engrish-funny-waiting-prosecutedI’ve occasionally wondered what happens to that creepy baby widget to the left when its counter reaches 0. Does it start counting up? Does the baby disappear, being delivered happily into the ether? Does the ghoulish little fetus start pointing and laughing in the style of Nelson Muntz? Mocking the optimistic sucker who bought the ‘40 week gestation’ line?

It looks like we’re going to find out.

The take home message of Dr. O’C’s latest midwife appointment was, in essence, ‘don’t hold your breath’. Barring any unexpected activity in the next 24 hours, we’re going to trudge past Friday’s ‘due date’ without a hint of labour. A Free Fetus seems a bit too comfortable up in there. The good news for exhausted pregnant woman is that they won’t let you go too far over your due date down here. If we’re still baby-less next Friday afternoon, Dr. O’C will be induced. Which means that, even if hormonally dragged – kicking and screaming – he/she will make a long awaited appearance by next weekend at the latest – Saturday or Sunday.

On college football’s opening weekend. Saturday or Sunday.

Those of you with a Y chromosome (and yes, some without) in the American South or Midwest know what I’m saying here.

bashI mean I’m an enlightened, liberal, educated sort of 21st century guy, but college football Saturdays are sacrosanct. And clearly Dr. O’C and the midwives didn’t consider my personal sabbath in their calculations. My beloved Georgia Bulldogs kick off their season in Stillwater, Oklahoma on Saturday afternoon (2:00 a.m. Sunday Adelaide time). This means that instead of being planted cozily in front of the computer listening to the radio broadcast of the game I could be fannying about in a delivery room at the hospital. Missing the season opener.

I think it’s time for our first father/son or daughter talk, A Free Fetus.

I know it’s all cozy and warm up there in your mother’s uterus. I know that Spring hasn’t really sprung and the house is drafty and a bit damp. I know that you’re going to be pretty constantly tortured and harassed by your older brother. I feel you. I know you’ve got little incentive to make that trip down the birth canal. Hell, I’m a lazy fellow, I get it. I’d stay up there too.

I know these things. But, you see, it’s fixin’ to be football season. And for a few months that means that your Papa is going to be busy on Saturday nights/early Sunday mornings. In some ways, it’s good for you. When you can’t sleep on the weekend, we’ll leave your mother in bed. You can sit up with me and listen to men with strange accents over a crackling internet connection talk about lines of scrimmage, momentum, defensive formations and hobnail boots.

slide_178745_ugafootcc7This first one – it’s a proper game, little one. It’s a big game, against a tough opponent, on the road and will likely set the tone for the rest of the season. We’re not like the despicable Florida Gators – opening the season against a school that was a women’s community college until a couple of years ago.

What I’m saying to you, A Free Fetus, is that I need you to get it in gear and come on out of there before next Saturday.*

Thanks.

UPDATE

The creepy pregnancy widget is gone because it was starting to count up. Which is depressing.

——————————

* That being said, Sunday is Father’s Day in Australia so I guess a new baby would be a pretty good Father’s Day present. However, not a one of you picked the 5th or 6th of September so you should all be pulling for an early delivery.

The Be Good Tanyas’ “Chinatown” is available from The Be Good Tanyas - Chinatown.

Image credits:

Waiting will be prosecuted

Georgia-Oklahoma State

 
icon for podpress  The Be Good Tanyas "I Wish My Baby Was Born": Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Popularity: 11% [?]