I keep thinking of the scene in “As Good As It Gets” when Jack Nicholson’s character gets a bit tearful after returning Greg Kinnear’s dog. He exclaims with a grim chuckle:
“Over a dog! Over an ugly dog!”
I know how Melvin Udell felt. My dog wasn’t ugly, but he was damn stupid. He has been gone for almost three months now and I still find myself sucked into occasional and inconvenient bouts of grief. It’s largely spurred by my son who, in his innocence and lack of understanding, will just not let it go.
For a couple of days after, he was quiet about the dog. I thought maybe his little brain had sorted it out. The dog bit him, so the dog had to go. But after that honeymoon period he started asking for the dog.
“Where’s Timmins?”
Dr. O’C and I had talked about how to deal with that question and we went with the standard :”gone-to-live-on-a-farm-with-other-dogs-he’s-very-happy” line. Seemed to be tailor made for two year old consumption.
“Can he come back for a visit? Just for a minute?”
And every time he said that – daily for I don’t now how long – it broke my heart. Because Boy Z had forgiven him for his indiscretion. Because I constantly asked myself whether I had done the right thing. Because I would have loved for him to come back – just for a minute. Would have loved to feel him leaning against my legs, begging for a moment of attention.
As the days turned into weeks turned into months, it got better. That visceral grief, the sadness that you can feel in a physical sense, started to abate leaving a dull ache that slowly got better. And Boy Z stopped asking every day. But there were still days. Days that he would talk about “his dog”. Days that he would see a dog and say “that bites”. Days like one at the museum last week when, confronted with a stuffed wolf that looks strikingly like Timmins, he said “That’s my wolf. Where’s Timmins?”
Three months later and I felt my heart clench.
When is it going to stop? I don’t know the right thing to do. Initially, I tried to get rid of all reminders of the dog – his bed, his toys, his hair that littered the house. But reminders pop up everywhere – a tangle of dog hair in an ignored corner of the house, dog treats shoved into the back of a cupboard, an old collar in amongst our winter coats. The scar under Boy Z’s right eye is a vicious reminder. One of the reasons I recently changed the look of this site was because most of the header images featured the dog. I don’t want to erase him from my memory, I hold no animosity in my heart for him, I just want it to stop hurting whenever I’m reminded of him.
I want my son to stop reminding me of him.
Last night when I was reading him a story – “Aliens Love Underpants
“That dog bit me. Last night. On the beach.”
When is it going to stop?
I’ve been thinking about it these last few days. I’ve thought of getting a new dog, but the time just isn’t right. A puppy and a six month old baby? In the same house? Not a good idea. An older pound dog comes with all sorts of unknown baggage. I’ve been watching “Six Feet Under
Over a dog. A stupid dog.
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What is arguably Steve Earle’s finest album, “Train A Comin’”, is available from 
. This track featured in the season finale of “Friday Night Lights“, which was just fantastic. I was worried, watching Season 4, that FNL had ‘jumped the shark’. But not after the finale. I don’t understand why this show is not one of the top rated dramas on TV rather than having been shoveled off on some satellite network. What are you guys watching in the U.S.? Fox News? Seriously?
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by courtney
19 Feb 2010 at 12:26
Six Feet Under is great, isn’t it?
It’s not stupid at all to still be grieving over your dog. They’re like furry members of your family. Though I still think you did the right thing, I think the fact that Z is still asking about him shows how much he loves his family and how he’s old enough to feel a sense of loss.
Perhaps a funeral would be good for all of you. It could give you — and Z — more of a sense of closure.
by Cat
19 Feb 2010 at 13:04
I think a ceremony burying the left over bits is a good idea. We have a pet graveyard in our back yard — three gerbils, a lizard and a guinea pig.
The final episode of Six Feet Under is the best finale ever. I’ve watched it several times.
Cat´s last blog ..I’m on Vacation
by Not Afraid To Use It
19 Feb 2010 at 13:11
Ah, the old space-time-continuum issue. Until the kids can figure out how we view time, it isn’t going to be better. Last month will always be this morning, and last year will be yesterday. Just one more omission in the parenting manual that duped us into thinking we had a handle on things.
Not Afraid To Use It´s last blog ..The Snowboard Police
by chris
19 Feb 2010 at 13:42
Sorry friend. As someone who got a dog when the bebe was a year, I say, don’t do it. I like the funeral idea but you probably will move on normally without it. I’ve been going to a zen meditation group and the leader frequently talks about how you have to sit with a feeling for awhile, experience the uncomfortbale physical sensations that go with it, before that feeling will pass and you can move forward. It makes sense to me.
Gene and I are on the last season of Six Feet Under and I will be sad to see it end. I have heard the finale referred to as one of the best ever.
chris´s last blog ..This Should be Fun, or Humiliating or at Least a Book Review
by Vixen
19 Feb 2010 at 15:20
Not your fault, but cue me bursting into hysterical tears riiiiight….now.
First, we had to do the “he went to farm where he could run more and is very happy” with one of my dogs when my kids were little. I had two little ones 6 and 4 asking me for months when they could visit him. I constantly questioned whether I had done with right thing. But I felt as a parent it was my job to put aside my love for Dutch and put first the continued safety of my children. Several years later, when the two of them were several years older my youngest (who came quite a bit after the first two) was attacked and maimed at 18 months old by a friend’s family dog. I knew then I had made the right decision.
I will say this, in the spirit of full disclosure, my kids still now (at 26 and 23) ask how we could have lied to them. I wouldn’t do it any differently thought and when they have their own kids, they will understand too.
Lastly, so you don’t feel too guilty about my sobbing; it was your talk of grief that got me. I had to have my beloved 4th baby, a Bassett Hound, put down after 17 years with us just a few weeks ago. And daily, I find something that reminds me of her. Maybe I need to have a burial too. Seems like it might give me more closure.
Vixen´s last blog ..“Oh, you mean like a sleep-over?” “Yeah.” “Well, OK….but I get to be on top.”
by jen
19 Feb 2010 at 17:00
my poor dog finally failed in the hindlegs, and I had to take the awful decision to help her on her way out. i knew it was the right thing. i knew it.
six years later, i still get emotional thinking about her. and even though i know i did the right thing, i STILL get that knot of doubt in my stomach.
time doesn’t heal all wounds it seems. you never get over the missing – that pure, uncomplicated, boundless love only a dog can give leaves a hole unlike any other.
but it does, eventually, get better.
jen´s last blog ..the soundtrack of my life – 1990s
by nursemyra
19 Feb 2010 at 17:25
A beloved pet is never “just a dog”
by SciFi Dad
19 Feb 2010 at 22:08
I like the redesign. Much cleaner.
I think that for people who have pets long term (I’m not a pet owner myself, so I’m speculating) the loss of a pet is similar to the loss of a family member. There’s a grieving process, and you never completely forget about them. Kids lack the internal monologue filter, so they spew out whatever they are thinking, which can make matters difficult. (I know my daughter asks me about my grandfather – who died before my wife and I got married – sometimes, and it can choke me up depending on what she asks.)
SciFi Dad´s last blog ..Neglectimommy Volume 9
by The Unbearable Banishment
19 Feb 2010 at 23:24
Do NOT second guess yourself. You did the responsible, albeit, painful thing. Anyone would have done the same. I would have. And Nurse M is right. It’s not just a dog. You don’t really believe that, do you?
by Nichole
19 Feb 2010 at 23:55
Timmins was a big part of your life. Don’t feel like a weenie for mourning that loss.
Nichole´s last blog ..Window shopping
by Technobabe
20 Feb 2010 at 00:04
I think if it were me, each time I felt the pain of missing my dog coming on me, I would look at the scar on my boy’s face and that would at least take the hurt back to the reality stage. I know you aren’t actually asking yourself if you did the right thing. There was no other choice. There could not be even a chance of it happening a second time so there was no other decision to make. Love the dog as part of your family, but love the boy as part of your loins. I had a friend a few years back who left her two year old with his grandmother for the day and the lady’s dog who had been around this boy nearly every day bit the boy. The lady refused to have her dog put down. Six months later the dog bit the boy very badly. I never did understand why the lady chose it that way and also I could not understand why the mother would ever leave the child there after that. I know absolutely that I would not take such a chance with my child. And I really like dogs. But I love children who depend on us for their safety.
Technobabe´s last blog ..A Girls Best Friend
by Courtney
20 Feb 2010 at 00:54
it’s never stupid to grieve for a dog, and dog’s aren’t stupid! It takes some time to get over losing a pet and I don’t think three months are nearly enough. You could consider another dog down the road – perhaps in between a puppy and a full-grown dog…there are lots to adopt in the six month range. We’ve never had funerals for our dogs but I can see how it would help someone as young as your son.
Courtney´s last blog ..Friday Fessing, fessing, fEssing, feSSing
by Rol
20 Feb 2010 at 01:12
My heart goes out to you again. It was a no win situation and you did your best with it. The worst part of being a grown up: doing the right thing and still feeling shitty for it.
Rol´s last blog ..The Wolfman
by Nigel
20 Feb 2010 at 06:27
What a wonderful post, but what a sad post. We have two dogs, and one of them is ageing heaps in the last year or so. We’re going to be a mess when she goes; I’m not looking forward to that day, those weeks and months, one bit. Strangely I’m just glad we don’t have kids who would ask all those questions. Thankfully I’ve been spared much grieving but when something too sad has happened I do find going for a long walk with my mp3 player pludded into my ears playing the saddest of music does do wonders – there’s something about walking and crying at the same time that works miracles. Oh wait, usually I have my dog beside me.
Nigel´s last blog ..Never try to take away my soul
by April
20 Feb 2010 at 08:26
Heart wrenching post, that sounds brutal. I remember my brother and cousin burying a bird that my parents hit with their car. The little boys would then go and try to dig the bird up to see if it had come back to life. I’m not sure that little kids really can understand a funeral anymore than they can understand that something is gone and isn’t coming back. But if you think a funeral will bring you closure, then I say do it.
April´s last blog ..And then they came for the fatties….
by Carolyn Online
20 Feb 2010 at 08:42
That is the best picture of your little one. And I’m sorry about the dog. We had to get rid of our 8 year old chow after she tried to eat the baby. I was sad about it…but never once regretted it. She really could have eaten that baby. That would’ve been worse.
Carolyn Online´s last blog ..The way a query letter should be.
by arizaphale
20 Feb 2010 at 09:18
This whole business sucks. Sounds like Boy Z is trying to process the whole thing too.
arizaphale´s last blog ..DNF: The Next Sailing Installment
by Andrea
20 Feb 2010 at 09:51
So very,very sorry that you’re all hurting still. Though I think, truth be told, that it’s wonderful boy Z still asks about Timmins. Timmins was worthy of such love.
Another sad story to share: my inlaws’ dog was put down when my nephew was two and he was told Megs went to heaven to live with his (great) Nana and (great) uncle Ed. Months later his Mom was curious when nephew got super excited when told he was going to visit his cousins. Turned out that he mis-heard their home town “Devon” as heaven and was thrilled that he was going to see Meggy again. Broke her heart and ours.
by Theresa B
20 Feb 2010 at 18:03
Some very good friends of mine are euthanizing one of their two dogs tomorrow. This dog has bitten eleven people (including me, one of the owners, and both policemen searching the house after my friend came home to an open back door) in the three years they have owned her, and they are still second-guessing themselves. None of the bites were bad, but they also weren’t little love nips either. They have been to four different professional behaviorists, all of whom recommended that the dog be euthanized. The shelter they got the dog from has apologized for adopting out the dog in the first place, and apologized again for originally telling my friends that if they didn’t adopt the dog she would be put down.
Rationally, I think it would be hard for anyone to argue that this dog should still be around. But it’s still a horrible decision to make. And it’s not helping that one of their neighbors is giving them crap about this decision.
Anyhow, all this is to say I think you made the right decision. And also, it’s okay to mourn Timmins. He was a member of the family.
Theresa B´s last blog ..If It’s Chinese Food, It Must Be Monday
by yellojkt
21 Feb 2010 at 07:06
I lost my dog to cancer about two years ago and I still miss him nearly every day.
yellojkt´s last blog ..Wasted At The Wine Festival
by Agnes
21 Feb 2010 at 11:07
My dad and I had to put the family dog down around the same time you lost Timmins (she was 16 and quite sick) and so I understand the grieving you’re going through. Of course you’re not only grieving for the loss of Timmins but also the circumstances that led up to that loss.
I think the fact that a few people have mentioned getting teary while reading this post (myself included, as well as the original post) just proves how connected people feel to their pets and how we can all identify with that kind of loss. It’s a natural feeling, and not one to feel guilty or bad about having.
Agnes´s last blog ..Groovin’ The Moo 2010
by ellie
22 Feb 2010 at 03:11
And now I’m crying again. Over a dog. Over a stupid dog?
A puppy and a 6 month old? Sounds perfect to me … Ok … maybe let the 6 month old get to 1?
You’re mourning. Let yourself.
ellie´s last blog ..Shell Shocked
by muskrat
22 Feb 2010 at 07:04
I’d be the same way and don’t blame you. I’m trying to remember from your old posts about this whether the local law requires that you did what you did…I assume so, as it is here. I hope so. Maybe that’ll make you second-guess yourself less.
If that’s not the case, you would certainly be subject to liability if a dog that has bitten once bites again (assuming, again, that tort laws are similar there to what they were here).
I’m probably no help whatsoever.
muskrat´s last blog ..where the street has one name: bourbon
by Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)
22 Feb 2010 at 08:41
He was a member of the family and it will most likely never stop completely. So maybe it would be an idea to have a day of rememberance every so often. Kind of like a memorial day, where you celebrate all that was good about him. It the memories are going to be there, perhaps it would be good to change the focus to one of celebrating the good times you spent together.
Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)´s last blog ..A Page from the Hollywood Playbook
by Ginny
22 Feb 2010 at 16:16
You did the right thing. And it was hard. But you did it. Please don’t doubt it was the right thing.
I think a funeral is a really great idea. For the whole family, especially for you.
by Joe @ IrrationalDad
22 Feb 2010 at 21:51
We kept one of Logan’s beds. Delilah uses it now. Whenever we find a “Logan hair”, we take a moment to think about him. I made a book through a site called “blurb” with every picture we had of him and keep it on a shelf for those times where we really want to remember him. We don’t think about what he did that put us in the position of executioner, but rather how he was a part of our family. Just looking at my son makes me one hundred percent sure we did the right thing.
Joe @ IrrationalDad´s last blog ..A smattering of videos
by Jacob
23 Feb 2010 at 00:21
Is it just me or is there no reference to comments or a link to comment on your homepage now? I can’t see any reference to comments unless I click through to the specific post page.
Jacob´s last blog ..Doughnuts, Breaking, Entering, and Danger!
by Jill/Twipply Skwood
23 Feb 2010 at 02:52
I’m sorry, sorry that life has to be this way, to really just be awful sometimes. But there was nothing else you could have done but your best, the best a human being could do under the circumstances.
Vixen’s arguments for your telling the farm thing do sound convincing. And certainly she has been there and I have not. But for me, one of the benefits of telling him the truth and having the funeral would be allowing yourself to share your sadness with Boy Z., letting him know how very sad you are that you can’t visit Timmins. Being able to say things like, “Yep, he was a really great dog, wasn’t he?” or “Remember how Timmins used to love that blue ball of yours?” without having to then dodge a request for a farm visit might be liberating.
As far as the funeral goes – In a certain sense don’t think it will help as much as a person funeral. Because to me, the benefits of a person funeral are party that roles get prescribed and people have jobs to do and certain things need to be done in certain ways that force people to accept what has transpired as well as providing a (hopefully) comforting ritual. In that sense I would think a dog funeral would be much more free form and therefor perhaps not quite as helpful.
But in another way I do think it could help. Because I think the more you are forced to confront his pictures, Boy Z.’s requests, and memories of all sorts, the faster you can build up a scar tissue of sorts that will allow you to think of him and enjoy good memories without being overwhelmed by fresh grief. In that sense I think maybe a funeral of some sort would be helpful.
Meanwhile I’m just going on about something I have no experience with. But I do think you should give yourself full credit for doing your best in a hard time, for doing what was right but terribly, terribly difficult. And I do hope it gets easier quickly, that you can make peace with it soon, you and Boy Z both.
Jill/Twipply Skwood´s last blog ..Preschool: it’s where the poop is. And the vomit. And the ear infections. And the strep throat. They’re cute though. Gotta give them that.
by Allie
24 Feb 2010 at 01:22
I haven’t seen season 4 of FNL yet. I can’t wait. And I love Steve Earle. Goodbye is, in my opinion, one of the best songs ever written.
I am so sorry for your pain and grief. It’s hard enough, I’m sure, to loose a dog without that nagging feeling about the how of the loss.
Maybe some sort of funeral or memorial will help. I have this bad habit of not dealing with stuff and because I don’t, it pops up at bad times. Maybe looking it all in the face and taking it on would help.
Thinking good thoughts for you.
Allie´s last blog ..I Suck At Sleeping
by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
24 Feb 2010 at 12:55
I’m still dealing with the kids asking for my mom’s cat Bandit, and it’s been three months for us, as well. All I can tell you is just be honest. Even if he doesn’t understand, just tell him the truth. Someday, he will understand and will appreciate that you were forthright with him.
And it will get easier.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Discombobulated
by Martin
25 Feb 2010 at 02:34
That line, your title, is a killer.
Impossibly sad situation.
Martin´s last blog ..Gorgeousness, and how it came to be
by Kelly
25 Feb 2010 at 06:58
Novemember, huh? I hear you on that, but for me it’s always in February or so, the winter months. I find myself crying about the silliest things like tv commercials, etc….my boyfriend totally makes fun of me for it, but hey, c’est la vie!
Kelly´s last blog ..Top 5 Posing and Directing Photography Tips
by Gwen Jackson
25 Feb 2010 at 23:48
I know that grief for an animal can be just as great as grief for a human. I’m sorry for what you are going through. It’s definitely a process and I do think that some sort of ceremony might provide the sort of closure you need. Also, it seems that Boy Z needs some closure also. What a sweet boy to forgive Timmins for his transgression! What an agonizing choice you had to make, but you made the right one.
by Michelle
27 Feb 2010 at 18:44
Found your blog randomly, read this post first, searched (missed the links!) for the background story so after all that reading and crying the most brilliant thing I can come up with is “I’m sorry” and “damn the trolls”.
by rassles
03 Mar 2010 at 02:45
See Nursemyra’s comment, and quadruple the hell out of it.
rassles´s last blog ..We Should Feed Canada Some Mrs. Grass Soup, But Only Until They Feel Better About SUCKING SO HARD AT HOCKEY
by Susan Wanderlust
19 Mar 2010 at 19:42
I lost my dog of 15 years last year in October, and I can tell you that it’ll probably take some time for you to get over the grief… but the pain will recede. Although my dog did not pass away the way yours did (and it was such an agonising decision!), I understand the pain you’re going through. And it’s not ‘just a dog’. It’s your friend, a member of your family. My Nicky was like a son to me, and the pain is that of losing someone you really do love.
I think I read somewhere that the pain of losing a dog can be more ’severe’ because you’re losing unconditional love, and it’s hard to lose that. Expect your grief to spring up at the most inconvenient times and cause you all kinds of grief (mine caused my shoulders to seize up in spasms for a month!) but just know that it’s really normal.
My luv and understanding to you.
Susan Wanderlust´s last blog ..A drone speaks
by Grumpy
01 Apr 2010 at 19:39
Aw man – I have a giant lump in my throat right now
A bit of a variation on this ’story’ – I was speaking to a friend yesterday and she said her 3 year old grandaughter ran into the house crying – she has bite-marks on her arm. The first thing the friend thought was ‘Right – that is it! The dog has to go’ until she noticed that her grandaughter was wet and was saying ‘Leo wouldn’t let me swim in the pool.’
Grumpy´s last blog ..Mood Lifter