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Yesterday was Father’s Day in Australia. I’d love to report that it was a paragon of parenthood, a day spent in a gauzy sepia tone image of fatherhood.
But it wasn’t. It was blustery and wet, rendering us home bound for most of the day. It was filled with crying children and and irritable adults and losing football teams. And sleep deprivation. God, the sleep deprivation. At some point in the last couple of years, I managed to forget what life with a new baby is like, managed to block out the disrupted nights and that particular timbre of a newborn’s cries that just beats on your eardrum like a mallet.
And at some point yesterday, I realized that I’m just not sure about this new fellow – this Not Max.
Maybe it is the lack of sleep talking. Maybe it is because he is the second child and the novelty has warn off. Maybe its because I can’t settle him when he gets upset. I’m beginning to think that he doesn’t like me. I don’t know what it is, but I’m struggling to connect.
Don’t get me wrong, it is not that I don’t like him. Just that I haven’t bonded yet. With Boy Z, I was instantly charmed. Sucked in. He was our first and everything was new and magical. Boy Z was quiet and sleepy where Not Max is disgruntled and lets you know about it. Of course a few weeks later, Boy Z became colicky and thus made our lives hell for months. Maybe we’re just getting the hard stuff at the front end this time.
And I hate change. I like to get to a point where things are working reasonably well and just stick with it. Change is just as likely to be for the worse as it is for the better in my experience. We were just getting things working as a family of three, getting set in our ways and running on all cylinders. All of a sudden, the routine that I fought so hard to establish is shot.
I struggled with this through most of Father’s Day and collapsed into bed bothered and bewildered by my apparent lack of adoration for my new baby son and resigned to another night of interrupted sleep.
Something started to thaw in the wee hours of the morning. After he woke up screaming at for the nineteen millionth time, I dragged my ass out of bed to give Dr. O’C a break. I did what I did with Boy Z when he was going through this stage – staggered downstairs, lit the fire and turned on the TV. I found an American baseball game on our sports channel – Rockies v. Dbacks – and lay down with Not Max on my chest. And he settled for a while. Eyes open, darting about with the bright colors of a ballgame being played on the other side of the world. I remembered moments like these with Boy Z. During the colicky months, I would be up with him three or four times a week. I watched The Sopranos on DVD while he grumbled and cacked on my chest. I got through most of the series before he was five months old. I didn’t like being up at 4 in the morning, but those times are still precious for me today. Dads don’t have much influence with newborns and the late night/early morning sessions with New Jersey’s mafioso stand out as the time when I began to have an influence in my first son’s life.
I think I’m going to need a new TV series to watch with my second son.
MP3: Frank Turner “Father’s Day”
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British punk folker Frank Turner is one of Blighty’s most talented artists who, inexplicably, is still flying underneath the radar. Check out his debut “Sleep is for the Week” from 
. Turner’s third full length is out today. I’ve only had a chance to listen to “Poetry of the Deed” once, but from what I’ve heard so far it is outstanding. It will be available on tomorrow or on CD from XtraMile.
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The bonding will come, I’m sure. For a new series, maybe Sons of Anarchy? Maybe it’s a little cheesy, but I enjoy it.
Sorry about your Bulldogs. I have been to Athens many times and it is truly a beautiful campus, even more so than the loveliest village on the plains. Richt is a good coach, and the old football maxim is you learn more from a loss than a win, and I am sure they will bounce back.
Jud´s last blog ..A Day for Remembrance
Ahhh. I feel for ya man. I hope the fireside TV series-watching works for you this time around, too.
NATUI´s last blog ..She’ll Get You In Dutch
We had a similar problem with our little girl since the breastfeeding didn’t start out on the right foot. I remember holding her crying thinking I’d made a terrible mistake. But we got help and it got better (the DVD The Happiest Baby on the Block was a life saver).
Until she was about four months, our little girl didn’t like to sleep in her crib unless we were in the room with her, so we watched the entire series of The West Wing with her alternating between sleeping on my chest or on her dad’s. She won’t sleep in our arms anymore, and I though at the time I found it exasperating, I desperately miss holding that tiny baby sleeping on me.
April´s last blog ..Book Review for Online Book Club: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer
I wish you rest.
Cat´s last blog ..Mama
Mad Men lives up to the hype. Six Feet Under is unmissable.
headbang8´s last blog ..The second worst word in the English language
I appreciate your honesty. I hear so much about parents being immediately in love with their newborns; it’s always interesting to hear about the people who gradually find that love.
Check out Six Feet Under. It’s amazing. If you’re in the mood for comedy, I also recommend Arrested Development and Flight of the Conchords.
courtney´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesdays: Sleeping Indian Edition (do you see it?)
I could have written this post, three and a half years ago. I was really shocked by the lack of insta-bonding. When Jane was about 4 months old, I remember thinking, “You know what? We were probably ok with just one kid.”
Of course, now, I’m freakin’ crazy about her. But it was the shock to our collective system that was jarring.
To quote someone on the Internet: “Coffee. It’s the new sleep.”
Ginny´s last blog ..Je Parle Sitcom (Or, Sprechen Sie 80’s Half-Hour Comedy?)
I love how honest you are. I feel like everyone seems to think it’s not okay to say change is hard, even when it’s good change – even when we wanted this.
If you’re at all into Sci Fi and haven’t seen the newer Doctor Who series, it’s REALLY good.
Allie´s last blog ..Little Road Trips
A new baby is someone to get to know. Every new parent has the opportunity to miss sleep, change diapers, rock and burp, and did I say miss sleep? You figured out a way to spend time with the first one when he needed you and you will this time too.
Technobabe´s last blog ..Is Life A Struggle?
Not trying to dish out advice here but have you guys got a sling? Then at least you could have your hands free and walk around a bit once he’s asleep in it. My husband was reluctant to use one with our first but used it a ton with our second and didn’t mind doing the late-night walkabout with him if he could also be holding a book or making a sandwich or something.
The bonding will come. Don’t stress about it, or feel guilty.
Noble Savage´s last blog ..Bibliotherapy Q&A
What a little cherub.. the two kids are pretty good too! A belated Congratulations on the addition to your family!
jams O’Donnell´s last blog ..Stars of David
I’m convinced that forgetting the sleepless nights and projectile vomit is a defense mechanism. If we remembered all that, humanity would cease to exist. As for a series, do you know about HBO’s True Blood? It’s a hit in the Unbearable household.
The Unbearable Banishment´s last blog ..One too many Stephen King stories
MadMen, Weeds or Dexter. Now you see why every congratulatory emailed, every baby-envious longing was tempered with the “at least I get to sleep.” The sleep-deprivation is, in my opinion, the worst part about those five months. When you are staggering and drunk from exhaustion, there is nothing they can do to appear adorable. At those moments, they are a needy lump of flesh that you have voluntarily committed to keeping alive and well even at your own demise.
And of course sleep deprivation also impacts your ability to remember(thank god)so what you are left with after the 6 month study in the affects of sleep deprivation is mostly good.
Happy Father’s Day, I know you are aware of all my platitudes but I know when I was in the throes of infantdom, it always helped when I was reminded that it doesn’t last forever. And when it has been awhile and both you and the Doc are at your limit, let some well-meaning friend come over and put the earplugs on, take a pill if necessary and go get an uninterrupted three hour nap.
I hated the newborn period and remember it quite clearly. It was ten months before E slept through the night and he wasn’t even a particularly fussy child. Colic was never an issue with him and the gas drops worked well whenever he got gassy.
I do remember those late nights, but for me, I actually took advantage of them. We have the summers off and he was born a week before that time off started, and I tend to be a night owl. I gladly stayed up with him and watched TV, noodled around on the Internet, or watched rugby early in the morning. Then, I’d sleep through at least half of the day while my wife took over.
Of course, she was breast feeding then, so she was screwed either way. Even when I was staying up with him, when it was time to feed, I still had to wake her up enough to free the natural milk bottle.
Jacob´s last blog ..This Is a Baby Post
Here’s to a good night’s sleep. You might not feel bonded quite yet, but I bet Not Max does.
Here In Franklin´s last blog ..Let the Games Begin
Honestly, all the bonding that can be done is on your part, not his. He digs you. He hasn’t a choice. The “Here we go again!” feelings are so natural, and no doubt contribute to the lack of a connection, for each child is so unique.
I’m preaching to the choir here, for I’m sure you’ve thought of all this. I guess I’m just encouraging you to hang in there. One day, he’ll seem so much more “him” and so much less just another kid. And it’ll click . . .
As for TV, I recently spent some time watching 30 Rock on DVD. Best time I’ve had in quite a while. Or, if you want something old but good, give Carnivale a try . . .
tysdaddy´s last blog ..Lost
Strangely, my kids both had the same bonding opportunities provided by my wife’s c-section recovery (as in, I was the one doing the settling since she couldn’t cradle them properly), yet with one at 4.5 years and the other at 11 months, the connections could not be more different. My daughter (the four year old) loves me and what not, but she’s nowhere near as attached to me as her mother. My son on the other hand is so attached to me it’s not even funny.
This whole parenting thing is weird sometimes.
SciFi Dad´s last blog ..The Great Social Networking Experiment
Great post. I’m sure you’ll find an appropriate TV series to watch with your late nights/early mornings with Max.
I think I commented a few posts back about not really liking either of our little ones when they were little. I loved them and all; I just didn’t want to hang out with them that much and certainly didn’t feel a “bond” when they were nursing all the time, not walking, and not talking. In any event, you’re smart enough to know that’ll change, as I am while watching our boy crawl a few weeks from his first birthday.
Max will become cool and interesting, and the Dawgs will start winning. We know these to be true.
muskrat´s last blog ..is it just me, or is this guy an asshole?
I can’t believe how much he looks like Z. Those two are going to have some much fun together some day…
In the meantime, I second the suggestions of Mad Men and Weeds. Each is a superior show. And since there are so few of these cable giants per season, you might want to just pick up both shows — there aren’t that many to go around.
alice´s last blog ..Some images of Chicago…
Yeah, I vote for Madmen – it really is fantastic. As a historian, I tend to hate historical shows/movies as I cannot get by the inaccuracies, but Madmen is usually spot on.
And since I have been incommunicado in Yellowstone for a few days, only now can I mock your sorry ass team for making me have to defend the SEC to Pac-10 fans. Pac-10! Good luck against Vandy.
People gave me a lot of advice, but the one I didn’t get–either because no one felt this way or, more likely, because it’s not something you talk about–was that love wasn’t instantaneous. Unlike you, I wasn’t instantly charmed. Here was a stranger who came into our lives and demanded everything. My wife had the post-whatever depression, which meant I had to run around between a depressed wife, two dogs who didn’t know what the hell was going on, and a crying baby who would only be consoled by his mother.
I don’t know how people fall in and out of love. Maybe for me it was the first time I did the right think to get him to stop crying. But it was–I’m not sure… a while… maybe even weeks before I didn’t simply resent this stranger.
It’s not something people talk about, and I think it’s a shame. Good for you for admitting the problem is not simply physical exhaustion, but a mental one. All four of you (five) have been through a lot lately, and I think your job right now is not to kill yourself looking for the same feelings you had in the past, but to change diapers when they’re dirty, and to help your wife, and to make sure your baby is doing okay. Everything else will come when it comes.
Congratulations again to all five of you.
People in the Sun´s last blog ..Howard Kurtz is our Perv Monster of the Week
It will definitely come. Most likely very soon. As for a new series. Have you watched The Wire? It is fantastic and Not Max is way to young to understand all the violence.
I turned on the radio in my car on Saturday and the Georgia game was on. I thought of you when OKS went ahead. I thought, give the man a break, he has a new baby to deal with.
SeattleDad´s last blog ..Toddler Nirvana
Jud – I keep hearing good things about Sons of Anarchy. I’ll check it out. Richt is a classy guy, but I’m not sure he’s got the killer instinct of a Meyer or a Saban that you need to win the big one.
NATUI – We’ll get there.
April – I know. I really started to miss those late night Sopranos sessions when Zach got too big for them. So in a way, it’s a good thing that they’re back. Dr. O’C came out to rescue me the other morning and I half didn’t want her too. But then I realized I had to go to work in a couple of hours.
Cat – Me too.
Headbang – I’ve been watching the second season of Mad Men and it is fantastic. I think Six Feet Under is climbing its way to the top of my list.
Courtney – I love Flight of the Conchords!
Ginny – I stopped midway through my lecture today and said ‘If I don’t get some coffee I’m going to pass out.” I think they were happy with the break.
Allie – I haven’t watched Dr. Who in years. Largely because Dr. O’C isn’t a sci fi fan. But if I’m up by myself…
Technobabe – What was that about sleep?
NS – We have a Baby Bjorn and I do use that.
Jams – Cherub may not be the most appropriate description.
TUB – I watched a bit of True Blood, but I really don’t like it. Just seems a lot of sex and violence just because it’s HBO and they can. Pales in comparison to some of their other stuff (The Sopranos and The Wire).
Chris – Try giving a lecture on gene expression. Christ, couldn’t keep my head in it at all. I was thinking this morning that you should try and have another girl to pair up with Not Max!
We’re about to start watching Season 2 of Dexter. Great TV!
Jacob – I know. I feel like a third wheel a lot of times during this phase. The boy just wants to be fed and changed. I guess I can do the changing…
A Free Man´s last blog ..You always told me Father’s Day was just another way of selling Hallmark greeting cards
dude, i think you forget. i remember you going on about how you thought weeZ didnt like you and only liked Dr O’C. So it’s just the same, and it will take time, and you’ll learn to love him. It doesnt happen overnight. It’ll be cool.
ssg´s last blog ..hello again
You will bond. I remember wanting to leave my boys on the hospital steps when they were babies. You reminded me of how hard it is in the beginning. Thank God, we block it out or we would live in a world with only children.
Have any ideas on what tv series? I would recommend something but I rarely get tv time. Sorry.
Beth´s last blog ..My husband started a war and now I kind of feel sorry for the refugees
I don’t have to read these comments to be sure you’ve found out what you’re feeling for Not Max is completely normal. I have no doubt you’ll both find your nitch and things will begin to flow normally for you. (As normally as it can for families with newborns!)
Now that I’m a GA resident, I’m going to root for them as my number 2 team. I have to… after all I married one of you!
Angel´s last blog ..Please Don’t Leave Me!
I’d go with a family show–something like the Sopranos.
And congrats. When he’s a teen, you’ll be missing these days. Trust me.
Prefers Her Fantasy Life´s last blog ..Not The Way I Thought "The Sex Talk" Would Happen
Lost is how you sound, and it is what you should watch.
May I suggest Star Trek: The Next Generation?
Seven seasons long, hon.
Jan´s last blog ..Sushi Bar, Sushi Bar – Where For Art Thou, Sushi Bar?
My dad read Lord of the Rings to me.
rassles´s last blog ..Jinx. Sans Hi.
Great pics and as usual, a level of honesty that leaves little unsaid:)
suzer´s last blog ..Culture Shock and Stress
If the baby is a real crier– have you checked out The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp? It works– if I can remember, it’s the 4 S’s: Swaddle, Sucking, Side (have them on their side), Swaying/ rocking.
Not sure if you’re using a dummy/ pacifier– but shove one in there, swaddle them really tight, hold them on their side with there stomach pressed against yours, and sway/rocket/bounce fast.
We had a crier and it got us through the 1st 3 months! Poor Not Max, Poor mommy and daddy. Sorry about the UF hat too, I knew that would only add to your stress.
Florida Girl In Sydney´s last blog ..Big Daddy
I just saw April recommended the same book/dvd– I think my comment above summed up the book somewhat if you can’t find it here? maybe there’s a video on youtube– it really works.
Florida Girl In Sydney´s last blog ..Big Daddy
Giving a vote to Six Feet Under. Unbelievable. And if I remember correctly, first episode is outstanding so you’ll get sucked in right away. Although not sure how appropriate it is to have an infant around while watching that show, it’s twisted. Happy Father’s Day
Kerry´s last blog ..Who needs electricity? It’s FIJI!
I think it took my partner a good 6 weeks to bond with our son. It definitely took him that long to want to give me a break by actually holding the damn baby. Isaac is nearly 8 months old now and all is fine, but that first bit, I think it was hard for him. We did a lot of ‘yours and mine’ as he took care of Amy and I did all the newborn stuff.
It’s a learning curve. A steep one.
Veronica´s last blog ..Warmth
This is the most beautiful post I’ve read in years. I didn’t read the comments, but as I scrolled down I saw the word “honest” over and over. That’s what we need more of. Honesty in parenting. It isn’t a Johnson’s soap commercial. It’s raw and horrifying and breathtaking and wonderful and and and. You love Not Max. That is all you need right now, the like will come- some day. He loves his mommy. You love them both. Boy Z needs you more than ever and you are there for him, and you need the bond you share with him so you don’t drown in the deep recesses of daddyguilt.
Sounds quite ideal to me.
lora´s last blog ..
Oh, my. Those late-night breast feedings, catching up on my TiVo shows or old Wonder Woman episodes. Memories.
And try swaddling the little buggar or using a sling. That might help. He may still want to be tightly wound up in Mum’s belly and be unhappy with all this space to stretch. Might help. Don’t know.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..F*ck It.
HIF – I don’t know. He seems pretty pissed off about the whole thing.
Tys – I know. I just wish he would let me sleep.
SciFi – Boy Z is much more bonded to me and my theory is that is because I had to hold him – for similar reasons that you did – for the first hour after he was born.
SIS – Right now we’re watching West Wing over again. But I think I have some pretty good ideas for a new one.
Muskrat – Not Max will definitely become more interesting, but I’m not sure that the ‘Dawgs are going to do much winning this season.
Alice – I hear a lot of good things about Weeds as well. And as a half hour comedy it may be the perfect length for our purposes.
Jamie – I don’t think we know anything about how sorry ass or not your team is until they play a Div 1-A school. When do you guys do that? Like November? I just watched the season finale of Season 2 of Mad Men and was really impressed by the way they dealt with the Cuban Missle Crisis.
PIS – Well put. And your right. In hindsight I don’t know if I was instantly enamored with Boy Z. I think I convinced myself that I was and the eventually was. Probably the same thing this time round.
SeattleDad – Hey, thanks for the well wishes on Saturday.
SSG – Thanks for that actually. I had blocked a lot of that stuff out. You’re right though.
Beth – Could we have done that? Left him at the hospital?
Angel – I know your right, but right now in the heat of sleep deprivation, I don’t really believe you.
Prefers – I did the Sopranos with Boy Z and just recently rewatched the whole series. I’m not bothered by inappropriate material at this age – they don’t see it.
Nathan – I’ve never gotten into Lost. Maybe I should try from the beginning.
Jan – I used to love that show back in the day. Must be able to find it cheap on DVD as it’s pretty old.
Rassles – My dad read me Watership Down.
Suzer – Thanks.
FGIS – Dammit, I forgot one of those S’s last night. No wonder I couldn’t get him to sleep. Seriously, though, that approach does seem to help. But it does bother me to see him trussed like a turkey.
Kerry – Thanks. I’ve been looking out for Six Feet Under on sale somewhere.
Veronica – I don’t mind pitching in, not at all, but I guess I just forgot what a new baby is like. Not easy. Not easy.
Lora – It certainly isn’t like a commercial. I wanted to through a hammer through the TV the other day when I saw one of those commercials. A placid, glowing baby. Ah, how sweet. Certainly not my experience.
Wow, that sounds a lot like Grant. He didn’t care much for Jeff for a long time. He really didn’t like anyone but me. I wore him around in the Baby Bjorn constantly, because it made him happy and kept my hands free!
He’s definitely Jeff’s wild child now though! He LOVES being with his dad. I’m sure Not Max will come around. Hang in there!
Jessica K´s last blog ..Oh, The Little Things That Make Life So Sweet
You know, I really appreciate this post. So many people only let you see the side where they are just head over heels for their newborn and not many have the guts to tell you the connection isn’t instantaneous.
blues´s last blog ..Gum and Madge