I’m in Mt Gambier. I suspect that 99% of you don’t know where in the world Mt Gambier is, I didn’t until I looked it up on Google Maps a few days ago. I’ve flown down from Adelaide for the day to teach the first year nursing students about the skeletal system, part of my university’s Regional Engagement Strategy. One of the things you might not know about Australia is that once you leave the half dozen or so densely populated urban centers (Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Perth, etc.) there are more kangaroos than there are people. You can drive hundreds of kilometers without encountering a town that’s much more than a petrol station and a couple of shacks. To get any kind of tertiary education, people living in the country have to move over to one of the big cities or, increasingly, undertake online learning. So, in the constant drive toward ‘equity’, my university flies lecturers 450 km to Mt Gambier or 400 km to Whyalla once a week to deliver enlightenment to the huddled rural masses.
This week it was my turn. I headed out this morning, picked up by a right wing chatterbox from the car service who spent the entire drive to the airport blaming most of the country’s problems on ‘narrow-minded professorial types’. To his credit, the discovery that his passenger was a university lecturer didn’t alter the tone of his monologue or the target of his contempt. An hour on a shimmying, shaking puddle jumper and we were skidding to a stop outside what appeared to be a modified cattle shed – Mt Gambier Airport.
If for anything, Mt. Gambier is famous for its volcanic lake(s). But I can’t tell you whether or not it/they are worthy of fame. A taxi whisked me from the airport, on the outskirts of town, to the university ‘campus’, also on the outskirts of town. The only site worth seeing on the way was the local weather station. Woo. Hoo. In fact, I came with kind of a bad attitude. I didn’t see the point of flying people around when we’ve got the technology to set up video links with the remote campuses.*
I’m waiting around in the optimistically christened ‘airport’ for the flight home watching a mother, her two tween girls and baby boy waiting anxiously for their husband/father to arrive. I remember that feeling of anticipation. My dad used to travel a lot for business. Long trips to exotic places – Australia, Sweden, Denmark, Grand Junction. I remember the excitement on the day he was scheduled to return. I was always a little bit proud of him, working under the assumption that only the really important people at the company would be sent to the Colorado mining country. Of course, I’m now faced with the reality – the really important people send the significantly less important people off on business travel. Especially a day trip from Adelaide to Mt. Gambier.
The husband/father has just turned up. It is a bit odd. The girls’ obvious glee and cries of “there he is Mum” as he came off the plane changed to a subdued nervousness as he came into the ‘terminal’. He’s a man’s man, with the sharp cut musculature of one who does physical labour. There’s a darkness in his eyes that I’ve noticed in a lot of working class Australia men. A taut and minacious look. He strides over to his family without cracking a smile. He acknowledges his wife with a nod, ignores his girls and takes his baby boy to him. The girls fade away in the glare of his neglect as he heads for the car park. He’s a man’s man and his only son is the only child worth his attention.
The tide of superior parenting receded rapidly however, with the realisation that despite my smug and vaguely classist sense of being a vastly better parent than this patriarchal neanderthal, I’m not any better. I’ve got an obvious and unapologetic preference for my older son. For Boy Z I have all the time and patience in the world. More than five minutes of whinging from Not Max brings a lightning bolt of fury and intolerance. In fact, if Dr. O’C, Not Max and Boy Z were meeting me at the Adelaide airport, the scene would be little different than the one I witnessed here. So, it’s my Mt. Gambier Resolution to rectify this inequity, to find, somewhere, a reserve of patience and time for my second son.
I know this has been a bit of faff and ramble, but what else would you expect from a man in a converted cow shed with a laptop on his lap?
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*This trip has changed my mind. The two dozen students in Mt. Gambier were keen, bright and engaging. And there’s absolutely a difference between watching a lecture on a TV screen and being in the classroom with a teacher. I’ve got the utmost respect for nursing students in general. They’re training to do what I reckon is one of the toughest jobs around. They’re not going to get paid much and they’re going to deal with a lot of shit. Literally. It’s one of those careers that requires a selflessness that I’ve never been able to summon up myself. The least we can give them is to show up once a week to help them along in their studies.
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Image credits:
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This live version of The White Stripes’ “The Nurse” comes from the performance at Glastonbury 2005. The original is from the brilliant “Get Behind Me Satan”, available from
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by Gappy
30 Apr 2010 at 23:25
Do you know, I loved that post. It was very human. I think that favouritism is one of the last taboos of parenthood. I always find it faintly ridiculous to hear parents insist that they ‘love all their children the same.’ How could that be possible? We all prefer some personalities to others.
The point is that you are aware of it and prepared to make an effort to address it.
I have 3 children and I don’t have exactly the same feelings for them all. I mean I love them all dearly, but it is my youngest – my daughter – that is the absolute light of my life. All I can do is try my damndest not to let it show and make sure that my boys get their fair share of my quality time. If anything I probably over compensate you know?
Gappy´s last blog ..In Search of the Blogging Light
by Technobabe
30 Apr 2010 at 23:46
The trip was a good experience for you on many levels. Good writing here describing your disdain for the trip only to acknowledge how much better a classroom with a live teacher would be to students. I also applaud your honesty as a father.
Technobabe´s last blog ..The First Mow Of The Year
by Nichole
30 Apr 2010 at 23:51
Have you had a chance to spend much one-on-one time with NotMax? I wonder whether that would make a difference.
Nichole´s last blog ..How many times this week have I said ‘rings’ instead of ‘flies’? Four or so.
by chris
01 May 2010 at 02:20
My kids have all spent time as the favorite for one reason or the other. My oldest son and I clash the most because we are the most alike, whereas my middle daughter and I get along great because she is so much like my husband and our temperments meld very well. The bebe is kind of my favorite because she is our last child and I think I am a more relaxed parent now and also so cognizant about how quick it will go so I’m trying to soak up every last bit of babyness. I’ve heard a lot of dads having a preference for their older kids too because they are easier and more self-sufficient. I make sure all the kids feel loved and get time and affection from me, I also tell them all things that set them apart and make them special. And I do think it flip flops. Loved this post and loved that you changed your mind(and admitted it:).
by courtney
01 May 2010 at 06:02
If I had your job, I’m not sure I could handle this particular traveling aspect of it — not because of the destination, but because of the mode of travel. I was on a puddle-jumper plane once and spent the entire trip convinced I was seconds away from plummeting to my death.
I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that most parents favor one kid over the other(s), even if they’d never admit it. Some of us just click better with different personalities. At least you’re not completely ignoring your youngest, though, unlike the dude at the airport who seemed to ignore his daughters just because they had the audacity to be girls.
My parents like my brother far more than they like me. They won’t admit it, but it’s true.
courtney´s last blog ..Oh, Hitler, You So Funny!
by mickey
01 May 2010 at 07:25
It’s not like every town boasts a volcanic lake. Sounds worthy of a side-trip to me.
I’ve always thought Grand Junction looked like a very livable place. And even a little exotic.
The best and worst parts of airplane travel are the times sitting in terminals, cow sheds or otherwise. Best people-watching there is.
mickey´s last blog ..Gesundheit!
by April
01 May 2010 at 08:39
I was Not-Max in my family, but my situation was mainly the result of being a step-child. My step-parents are great, I’m glad I had them in my life, but I can’t think of a time when I didn’t feel like my younger brothers were loved more than me. It’s a hard thing to grow up with, and actually something that’s affecting me now as I’m a parent I’ve been reflecting on my own childhood.
I think it says a lot that you recognize this, and I think as Not Max grows older things will probably change, at least you are honest about it.
April´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Sunglasses
by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
01 May 2010 at 10:59
I’ve sat and watched my kids, mind wandering, and wondered “If we were in a sinking boat, and I could only save one or two, which one or two would I leave behind?” And then my horrified brain stops and screams “NOOOOOOO! We’re not going there! Not. Thinking. THAT!”
Each of my kids are my favorites for different reasons. And each of my kids drives me nuts for different reasons. I have a favorite reading buddy and a favorite coloring buddy and a favorite snack buddy, etc. Not Max will get there. I promise.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Of Migraines, Terry Tate, and Amazing Husbands
by Andrea
01 May 2010 at 11:34
I found that after our second was born, I became much more impatient with our first. In my mind the helplessness of little E made Big Boy R that much more capable, so why wasn’t he living up to that capability. I suspect it was partly due to my exasperation at again being held responsible for a tiny, squirming, frustrating bundle of joy. I hope that I am a bit more reasonable now, letting the 2 year old just be two and not expecting way too much.
I would guess that like us, the care and entertainment of the oldest quite often gets taken care of by the Dad because the youngest one gets the one with the boobs. This will change, especially once notMax begins saying Dada (or Bubba).
by Grumpy
01 May 2010 at 16:17
I couldn’t be a nurse. But ppl tell me they couldn’t be a teacher.
Grumpy´s last blog ..Lacost(e)
by barbara
01 May 2010 at 21:09
You might be a bit unfair to that guy, he probably took the child not because it was a boy but to relieve his wife of the burden of carrying a heavy child, as my husband always did. He was probably tired and looking forward to getting home, and he will interact with the girls when he is more relaxed.
by The Unbearable Banishment
02 May 2010 at 00:31
Not Max is still very young. When he gets older, he’ll start to pull at your attention a bit more. I thought the same thing about The Daughters but as 3-year old turns into a person, I find myself drawn to her side.
Glad to see you extend your influence beyond your city and into the wilderness. Just same, I think it’s a great argument for settling in civilization. Like moths to the flame.
The Unbearable Banishment´s last blog ..Are you going to choose the blue pill or the red pill?
by Heather
02 May 2010 at 13:18
Age is really a big deal in parenting. It’ll change, just wait for the teens.
Heather´s last blog ..rhythm
by headbang8
02 May 2010 at 14:52
Do you still need to work on forgiving Not Max for not being a girl?
headbang8´s last blog ..Don’t Touch
by Nigel
02 May 2010 at 18:09
AFM, love the addendum. There’s nothing like face-to-face interaction, no matter what the ITerati tell us. Especially in Australia, where, as you say, between the cities there are very few people living and they’re surrounded by not much. So actually getting out there has to be a good thing. Says he who rarely ventures out of the big cities. Though I am writing this from Launceston, Tasmania, so that must count for something…
Nigel´s last blog ..Brave beyond belief
by IrrationalDad
03 May 2010 at 06:19
I assume it’s only natural to be more tolerant of the older child because he has personality, while the little infant is just a puking, shitting mess of a human. That’s one of my biggest fears about the possibility of having another child. I don’t want to give Tyler too much attention, and the baby not enough… and vicey versey.
Let me know when you figure it all out.
IrrationalDad´s last blog ..Uprooted
by Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)
03 May 2010 at 14:01
I agree with Joe. Once not max has grown a bit, I bet there will not be the preference there that you describe.
Nice to see you kept an open mind about your visit.
Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)´s last blog ..Everyday Heros
by Not Afraid To Use It
04 May 2010 at 12:32
Everyone has pretty much summed up everything I wanted to say (plus the lengthy comment I left you on my page just now). Kids need different things from us at different times. It’s all a matter of balance and consistency. I am confident you’ll do just fine.
by RubyTwoShoes
04 May 2010 at 22:12
What I enjoyed most about this post was your observation of the family reuniting at the airport. I don’t think I would have made the same call along class lines ( it seemed irrelevant to me, as i thought surely other classes display similar actions/traits? which I guess is part of the point you made at the end…) but that aside I just found it a very well observed moment in life, captured so well and so completely that I felt all those heavy emotions of that brief moment in time of some random family reuniting in a far flung airport…
by Papa Bradstein
05 May 2010 at 11:26
Amazing, isn’t it, how, for all this technology connecting us, sometimes we just need to be in the same room as one another?
Papa Bradstein´s last blog ..Get up, stand up
by Allie
09 May 2010 at 08:01
I loved this post too. So beautifully honest.
Allie´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – My Book Jacket!!!