An open letter to a stay-at-home-Mum

This one may not go down well, considering the demographics of my readership.

As a general rule, I try to avoid getting sucked into comment stream dramas – mostly because I have better things to do with life. In most cases, I don’t even go back to a post after I’ve left a comment, just in case I’ve inadvertantly started something.

I should stick with that rule.

Dr. O’C is fully responsible for this one. Be forewarned – I’ve got no music no, cute pictures for this one – just a pretty heated rant. If you’re looking for shiny and happy on this Friday it may be best to move on…

A couple of days ago, I read a post on a friend’s blog. I don’t want to name the blog, I don’t want to suck her into this rant. She was writing about the tough time she was having finding a day care for her little girl. I’ve been there and was trying to make a friend feel better about a tough parental transition, so I said:

I don’t agree with Free Man. There are sacrifices you have to make for your children to be with you but living on one income is certainly possible! (Husband) is in the Army and doesn’t make that much and we live VERY comfortably! I am at home with our three children everyday. I feel bad for people who REALLY can’t do the SAHM thing but there are a lot of families out there that could if they cut back on expenses and prioritized their lives.
I am sure (Blogger) would have preferred to wait until she was out of (City) to have (her baby) but because of her health situation decided to have her while she was still able. Unfortunately (her baby) will be missing her Mommy during the first 2 years of her life but maybe you can come home to be with her full time when you get out of that expensive place! At least its just 3 days a week.
I worked at a day care for a month and HATED it. Watching the kids scream and cry and constantly ask where their mommy and daddy were was just heartbreaking and watching the parents disappointment when the child WOULDN’T respond when they were leaving was sad too. Even when we distracted the child long enough for the parents to leave, they would cry their eyeballs out at some point during the day wondering why mommy and daddy left them there.

And I have to disagree with you on the socialization thing. Babies don’t need other babies or people, she needs YOU (Blogger)! I wish you were able to put that career thing aside for her.

oh and free man, My kids have everything they need, over abundance of clothing, toys, friends, food, parents, pets, and even college paid for so I am not sure what else a child could NEED. And even if they didn’t have the college thing, I think paying your own way through college certainly builds better character and you have more to be proud of and appreciate if you get yourself through it.

Right. I’ve been watching the whole series of The Sopranos over again, so when Dr. O’C read this to me, my immediate response was a suggestion that this person engage in a type of auto-erotic behavior that’s technically impossible.

And I really wanted to leave it alone.

But, you know what, I’m not going to.

First of all, if you’re a stay at home parent, I’ve got the utmost respect for you. That’s fantastic and I hope you’re finding it rewarding both for yourself and your children. Honestly – goodonya. I want it to be clear – I do not have a problem with stay-at-home parents in general. Just this one.

Some people don’t want to put their lives on hold for five or more years (assuming you start work after the kids go to school). Some people don’t want to put the ‘career thing’ aside for their kids. This particular blogger, like myself and Dr. O’C, spent close to a decade in tertiary education and we didn’t do this much education to drop out of the workplace as soon as we bred. We believe that you can balance parenting and a career.

Does that make us bad parents?

Speaking for myself and Dr. O’C, we’ve worked hard to integrate our roles as parents and providers. Dr. O’C stayed home with Boy Z for nearly his whole first year – longer than anticipated. She breastfed for nine months. We worked very hard to find a good daycare for him. We arrange our schedules so that Zach spends as little time as possible each day in day care, at the expense of time spent together. I work odd hours and weekends and from home to make sure he’s at home with me for at least one weekday on top of the weekends. I value virtually every moment I’ve got with my son.

Does that make us bad parents?

It’s not about expensive toys – don’t be stupid. We’re not spending money like drunken Republicans. We’ve emigrated around the world and need the income to afford to buy a house in which to raise our children, but it’s not even about money. When I say that it isn’t the 1950’s I mean that the black and white, soft focus Cleaver clan isn’t the norm these days. Gender roles have changed. Women often want more out of life than staying at home baking cookies and popping valium. Both Dr. O’C and I are professional people. We’re well educated people. We want the best for our kids just the same as anyone else does. But I believe that children who are raised by a healthy and happy couple are more likely to be healthy and happy. Neither Dr. O’C nor I would be healthy and happy if we gave up careers that we busted our asses for to stay home with kids. Our kids will be raised in a household that values education, hard work and happiness and will know that the three are not mutually exclusive.

Does that make us bad parents?

Children are not the center of the universe. In fact, giving a child the impression that the world revolves around him or her is very possibly the best way to create a spoiled little monster. Kids need perspective on the world, they need to learn about how to socialize with their peers and people other than their parents. Day care affords them this opportunity. I’ve seen it in Boy Z. When he started day care he was petrified of anyone who wasn’t me or Dr. O’C. In the time he’s spent in day care, he’s developing into a much more outgoing child. Now, I’m sure that kids that stay at home do just fine, but I’m equally sure that kids who go to daycare do just fine.

Does that make me a bad parent?

But what annoyed me the most about this is the arrogance of this commentator. She worked in a day care center for a month and thus is an expert on children in day care? She feels bad for people who can’t do the stay at home parent thing? She’s sure that my friend’s kid will be missing her Mommy? What about her Daddy? Won’t she miss her Daddy? She hopes that my friend puts the career-thing aside? She knows how my friend’s child – how my child- is going to respond to day care? Does she get some kind of thrill by trolling around the internet making people feel like bad parents?

Despite my occasional wringing of hands and fears of inadequacies I know that I’m a good dad. I’m a damn good dad. Dr. O’C is a damn good mum. We work hard to make sure our son is happy, healthy and well-adjusted. And we’re doing a damn good job at it – day care or no day care.

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