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Why didn’t those of you with multiple spawn warn me that having two kids was four times as much work as having one kid?* I might have taken action – a vow of abstinence after Boy Z was born or something.
My Spring Break thus far has been a battle. A battle with Not Max over sleep. A battle with Boy Z over appropriate and inappropriate targets for hurled objects. A battle with Dr. O’C to keep from biting off each other’s head. I’m pretty sure I’m losing most of these battles right now.
Not Max and I continue circling one another like the wary combatants we are. He’s still not sure about me and I’m still not sure about him. Every now and again we get close to a breakthrough – I feel my heart melting a bit, a little half smile crosses his face. Then he starts screaming at me again.
But I’m not that easily deterred. We’ll get there.
One of the battles I may have won was over Boy Z’s sleeping arrangements. One mission for the break was to get Boy Z out of his cot (crib) and into his bed. On Monday, I decided to force the issue. I disassembled his cot and put it into the garage. I had him ‘help’ and we talked it over while we took it apart. All good. That night, we went through the bedtime routine and he went into the bed willingly for the first time since we bought the damn thing a month ago.
I shut the door, held my breath and waited.
Silence.
Feeling a bit chuffed, I headed downstairs to brag and watch an episode of The Wire with Dr. O’C. But 20 minutes later, I heard the sound of a doorknob rattling and a soft, but urgent, ‘Bubba?’
I went in to him and it was clear he had been crying, his face wet and eyes swollen. I sat down with him on the bed.
“What’s the matter, Boy Z, are you scared?”
“Scad. Yeah.”
“Why? What’s scary?”
But that question is far beyond the scope of a two year old. Lots of things are scary, that’s the nature of childhood. Life is big and loud and full of surprises – many of them unpleasant. But Boy Z is such a burly little tough guy that I don’t think of him ever being scared. He’s shy around people, to be sure, but when faced with most of life’s challenges he marches right up to them and delivers a cricket bat to their skull.
Sometimes life sends a dragon your way that isn’t slain so easily. Whatever it was about that bed was too much for Boy Z. He had tried. He stayed up there, crying silently for twenty minutes before he leapt from the bed and sought help.
I did what I could – sang a song, turned on a light for him, brought him every stuffed animal he owns and a couple of diggers.
As I walked out of the room, I turned back and that image – my very small boy in a very big bed, eyes wide and darting, with tears drying on his cheeks – well, it cracked my heart a little. But I turned, shut the door and exhaled*. Because that’s what I had to do.
At that moment, it seemed to me that parenting is sometimes just a string of tiny heartbreaks.
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*Actually, I’m curious whether it is a linear or exponential relationship. In other words, where n=the number of kids, would the increased difficulty be (n-1)x4 or 4(n-1)? Coalminer’s Grandaughter, Formerly Fun, Reinventing Dad – any insight?
**That, of course, wasn’t the end of it. He made it through the night, but only with Dr. O’C in bed with him for an hour and me for about four hours. He did better last night, only needed me for about an hour. He’ll be fine. Tonight? So far, so good.
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I absolutely adore Canadian singer-songwriter Kathleen Edwards. Her debut LP, 2003’s “Failer” 
, was an alt-country masterpiece. She’s never really matched the quality of that debut, but she’s put out two more outstanding albums. The lovely “Scared At Night” comes from 2008’s “Asking For Flowers”, which is available from .
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We didn’t warn you because misery loves company, pal. I’ll bet you’ll get that vasectomy now! Here’s the really scary part: I’ve always heard: Little kids, little problems; big kids big problems. I hope that’s inaccurate. Really love that last pic.
The Unbearable Banishment´s last blog ..What to avoid in NYC. Tip #2: dining options
Ha! My wife and I have determined it is an exponential function of difficulty vs. number of kids. 4(n-1), but for us there was a point where the curve leveled off between #3 and #4. So maybe some kind of complex polynomial, but we’re not going to investigate the function further. :^) Seriously though, I remember thinking we were ready for our #2 because we had been through it already and then being surprised by it being a whole new ballgame with 2 kids in the family.
Loved this line: “At that moment, it seemed to me that parenting is sometimes just a string of tiny heartbreaks.” That is so true.
You needed a warning? Have you not been paying attention to what we actually post on our blogs? Nah, you went into this with a willing blindness.
It is a long, hard road but one day you will look back and not be able to imagine things any other way.
NATUI´s last blog ..WW: Comfort
I hate quoting the Fibonacci bros, because everyone gets it wrong. You can start and stop with any set of primes but 2 kids sounds great and you have my best wishes.
Well, I didn’t warn you because out of my three children only one is left at home and he’s in high school – I’d mercifully blocked out what it was like to have more than one very small child. In fact, I’d blocked out what it was like to have any small children until my oldest step-daughter had a son last month. Now we’re just having too much fun watching her with a very small child.
Jan´s last blog ..The Big Four-Oh-Oh…Meme Style
Oh! That is a little heartbreaking. But good for him in the end. Those pictures of Boy Z playing peekaboo with Not Max are ADORABLE!
Allie´s last blog ..I spent an hour stuck in a dress. How was your day?
I’m lucky. My wife turned the “big boy bed” into a huge adventure for E. He drug every visitor to the house for months to go look at his big boy bed. It probably helped that we got her parents to buy us a crib that converts from crib to toddler bed to a regular bed with just a change of front rail for the toddler bed and a change of side rails and a mattress for the regular bed. Most of what is familiar to him is still there. He just is able to get out on his own now.
I’m also stopping at one kid.
But, if you really were willing to commit, I don’t think it keeps getting harder after the second or third, mainly because by that time the first starts to be more of a help with the younger ones than a problem of their own. It’s why my dad and some of my grandparents thought of some of their older sisters more as mothers than siblings.
Jacob´s last blog ..Death Is a Weird Thing
It will get easier, I promise! My little guy just turned one and is not sleeping through the night yet and sometimes we all play musical beds (I slept in TNC’s bed last night, she in mine with her father) but the really rough nights are much fewer and farther between. I just try to go with the flow and keep reminding myself that they’ll both grow out of their nighttime freakiness and let us get an uninterrupted night’s sleep soon. Perhaps in another year…
Noble Savage´s last blog ..Turns out, I need structure
A string of heartbreaks, indeed. Accompanied by low grade terror. Or maybe that’s just me.
Is there anything from the crib that you can give him to keep in his bed? When we put my son into a bed, he’d had one of those fisher price ocean wonder thingies. And putting it on the floor, beside his bed, or even in his bed, helped a lot.
It gets better. Really.
We are still going through a bit of that with Izzy, she gets out of her bed and comes out hoping to hang with us. What I want to do is scoop her up and let her fall asleep in my lap but I know she needs to get the bedtime routine down so she can go to bed without stress so I don’t, but I certainly want to.
Once in awhile, one of the grandparents will take the two girls or the two big kids because they are not brave enough for all three. This leaves us with one at a time and my husband and I always marvel at how much easier it is. If nothing more than it quiets the din of voices and request hurtled at you. I will tell you however, that as they get older, +1 is helpful because they will play together, happy when you want to play along but content when you do not. One of the things I am so glad we did was get the kids started on tasks early, making the bed, throwing away a diaper, clearing the table….Now with three ages 9, 5, and nearly 2, it is a godsend and sanity saver to have a little help.
As for your equations, I don’t know but I can say that the growth of stuff is exponential as you add children.
By the way, NotMax looks just like Z, you should post a few of their bebe pics side by side, I’d love to see the comparison.
chris´s last blog ..Revenge: A Dish Best Served With Sad Puppy Eyes
We got a convertible crib, I’m hoping it will help with this issue a bit.
I’m starting to understand why my parents would say “this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” when I got punished.
April´s last blog ..Foggy Morning Funk
I don’t know if anything can be more difficult than seeing that your two-year-old is honestly scared or sad and then have them not be able to tell you what is wrong.
Bedtime wasn’t too bad for us, but we transitioned to a toddler bed (think low crib without sides) when we knew we would need the crib for numer two. Although, after he had the flu, Ray would wake up crying in his bed and I would sit in his room or lie on the floor next to the bed in the middle of the night (often falling asleep) while he calmed down. It just worked itself out in a week or two and now we’re all good (apart from waking up at 5:45 every now and then). You’ll get there.
I think that difficulty is inveresely proportional to spare time. That should mean that at some point, once all your spare time has been exhausted, it shouldn’t get any harder! (Though I realize that in this scenario as spare time approaches zero, difficulty approaches infinity).
Great post, AFM. You have a brave little boy there.
courtney´s last blog ..Jane Lynch, This Love Letter Is Partially For You
Ah mate. What they all said. Apparently it takes three nights to either break or establish a habit so the bed thing should start to get easier from now on. I don’t remember the BA having any trouble transitioning to a bed but then she always ended up in mine at about 2am so- they all have their own foibles.
Can I come around for a cuddle this weekend?
With the baby, not you fool!
arizaphale´s last blog ..Crafty Tuesday: The Costumes
Actually, it’s geometric, more along the lines of nn (wherein I experiment with html in your comments).
I remember the arduously slow transition to “big girl bed” for my daughter: first on the crib mattress beside the empty crib frame, then in a different room but still on the crib mattress, then on a twin mattress on the floor, and finally in a real bed. I was just happy to not have to climb up from the floor anymore by the end of it.
Doh. That should have been n^n (so I can use italics but not the one, eh?).
SciFi Dad´s last blog ..Balanced Upbringing
Nobody can tell you how it will be, you just have to be flexible and ingenious. It sounds like you have it down pretty good. That was a good idea to make it a father/son project to dismantle the crib. That was a smart move. By the way, I have Asking for Flowers on my iTunes.
Technobabe´s last blog ..Counter Culture
20 minutes, huh? Good for Boy Z. I might not have made it that long.
Hang in there.
I also have blissfully blocked many baby sleepless nights. It really helped Baby Doodle to share a room for that transition. For us it was with big brother, but could you set up an air mattress for a little while?
heather´s last blog ..Under Pressure
Nice song. And well written post too. I could feel for you having to leave the room. You never want to leave your child crying and walk away. Personally, It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
SeattleDad´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Today’s Lesson
Superb post, dude.. I can’t relate since I’m still living the ‘good’ life, but I do feel for ya!
Monty´s last blog ..Say hello, to my recently returned mojo.
Ah, heartbreaking to be sure. He had tried. He stayed up there, crying silently for twenty minutes before he leapt from the bed and sought help. My eyes watered up immediately. How incredibly sweet
Now I actually think you were forewarned, but if not– well you find out pretty quickly– for example: you, now.
Poor Boy Z, I left my kids in cribs until they were 3 years old– I’m a freak.
Florida Girl in Sydney´s last blog ..Waking Up On Mars
Ohhh… Poor little guy.
Sarah admitted to me a couple days ago that she, after having spent the entire day with her two pregnant friends, has caught the baby bug. So, naturally, I’m packing all my belongings and will soon be dropping off the grid.
Joe´s last blog ..A conversation about sleep
Hopefully he’s even better tonight for you.
And yeah, I wish someone had warned me too. Plus, 2 kids damn near triples the laundry. How? I don’t know, baby clothes are small.
Veronica´s last blog ..Feeling Supported
It’s all relative. More kids = more everything. Good and bad.
We had a hard time with my youngest moving from crib to bed but she forced the issue by climbing out of her crib and landing on her head so…we drug out the bed. It’ll only took her something like 18 months to sleep through the night int eh thing (really no joke) but I’m thinking that isn’t a helpful little story is?
Either way I wish you luck. Our first had no issues and just trucked into bed and went to sleep. He’s a bit like his father that way.
Blogging Mama Andrea´s last blog ..It’s Travel Thursday
Poor pumpkin.
Just wait. I remember when my kids were super small and they were in the same room. Hah! GOOD TIMES by the time #2 was more mobile. They used to have a grand old time trashing their room together! From their two cots. I’d put them to bed and listen to them drive each other crazy for ages. Woot!
JChevais´s last blog ..New Work Monday #34
BTW: Boy Z is the poor pumpkin. Not you. Sorry dude.
JChevais´s last blog ..New Work Monday #34
I tend to find that the actual number of children in one’s home is completely dependent upon the age, amount of sleep the child has had, and the amount of sugar the child has ingested.
So, yeah, a houseful of three toddlers feels like a pre-school of 20.
In.Sane.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Behemoth
I have a friend with four kids – 3 boys and 1 girl. She – and other people I know with 3+ spawn – *say* the math goes something like this: 2 is 4 times harder than 1. But 3 is only twice as hard as 1 and at four is somehow goes back to being as easy as one.
Personally, I think they’re on crack.
Either that, or they are trying to trick the rest of us into joining them in their insanity.
Not me. My math is more like 1 boy child + 1 boy child = 1 operation = Happy, happy, mommy.
Hang in there dude. I’m not gonna lie to you. The first year is murder. But, on the bright side, the sleep deprivation dulls the memory of it all later. (Hence the crazies who keep on breeding).
ZenMom´s last blog ..His, Hers and Ours
Congrats on the UGA win…have been dealing with flooding this week and not reading or writing much.
As for the babies, at least they’re not sharing a room.
TUB – Jesus! That’s what I needed to hear! Thanks. A lot.
atimetorend – That’s a polynomial that I hope I never have a reason to solve.
NATUI – I don’t know about willing.
Jan – I’m intentionally blocking out what’s going to happen when they become teens…
Allie – I’m not sure that’s peek-a-boo. I think it’s more ‘let’s smother Not Max and see what happens’.
Jacob – I’m not interested in the experiment. Two is plenty!
NS – Last night he made it through without waking, so I think we’ve done it.
Ginny – The low grade terror, that’s a whole different kettle of fish.
Chris – That side-by-side photo is a good idea! And, I think that we’re going to ship Boy Z off to his Nana’s house tomorrow night. Just for a bit of peace. She’s my hero.
April – We’ve just started putting Boy Z in his room for a couple of minutes when he does something dangerous or incredibly annoying. It definitely hurts me.
Chris – We thought about the toddler bed, but now that we’ve got it sorted I’m glad we didn’t. Less money spent.
I’ve heard it’s ten times, but my kid is an only child, so I wouldn’t know. Congrats on the gorgeous baby.
yellojkt´s last blog ..Glee-vangelical
Those kids are absolutely adorable and you will get through this. All will be well, trust me.
Oh now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute here – I DID warn you!!!!!! Dad gum it…now I’m going to have to look through all your posts and comments so I can find that place where I said something along the lines of “Two kids is four times the work and ten times the laundry.”
Of course, my warning probably wasn’t much good seeing as Dr. O’C was already pregnant when I said it…
Anyway, back to reading this post. I only got through the first sentence before I had to comment.
Jill/Twipply Skwood´s last blog ..Death by Teenager, Part 4,752
Awwwww, the sleep thing. Now I remember why I didn’t have more babies. I still feel good and guilty 12 years later about leaving my gal all scared in her room. She used to fall asleep standing up with her arms draped over the crib railing and then wake up because she plopped down onto the mattress. So she never stayed asleep because the falling down always woke her up. But you have to get sleep somehow.
Jill/Twipply Skwood´s last blog ..Death by Teenager, Part 4,752
wonderful post, chris.
blues´s last blog ..Gum and Madge
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