Put it away and check out for the day (v.3)

30 Jun 2009 at 13:14

A Free Man

hiding OK. Let’s try this one more time. I’ve written this damn post three times and published it and unpublished it twice. Apparently when you publish things on the internet and then unpublish them, they don’t go away permanently. This both annoys me and freaks me out. Depending on which version of this post you’re reading you either think I’m losing it entirely or just a dick and now those of you who follow me on Google Reader have discovered that I’m insane. Super.

The irony of me as a blogger is that I’m a fiercely private person. I do not like people to know things about me, to know what is going on in my head. I keep friends and even family (especially family) at arm’s length, plucking tidbits of information like ripe fruit for their consumption and keeping the rest at arms length. This has always been the case, since I was a child I’ve been keeping people out – going so far sometimes as to construct elaborate falsehoods to keep them off of my scent.

Privacy is precious. So, what the hell am I doing publishing my life on the internet for anyone with a phone line to read?

The answer is that A Free Man is, in large part, a fictional character – a Gatsby-esque construct of things embellished and things left unsaid. You read what I want you to read about me – the good things, the mildly amusing, the minor foibles. I still control how much of myself I reveal. The rest, I keep back. Keep to myself or a close confidant or two.

The portrait I paint is not always an accurate reflection of reality. All this handwringing is because right now, there is something going on for me and I’m not going to talk to y’all about it. I’ve struggled with what I want to say today and have made a big damn mess of this post. This post was originally published in a different form, a form that gave some folks cause for concern. I clearly misunderestimated the impact of a post like this. I guess one can’t pop up, say “Here I am, look at me!”, followed immediately by “Leave me alone, don’t ask me questions. Everything is fine. Really.”

So what to do? I don’t know. I think I may go over to my pseudonymous corner of the internet and be quiet for a little while.

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26 Comments

by Mooselet

30 Jun 2009 at 14:20

Whatever it is, I hope you work through it and come out the other side in one piece and sane.

I sometimes put stuff out on my blog that I wouldn’t reveal in a conversation because it’s easier for me to write it than speak it. It also helps that a lot of people who read my blog wouldn’t know me if I walked pass them on the street – that makes it easier on some level.

Good luck with your personal demons – just kick them in the ass like they deserve.
Mooselet´s last blog ..To Dream of Riches
by tysdaddy

30 Jun 2009 at 14:23

It’s cool. Some things are just that personal. I wish for you someone to confide in, just in case it’s all too much to bear . . .
tysdaddy´s last blog ..Buoyant
by People in the Sun

30 Jun 2009 at 15:22

Man… I started reading and I had a funny comment, but then I continued and realized you were serious. I hope things work out, is all I can say.
People in the Sun´s last blog ..This post should have been about my torture device
by Jacob

30 Jun 2009 at 23:24

You, sir, are a jerk face. You can’t say there’s something really juicy to tell but you won’t tell it. That’s like a woman taking off all of her clothes in front of you, telling you she’s really good at something in bed but she’ll never show you.

But I understand what you mean. I’ve been really private, especially with my family, since I was a little kid. I think the only person who I don’t hold back with is my wife. I hope whatever it is that’s troubling you is resolved for the best quickly.
by Gwen Jackson

01 Jul 2009 at 01:34

You’ve captured very elegantly the truth of what is that we do here on our blogs. We only reveal the things about ourselves that we want or need people to know. I struggle with wanting to express myself and be accurate about what’s going on with me and not wanting to worry people. If I’m feeling suicidal, I say so. But this brings on a wave of worry and concern from others. And I push it away to a certain extent. It’s like I want to be heard and understood but I feel silly when people worry about me. I used to be a very private person, like you describe. But it got me nowhere. There’s something inside of me that wants to be fully known before I die. I sincerely hope that you are OK. I will always have a listening ear if you need it, either on your blog or in private email.
Gwen Jackson´s last blog ..Punch You in The Facebook
by Angel

01 Jul 2009 at 01:35

I’m totally glad I missed your first attempts at this post because I would have probably been one of those people terribly confused or worried or whatever mood you did not want to convey. Sometimes you really do just have to say “fuck it” and step back. Whatever works for you, dude.
Angel´s last blog ..Catching Up
by JChevais

01 Jul 2009 at 02:54

Keep well, friend.
JChevais´s last blog ..New Work Monday #22
by Mongoliangirl

01 Jul 2009 at 03:01

Sometimes it takes me several times to figure out what, exactly, I’m comfortable sharing with each person and in each forum. You’ll figure it out, AFM. I’m confident.
In the meantime, know you are supported and believed in.
Mongoliangirl´s last blog ..Phoenetically Speaking
by rassles

01 Jul 2009 at 04:37

There are many, many, many things I don’t talk about on my blog. And I won’t, because they’re mine, and sometimes I don’t like sharing my things. I don’t want advice, I don’t want the therapy of strangers telling me things I already know, over and over and over again. Because it will piss me off.

So you do what you need to do, and then you know, like, come back and hang out, and show us whatever you feel like showing us.
rassles´s last blog ..Tell Me Something New
by Coal Miner's Granddaughter

01 Jul 2009 at 05:00

See, that’s the thing. This is YOUR blog. Yours. Not mine. No one elses. All you. And you tell us what you want. And that’s just okey-dokey with me.

No worries, hon. None at all. Tell us what you want, when you want. As long as you don’t accompany it with a Vegamite (sp?) sandwich, I’m cool.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Patriotic Spam
by ZenMom

01 Jul 2009 at 06:36

I’m told that I suffer from a deplorable lack of curiosity. But, I think that I really just have a very clear sense of boundaries. And a reluctance to cross the important ones. This is one of those.

I understand the seemingly contradictory private-in-public thing.

But, I do want to point out that IF you did decide to share your private “something”, you might be pleasantly surprised by the positive, supportive response of people who’ve never even met.

That said, I certainly don’t think you owe anyone out here on the big ol’ internets any sort of explanation or excuse for what you choose to share – or not to share.

I wish you all the best as you deal with this.
ZenMom´s last blog ..Fun with Google
by Xbox4NappyRash

01 Jul 2009 at 06:53

Good description of yourself ‘here’.

I wonder myself a lot how people would take to the real me, the other 90% I don’t talk about, the bits that don’t portray me as this sensitive romantic self-deprecating rarity.

Take care of yourselves.
Xbox4NappyRash´s last blog ..Give us a wave
by jen

01 Jul 2009 at 08:15

i’ve done about three different versions of this same exact post at various times.

you’ll figure it out, in your own time and way.
jen´s last blog ..everything was perfect, everything was meant to be
by Damon

01 Jul 2009 at 15:05

Hey, you said “AFM is in large part a fictional character, a Gatsby-esque construct of things embellished….” I don’t completely believe that. Sure you leave stuff unsaid (we all do), & perhaps embellish to a certain extent, but you’ve laid it on the line before, and you ARE REAL. You talk about Boy Z, do photography, discuss your career, etc. etc. etc.

Whatever you’re going through right now, you will get past it. You don’t have to tell us a gosh darn thing. We all go through funks both in life and in the blogosphere, and sometimes at the same time.
Damon´s last blog ..Summer has really really arrived! Random Tuesday Thoughts
by Carolyn Online

02 Jul 2009 at 01:47

I. Am. Confused. But that’s ok, I spend a lot of time being confused.

You just go and do as you please. All is cool with the internet.
Carolyn Online´s last blog ..The Garagemahal: Phase One, Part B
by Hellbilly

02 Jul 2009 at 01:49

Keep “steppin” up and I am sure more will be revealed.
Hellbilly´s last blog ..Colonel Blue Balls
by NATUI

02 Jul 2009 at 03:53

Go out an buy yourself a Cherry Ripe. Sit in the sun and eat it. I know you aren’t a chick, but chocolate really does make one feel better.
NATUI´s last blog ..Why Reality TV Works
by blues

02 Jul 2009 at 07:19

Oh Chris.

I get it.

Go into your corner. Reinvent yourself. Don’t bullshit me and say you don’t love this. Ok, that sounded harsher than I wanted it to. I’m just trying to convince a friend not to go away. Maybe you’re too busy right now or too something you’re not saying, but go somewhere where you can tell us, if you want. And if you don’t, well, I’ll really miss tales of Boy Z and Dr. O.C. and your life there and while you may not get into the nitty gritty, I don’t buy that all of what you’ve presented here has been so filtered. Maybe you can’t share the deepest parts of you but that doesn’t mean that what has come out til now hasn’t blown most of us away, mostly because of its genuineness.

There is a giant pile of shit that I’ve gone through over the last six months that NOBODY knows about that I have only talked about on my blog in hidden code that only I recognize and no one else, because there are things about myself I can’t even bear to tell. I don’t even know if readers have picked up on it. It’s a good way to get it out sometimes, trying to hide it in my posts.

I hope you come back.
blues´s last blog ..Can I get you some more crock pot food?
by courtney

02 Jul 2009 at 08:18

We all pick and choose the things we want to share on the Internet, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with holding back. It’s not like the blog police are going to come after you for not being forthcoming enough. I’ve shared things that I’ve regretted, and I’ve not shared things that I sometimes consider writing about. In the end, do what makes you comfortable.

I hope everything is okay. I’ll be thinking about you.
courtney´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesdays: Evil Marmot Edition
by April

02 Jul 2009 at 08:28

I find these sorts of posts frustrating, as a reader. But as a blogger myself, I understand the sentiment completely.
I hope whatever it is you are able to cope, you know you have support both on your blog and in the real world.
I just hope this isn’t one of those, “And now I’m going to quit blogging and disappear” lead-ins, I’ve seen it in other blogs and always find it disappointing.
April´s last blog ..60 years and counting…
by Southern (in)Sanity

02 Jul 2009 at 10:24

I can certainly relate to that. I tell far more things to the online world in writing and pictures than I tell/show anyone in real-life – even my own family.

I can’t explain it. It just happens that way.

There was a point where folks I knew in real-life “found” my blog. That resulted in an immediate deletion and a re-start with a no references whatsoever to my real name, name of my employer, etc.

So far, so good.
by admin

02 Jul 2009 at 11:45

Right, I know this is cryptic and I know that those of you that e-mailed me have gotten no reply. That’s just the way it is going to be right now. There’s a reason that this post starts with a discussion of privacy. I need some right now. It isn’t that I don’t appreciate your concern. I do. Absolutely. But right now, I’m going to back into my shell and stay there for a while.
by Jessica K

02 Jul 2009 at 12:32

I’m sorry. I hope everything works out okay. As always, you’re in my prayers.
Jessica K´s last blog ..Fresh off the Press
by Joe

02 Jul 2009 at 20:41

You had me freaking out (I’m a google reader user). I started drafting an email and realized that if you wanted to talk about it, you would have said so.

Anyway, sincerely hope you find what you’re looking for. Life’s a motherfucker sometimes.
Joe´s last blog ..My life, or part of it at least
by Agnes

02 Jul 2009 at 22:30

Hope everything turns out ok Chris, whatever it is. Take care.
by Gypsy

07 Jul 2009 at 00:11

That’s the thing about blogs: They’re a construct, and we make them piecemeal. They’re true and honest, but they’re also fabrications. Thing is, I like what you’ve got going here, whether it’s all you or not.
Gypsy´s last blog ..Rising to the challenge