest of the Story”. Apparently he also hosted a party on prom night, but I have no recollection of that other than these photos.

Green Day’s “Insomniac” is available from Amazon.

Green Day - "Geek Stink Breath" [2:16m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

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31 Comments

by JChevais

25 Feb 2009 at 20:01

We need more of these. I’m considering starting a high school year book meme….
by Hezamarie

25 Feb 2009 at 20:08

Do we really need more of these? I see photos like these of my own awkward years popping up in FB. There were several reasons I left those photos in Florida.

Hezamaries last blog post..Wallet Crisis, Don’t ask me to change
by SSG

25 Feb 2009 at 20:22

hahhahahahhahhahhahha
hahahahahaaaaahhhhaaaahhhaaa
hehehhehehehehehhehehehehehh
hahhahahahhahahahahha
haaaHHAHhahhahHAHHAHHAHh
hahehheehhahhahhehHHAHAHHEHHEHHSH
HAHHHDHHEHHSHHHEHHHSHHEHHSSHHEHHHS
HAHHHDHHHHEHHAHHHA
HSHHEHHA
HAHHEHHHSHHHAHHHE
HA
HA
HA

SSGs last blog post..MrC’s Music Meltdown: Gigs
by SSG

25 Feb 2009 at 20:26

the 80s were bad.
http://www.mistermont.com/memories/images/stories/1980/1/15.jpg
were you only allowed checked or striped tops?
people look better in the photos from the 60s and 70s, so dont feel bad.

that tache though… and the girl-stare…. and the hair cut… and the suit….
HAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAA

just a little bit amusing, you know.
bravo for posting, you made my day
by SSG

25 Feb 2009 at 20:28

but what about the 90s here:
http://www.mistermont.com/memories/images/stories/1990/17/Untitled-3.jpg
is that guy on the left a giant or a superimposed freak?

loving this website
by Florida Girl In Sydney

25 Feb 2009 at 21:10

That’s one sweetass tux.

Florida Girl In Sydneys last blog post..Jesus Rocks the House
by arizaphale

25 Feb 2009 at 22:02

You’re the one in the white tux…..?!!!! Are you kidding me? I’ve never seen so many white tuxs in my life! Not even at the bridal hire store when I frequented it in 1992! What, did you guys get some sort of bulk hire deal????????????? Geez there’s even one in TAILS for Gawdsake! That much white gabardine should come with a health warning!!!!!

But the really nice touch is the blue rose. Now I can’t laugh too much about this because I had one too. And to prove I am not mean spirited I will post evidence.

PS: SSG gets the Academy Award for Most Creative Use of Online Laughing.

arizaphales last blog post..Another Public service Announcement
by tysdaddy

25 Feb 2009 at 22:31

I had a similar experience. I went with a friend . . . big mistake. Things should have just stayed at the friendship level, for expectations and potential for heartbreak are at their apex during prom season. We danced together . . . maybe two times. The next day, a bunch of us went to an amusement park. I have a classic picture, us together, her leaning way far away from me, looking like if she were forced to smile one more time, she’d kill something.

We’re still friends today, more than 20 years later, but that night almost ruined us.

tysdaddys last blog post..Not What Was Intended
by Prefers Her Fantasy Life

25 Feb 2009 at 23:48

Your date’s expression made me laugh out loud–and I rarely do that. Except when I’m drunk. OK. So maybe it isn’t so rare.

Anyway….

I have to admit I wasn’t a nerd in high school. I was very hip, very cool. A Social Freak. I was in student council and on the newspaper staff, but I partied and often skipped school to stand in line to get concert tickets (in Detroit which is an hour away).

For my prom I wore a gauzy, embroidered hippie dress.

Sadly, I haven’t changed much.

But you have. You’ve very cool now.

Prefers Her Fantasy Lifes last blog post..Thank You Mr. Liberal Unitarian English Teacher of My Tenth Grader
by Coal Miner's Granddaughter

26 Feb 2009 at 00:42

Oh, damn hon. I’m laughing so hard I think I’ve shaken my Mac apart.

Awesome flashback, hon!

Coal Miner’s Granddaughters last blog post..Kitchen Porn
by The Unbearable Banishment

26 Feb 2009 at 00:56

I’ve got you beat in High School loserdom. Not only did I NOT attend my junior prom, but I didn’t attend my senior prom, either! Nobody to go with! And I didn’t have the advantage of your book smarts. I just walked around in a marijuana-induced haze for three years. I didn’t have sex until I was 19.

I’m happy to report that I’ve made a splendid recovery, though.

A Harry Crews shout-out?! Not only have you been raiding my CD’s but apparently you’ve also been fumbling around in my bookcase, too.

The Unbearable Banishments last blog post..anti-climax (don’t you hate those?)
by Tom

26 Feb 2009 at 01:28

The interesting thing isn’t the clothes, its the food. Doughnuts and watermelons?
by Jessica K

26 Feb 2009 at 01:58

Not only did I never attend a high school prom, I never even went to a dance. Period. I was a doped-up little hippie/skater/whatever I felt like that day, in a high school packed full of polos and designer jeans! I chose my loserdom, but I was a loser just the same! I belonged only to Art club, and art was the only thing that got me through the school day (I took three periods of it, two years in a row). I wasn’t a nerd in the glasses and pocket-protector sense, but I was most definitely a social misfit!

I have prom pics of my brother in a black tux, blue tie and ‘bun, but with a mullet that would bring a tear to Dog the Bounty Hunter’s eye!

Jessica Ks last blog post..Books of the Moment
by Teri

26 Feb 2009 at 02:35

Funny pictures. We probably all have some good ones. Those are good!
by aish

26 Feb 2009 at 02:50

holy shit !”!!!!!!!
that was a bit of a surprise !!!!!! looks like you getg better with age chris
by mickey

26 Feb 2009 at 03:12

Bold. The ’stache, I mean. And you for posting the photos.

mickeys last blog post..Interview 2009: Part Two, Mofos
by SouthernInsanity

26 Feb 2009 at 04:15

That’s a bit strange – to me, at least – for a teacher to post pictures like that.
by Gypsy

26 Feb 2009 at 04:48

I see this sort of street cred angling all the time, too. The whole I was country when country wasn’t cool but with geeks. And it disturbs me because I can’t claim that, you know? I wasn’t a geek or a nerd or anything. I was just hanging out there in the middle.

Also, Krispy Kreme? For prom? Classy.

Also also, I love Harry Crews. Feast of Snakes was awesomely disturbing.

Gypsys last blog post..My memory is fading, but I remember his dick
by courtney

26 Feb 2009 at 05:34

Hee! Nice crustache!

I think I sense a prom picture post trend about to sweep the Internet…

courtneys last blog post..A Very Malfeasance Oscar Night
by Andrea

26 Feb 2009 at 06:11

I had no troubles imagining you as a geek in high school but thanks for the photographic proof!

I also noticed the incredible selection of doughnuts available. It’s a miracle everyone was so thin… And there’s Chris with a bowl of fruit. Hmmmmm…
by Nichole

26 Feb 2009 at 06:53

I didn’t even notice the doughnuts until I read the comments! That’s spectacular. I didn’t go to prom, either. I’m seriously considering having a prom party to make up for that. And you can bet that if I do, There Will Be Doughnuts.

Nicholes last blog post..Dental safari
by muskrat

26 Feb 2009 at 06:59

Wow. Okay, you were a total TOOL. I agree with that being the “cool” thing to claim when one is 30-something right now. I, however, will freely admit to being a cool son of a bitch in highschool. Why be pretentious? I was totally Andrew in “The Breakfast Club,” only I never kissed a basketcase or went to detention in my daddy’s pickup truck. Fuck that.
by muskrat

26 Feb 2009 at 07:00

That’s supposed to say, “I agree that being a dork is the ‘cool’ thing to claim…”

muskrats last blog post..friday confessional for february 20: i totally pissed in your kool-aid
by admin

26 Feb 2009 at 08:18

JChev/Heza – I don’t know if we need more of these or not, it’s certainly self-effacing.

SSG – Are you high again?

FGIS – I wish I would have bought it rather than renting.

Ariza – I was actually admiring the one with tails. I totally should have went with that one. I don’t know why we were all wearing white tuxes – must have been the in thing that year. Either that or they had already rented out all the black ones.

Tys – I don’t actually remember my date’s name. I think it was Angel or Angela or something, but I could be wrong. I do remember that I was supposed to go with someone else but my friend’s convinced me she was too trashy to take to prom. I may have been a geek, but I was still a snob and a weak-willed one at that. I should have gone with the first girl, because she was the first girl that I got to third base with – the only girl I had gotten to any base with if I recall correctly. Prom probably would have been a lot more fun.

Prefers – Not really that cool now, actually. But thanks. Looking at that photo, the guy to the right of the frame seems very interested in my date, I wonder if she’s pissed because she realized she went with the wrong guy.

CMGD – Careful with that Mac – a true geek toy…

TUB – I love me some Harry Crews – best writer Florida’s ever produced. Carl Hiassen’s made a damn fine living ripping of Crews.

Tom – It was the South. What do you expect – foie gras? Antipasti?

JK – I think it’s the same thing really, an outcast is an outcast.

Teri – Thanks.

Aish – That’s questionable, really.

Mickey – The stache paired with a pink Polo shirt was really bold.

SIS – Yeah, I thought that too for a while. But I think it’s a generational thing. Mr. Mont has got to be pushing seventy and I think he probably just thinks of the site as a ‘brag book’. No darker motives – he’s a straight up guy.

Gypsy – Scarlover is my favorite. There’s never been a more accurate book about Jacksonville.

Malfeasance – ‘Crustache’ is good. I like that one.

Nichole – We were a classy lot. Can I come to your prom party?

Muskrat – Yeah, I could have guessed that. I was Brian. Total Brian. My name really should be Brian. I even used the girl from Canada story on multiple occasions since we used to go to Canada to visit family every summer.
by SSG

26 Feb 2009 at 10:16

I’d vote for Colin. Is Brian like an American Colin?

Am I high? Have you taken many drugs to dull the memory of that white tux palooza into obscurity?
You should so make it your FB picture. Or grow some sort of dodgy tash again. Infact, did you ever try to grow a tash again? pictures please.

I’m writing on your blog as procrastination from writing on my own.

SSGs last blog post..MrC’s Music Meltdown: Gigs
by Joe

26 Feb 2009 at 14:42

It’s hard to type while laughing….. I’m going to have to post a high school picture or two so you can see you weren’t alone… Luckily, I knew I wouldn’t be able to grow a mustache, or any facial hair for that matter. Looks like you thought you’d fare better with it.

Joes last blog post..The Somnambulistic Son
by we_be_toys

27 Feb 2009 at 04:31

LOL – those are some pretty incriminating photos! So what Is up your date’s butt, that she would look so pissed?

Ever think of growing out the “stache” now that it would be more substantial?

we_be_toyss last blog post..Hindsight Doesn’t Amount to a Hill of Beans
by admin

27 Feb 2009 at 08:49

SSG – I was tempted to put it up as my Facebook picture, but there are too many people stalking me from high school and they may think that, like them, I’ve not changed since H.S.

Joe – I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. Actually, I was probably thinking it made me look old enough to buy beer.

WBT – I used to grow a beard every winter, but have stopped the last couple of years. They do something called Movember these days in which men grow staches in November to show support for prostate cancer research. I may do that this year.
by sarala

01 Mar 2009 at 02:53

I’m older than you–my year book photos are from the 70’s. Thank heaven I have no prom photos. I would have been like the miserable girl you went with–looking like I hated the whole occasion. I treated my date like dirt too if memory serves me well. Poor guy.
I was a textbook geek. I can even probably find you witnesses to prove it was true and not just me trying to jump on the former geek bandwagon. I’ve mellowed a little with age but probably still qualify as a geek.

saralas last blog post..Blue Skies and Time to Wash
by Jacob

17 Mar 2009 at 05:45

Ha! I got you beat. I didn’t go to the prom either year. My senior year we went to a friends house to supposedly play Dungeons and Dragons. I wasn’t really that much into the game, but most of my friends were so I always played along.

The only problem is that we had a bunch of people who didn’t normally play, so we ended up just hanging out and after a couple of hours going to someone else’s house, getting drunk (my first time) and driving to the beach after sobering up at Huddle House.

Honestly, I think I had a better time not going to Prom than i would have going.
by Creatively Boundless

11 Apr 2009 at 04:19

Green Day is good
http://creativelyboundless.wordpress.com/2009/03/29/great-expectations/

Creatively Boundlesss last blog post..I Think Craig Finn Was Drunk That Night: A Positive Rage – Ari Schuman