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Not Afraid To Use It
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SciFi Dad
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The Unbearable Ba...
Allie
This was going to be a different kind of post. I was going to write about how, come the middle of August every year when I was in elementary school, I got bored. How at some point during the dog days, summer ground to a halt and I got excited about going back to school. It wasn’t that I particularly liked school, just that I craved routine and the freedom and idleness of summer vacation started to wear thin.
I was going to tell you that after two weeks off for paternity leave/spring break, I was ready to get back to work. I do particularly like my job, but that’s not the whole reason. My ass was kicked after a fortnight of full time parenting. I was going to write that after a couple of days where things looked good on the Not Max sleep front, we were back to sleep deprivation and irritability. How, even when he was sleeping, Not Max grunts and snores and coos his way through the night. How I was out of patience for Boy Z and the incessant messing – little hands constantly groping, grabbing, pulling, breaking. And the whining. Oh my god, the whining.
I was going to write that I was ready to get back to my quiet little office at the university. To sit in blessed silence interrupted only rarely by a whining undergraduate.
I know all of this would have made me sound ungrateful, bitter and, well, whiny. That is one of the reasons that I decided not to write it. I know it would have made me sound like the very kind of parent for whom I have no patience, the ones who spend all of their conversational energy moaning about their kids. But that’s where I was at the time. I was broken. After Boy Z was born, I was jealous that Dr. O’C got to stay home with him while I had to trundle off to work every morning. After Not Max, I know that I’ve got the better end of the deal.
That’s what I was going to write.
And then the other night during one of Not Max’s 4 a.m. wake up binges I lay down on the couch and popped on an episode of “Six Feet Under”*. One of the story lines had the Fishers doing a funeral for a baby who had died of SIDS. And that episode hit me like a freight train full of shut the hell up. For some reason, since becoming a father I can be moved to tears by even the sappiest father-child story line. I think I started sobbing while watching “Father of the Bride 2″ not so long ago. I know I teared up during the Georgia-LSU game when they cut to Joe Cox’s Dad after what should have been his son’s game winning touchdown pass. And the other morning, as the story on the TV unfolded I was distracted, listening obsessively to my younger son’s breathing as he lay on my chest. I didn’t sleep well for the rest of the night and actually welcomed his snoring as reassurance that everything was as it should be.
And I realized I was being self-centered ingrate.
A self-centered ingrate that needed to shut the hell up and get on with the business of raising his kids to the best of his ability.
That realization hasn’t made life perfect. It is still really hard. There are still the tantrums and the messing and the whining from Boy Z. I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing most of the time with Not Max. I’m still not rallying to the new family dynamic. I’m still throwing tantrums to rival Boy Z’s and doing a lot more shouting than I am strictly comfortable with. And I was pretty excited to be back at work today. I kept my door closed all afternoon to dissuade the casual whining student.
But I’m also grateful. Grateful that I’ve got two beautiful, healthy sons. As much as they can drive me right up to the verge of losing it, I don’t want to imagine life without them. I can’t think of anything worse. Because, as any parent knows, moments of wonderful completely erase hours of horrible.
Still and all, I am looking forward to work again in the morning.
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Due to my connection to the place, I’ll always listen with a tender ear to any band from Athens, Georgia. But Laminated Cat is pretty special, regardless of where they come from. There seems to be a bit of a resurgence of Sixties-esque garage psychedelia happening right now. I’ve been hearing a few bands that sound like they were the spawn of 13th Floor Elevators. These Athenians, however, are the best that I’ve heard, seemlessly blending psychedelia with fuzzy grunge guitar. Laminated Cat’s “Umbrella Weather came out last week on Garden Gate Records and is available from 
. If nothing else, Jeff Tweedy fans have got to love the Loose Fur reference.
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*Thanks to Courtney, Headbang8 and Kerry for this recommendation. I’m fully sucked in. Great damn television.
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Ahhhh, yes. Welcome to my heart. It’s a maddening dichotomy, no? But it’s part of that indescribable ache of parenting (though you’ve described it pretty well.)
maggie, dammit´s last blog ..Class Reunion
“And I realized I was being a self-centered ingrate.”
Which is why I have serious doubts as to whether I could ever be a father.
Rol´s last blog ..Welcome To The Working Week
True story: Father of the Bride made me cry when I was 19 and had just moved into the dorms in university because it made me remember my family and made me realize just how much I missed them.
There are days where I agree with your conclusion that the working parent has the better end of the deal, but there are also days where I would argue that the at-home parent’s deal is pretty sweet as well. Both roles have shitty times and good times, and as much as some people may disagree, I think there’s more good than bad when you’re at home with your kids.
SciFi Dad´s last blog ..Oh My…
I know what you mean, although I did turn my negative feelings about parenting into a line of dark humor. I’m pretty sure people who’ve seen me actually being a parent would agree that I’m not as horrible as a person as I make myself sound at times.
I generally avoid whining, although I do use my blog as a vent at times, so I’m probably whinier there than I am in real life.
Jacob´s last blog ..Sleep Becomes Him
Healthy babies are the best.
I’m totally with you on this one, AFM…complete with the crying at the slightest mention of a father/child relationship. Having one go to kindergarten this school year has taken things to another level, though…
ooh, ooh. I totally did ALL of those things. I have a piece of good news for you: it does get easier. You stop constantly worrying about their possible death in the night. Eventually, you drop them off at school. Finally, one happy day Boy Z will BABYSIT. That means no more lugging everyone everywhere.
Just hold on tight for now and try to get in naps for both parents.
heather´s last blog ..Marriage & Time
There is nothing wrong with doing a bit of your own whining. I do on occassion. It helps. But I’m grateful every night when I peek at the kids sound asleep like little angels.
I once heard somewhere that if we didn’t have those little moments that erase the bad we’d never have kids. So be thankful for the moments (and then rush off to work for the peace!)
Blogging Mama Andrea´s last blog ..All that’s fit for a Thursday, Wednesday, Friday – Oh forget it! Random Tuesday Thoughts
Hey, you’re welcome. Six Feet Under is one of the best shows ever, period.
I know I’ve said it before, but I do love your honest portrayal of parenthood, ups and downs and everything in-between.
courtney´s last blog ..30 Rock(s)
not much to add, not being a parent and all, but i do hope it get better for you.
I was so glad my kids were all noisy sleepers as infants. It was reassuring. The staying home versus going to work? Having done both, I think it’s a trade off. I loved the bonding and not having to function on a higher level that most outside jobs require, after a particularly sleepless night. I hated the repetitive and relentless nature of it. A little of both has been the charm for me. Glad you are turning on your positive mojo but it’s ok to bitch. You seem to have attracted a cadre of mostly supportive parents who realize there are good days and bad days. Yes, it’s good to remember your fortune at having healthy children but bitching and whining also let off steam and remind the rest of us we are not alone in our frustrations.
Love the top pic with the reflection.
chris´s last blog ..Big Surprise…Another Rant
I don’t think it’s being an ingrate – I think it’s just being tired. And understaffed. And overwhelmed. But even with the mess and the yelling and the chaos there’s always the grateful.
Carolyn Online´s last blog ..8 Things that happen when you don’t listen to your parents and things you should do for your parents.
Well done. It is amazing how many storylines involve the death of children or something awful happening to a pregnant woman. Glad to hear you are hanging in there. Perspective is a precious thing, but don’t undersell yourself. We all need to get the frustration out.
Great post. No matter how hard it gets it is always good to realize how lucky you are.
Seattledad´s last blog ..We Have an F-ing Issue
Oh man, it’s okay to whine a little – you are smack-dab in what I like to call the Dark Years. We had that first kid 12 years ago, and that one kid was a handful, but we were feeling pretty good about that whole parenting gig.
Yeah, then the second one comes along, while the first one is still a toddler and all hell breaks loose. I distinctly remembering banging my head against a wall on one particularly bad day, and I was sure I was the worst parent in the whole world.
Flash forward: I have two great kids, who somehow came out of that insanity being pretty well-adjusted, and somehow, the Man and I didn’t kill each other.
Relish the quiet at work, give Mom a break whenever she says she needs one (it avoids the whole head-banging thing), and in about three years, or the wink of an eye, it’ll all be over, and you’ll have two fab guys (’cuz you already do, they’re just high-maintenance munchkins right now)to make you proud.
PS: An adult beverage and/or a night out doesn’t hurt either!
we_be_toys´s last blog ..Shhhh…
Well written post by a second time new dad. Little ones take so much energy at a time you get so little sleep. Just love them and do the best you can.
Technobabe´s last blog ..Gas Mask Bra
Great pictures … especially the second one.
I’m no parent, but I would guess the balance between work and an personally acceptable focus on family is tough. I’m sure you’ll get it though.
The other night I had ‘Field of Dreams’ on at 2am whilst quilting (I know, I know…I’m on holidays!)and the moment at the end where his dad comes onto the field….OMG….I think I wet my quilt with howling. My baby’s away and I miss her terribly so I’m right there with you on the whole weeping at films thing.
arizaphale´s last blog ..Get Me To The Church On Time*
Ha-ha Crying at Father of the Bride 2 – no wonder your football team lost. What do you think is worse, parents who just moan about their kids or those that say everything is wonderful all the time in parenthood-land and their little angels can do no wrong? The latter annoy me more. Of course, I am feeling that way now, having not seen Chloe for three weeks.
I am also reassured to see that Z. whines, as Chloe can be brutal that way. If she does it in the car, I always put on the Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What you Want,” which only pisses her off more.
We get reality checked into the boards, we’re good for a month or two, then it’s back to needing another reality check. It’s part of the human condition.
The Unbearable Banishment´s last blog ..Loch Central Park
Don’t be so hard on yourself. It DOES get easier.
That’s all.
Maggie – It’s all a bit much sometimes.
Rol – I think you rally to it. I’m a lot less self-centered than I was before. Jesus, I was a dick.
SciFi – I’m a bit jealous in theory of Dr. O’C. But having had it in practice for 2 1/2 weeks, only in theory.
Jacob – Blogs are good for that, no?
Muskrat – I suppose so. Though quiet and compliant would be a bonus.
Nathan – Yeah, I can’t even imagine the whole going to school thing. Yikes.
Heather – Good to know that I’m not alone.
Andrea – When they’re both asleep – that’s the best time.
Courtney – Fixing to start Season 2. Can’t wait!
Jen – It will.
Chris – I’m hoping to get back to taking one day a week off with them. Because two and a half weeks straight is just tooooo hard. That top pic was a request from Dr. O’C because we have a similar one with Zach when he was a baby.
Carolyn – Understaffed is right on. I think two parents per child would be ideal. Do you want to come over and be an au pair for a while?
NATUI – Thanks. Frustration. I can feel it.
SeattleDad – Sometimes that’s hard to remember.
WeBeToys – Thanks for that. Exactly what I needed to hear.
Technobabe – Thanks.
SIS – Thanks. I like that photo as well. We went to a music festival over the weekend and he was fascinated by the musicians.
Ariza – Is she off having a good time in the big city?
Jamie – I really hope LSU beats the Gators this weekend. I do the same thing when Zach whines, either whine back at him or explain the inherent unfairness of life.
TUB – Well said.
A Free Man´s last blog ..If I had hands I’d be a writer, if I had brains I’d be a man
Well, if you are an ingrate (and I maintain that you’re not – you’re just tired), you’re an ingrate who takes some amazing photos, that’s for certain. I’m sorry things have been tough. And again I thank you for reminding me that another baby would be a whole lot more wakefulness than I need. And hang in there! And I do hope you’re enjoying being back at work without feeling ungrateful.
Jill/Twipply Skwood´s last blog ..My Left Hand…
darlin, you have now proven to us all that you are human like the rest of us. I don’t know one single parent that doesn’t feel the way you do.
Jessica´s last blog ..I can’t wait to be a senior…citizen
So honest here – and I appreciate that. I remember wanting to leave my first son (who cried for the first 6 months and didn’t sleep through the night until he was 14 months old) on the hospital steps as a failed experiment. It didn’t mean I didn’t love him. I loved him so much but I felt like a failure. Thankfully, it got better.
As for the Laminated Cats… We are traveling to Athens to visit my step-daughter in a few weekends. I may horrify her and tell her we are going out to see this band. Sounds like fun!
Beth´s last blog ..My mother probably should have named me Helen
I used to laugh and guffaw at some of the stupid, sappy story lines in movies and TV shows. Now I have to keep my head turned at an angle so Sarah can’t see my eyes well up with moisture, and hope I’m doing a good job at keeping my breathing normal.
Stupid emotions.
Joe´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday v. Could he be any freaking cuter?!
Beautifully written, and it pulled at my heartstrings. I remember very similar feelings myself, when going back to work after the birth of my third child (and I am the mom). It takes all types of moments and ups and downs to create the parent we are going to be and that we are becoming every day (even still, for me). Sometimes clarity is clear, but sometimes it continues to be murky. But you can’t do better than trying. To me, trying is the key to good parenting.
Vixen´s last blog ..Fall Is Upon Me
Hon. You’re supposed to be frustrated and happy and loving and crying and all of that at the same time. That’s what parenthood is. One minute, you’re laughing over something cute they’ve done/said and the next, you’re screaming over the ravioli spilled on the carpet and the minute after that, you’re feeling guilty for the screaming and kissing them and cursing under your breath as you call the carpet cleaner.
Seriously.
It’s a nut house, isn’t it? But it’s also wonderful.
And I love you for posting your true feelings here.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..The Journey
But you did write it!
Glad you’re enjoying Six Feet Under. I have never missed a show after it ended the way I miss that one.
Kerry´s last blog ..The Final Countdown
6FU. Amazing.
headbang8´s last blog ..Pimp meinen Fahrt, Part Zwei.
I love your honesty. It’s amazing when things come out of left field like that and change our perspective. And it’s amazing how sometimes those “aha” moments only bring about slow change, not the major instant shift we’re looking for. I’ve been obsessed with Toad the Wet Sprocket again lately – “all things in time is all we’ll ever need.” Damn straight.
Allie´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Tug