A Free Man

Well, gentle readers, you’ve been incredibly tolerant of my college football obsession this season and for that I’m grateful. Many of you will be happy to hear that this weekend marks the end of the regular season and thus, the end of Deep South Smack Talk. But we’re going out with a bang - it’s Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate week, the annual stomping of Atlanta’s North Avenue Trade School by their betters to the east in Athens.

Speaking for the Nerd Herd this week, I have one of my favorite bloggers. Courtney can flat out write, but she has questionable allegiances when it comes to college football.

Greetings and happy post-Thanksgiving, readers of A Free Man. Courtney here, proprietor of Malfeasance and die-hard Georgia Tech fan, born and bred. As such, it’s in my blood to believe the University (sic) of Georgia is nothing less than the gaping maw of hell, and all those who enter it are illiterate hillbillies who don’t know how to properly spell the word “dog.” No doubt you all think A Free Man is quite the thoughtful and intelligent blogger, and I agree with you a vast majority of the time. But on those 11 to 12 Saturdays a year when he cheers on his pathetic alma mater? Illiterate hillbilly.

As rivalries go, the GT/U(sic)GA one is rather lopsided. Ask your average Georgia fan who he or she considers to be the school’s biggest rival, and no doubt that person will answer Florida or Tennessee (not this year) or possibly Alabama. Georgia Tech may be its in-state rivalry, but let’s be honest — Tech hasn’t been much of a threat for the past few years. If memory serves me correctly, Tech has lost this game for the past six years straight.* It has effectively ruined the past six Thanksgivings for me. And when U(sic)GA was seeded #1 at the beginning of this season, it looked like the Yellow Jackets’ hopes would all but certainly be dashed again this year.

But they won’t. Not this year. Georgia Tech is going to beat the wrinkles right out of that smush-faced dog’s jaws on Saturday, and if you’re doubtful, I’ll now outline a five-point plan to convince you of the Jackets’ superiority.

1. The losses of the past six years all came under the leadership of Chan Gailey. Gailey was fired last year, and new coach Paul Johnson has whipped the Jackets into shape this year. The Curse of Gailey is gone, and in its place is the Age of Bulldog-Stomping.

2. Tech beat No. 23 Miami last week. And looked damn good doing it, if I do say so myself. If we can beat Miami, we can beat Georgia.

3.  Three words: Triple option offense. Call it old-school if you must, but it’s been working for Tech this year. Seventh in the nation in rushing yards per game, people. If U(sic)GA’s defense wants to stand a chance against it, they’d better wake up and quit daydreaming about the turkey their sister-cousin made in the double-wide yesterday.

4. Georgia is crazy overrated. And unholy. Just sayin’.

5.  Barack Obama. That guy successfully based his campaign on change, and damn if this isn’t a change I can believe in. Make it happen, Mr. President-Elect.

I think this should effectively seal the deal: Jackets rule, Bulldogs drool. In a big way. Seriously, it’s disgusting.

My prediction: Georgia Tech 42, University (sic) of Georgia 21.

“Oh, if I had a daughter, sir, I’d dress her in white and gold And put her on the campus to cheer the brave and bold. But if I had a son, sir, I’d tell you what he’d do: He would yell, ‘TO HELL WITH GEORGIA’ like his daddy used to do!”

GO JACKETS!

And in response, you underwhelming correspondent…

For most of my time at the University of Georgia, I didn’t really get the Georgia-Georgia Tech rivalry. Not being a Georgia native, I didn’t have the historical perspective, the years of intra-state feuding that . The Florida Gators were, and still are, my natural enemy. But that all changed on Thanksgiving weekend 1998. I had to be back for classes on Monday and started the long drive to Athens from north Florida about midway through the game. I figured it was pretty safe, I mean we had beaten the Gnats seven years in a row, how likely was it that they would pull something out this year? I listened to the game on the radio as I drove back towards school on I-75.

Well, that game didn’t go as planned, the Techies won on a last second Brad Chambers field goal that was set up under extremely dodgy circumstances. Circumstances that made me so apoplectic that I had to pull off at one of the free orange juice stands that litter south Georgia lest I crash into the median. Of course, we’ve since learned that Tech coach George O’Leary was using ineligible players that year. That about sums up Tech, the only way they beat us is by cheating.

Since that Thanksgiving I’ve developed a healthy loathing of the ‘Dawgs in state rival. It’s true that Tech is probably the best trade school south of the Carolinas, but that only goes so far. Have you ever been unfortunate enough to be seated next to a computer engineer at a dinner party? You probably don’t remember because you drank yourself into oblivion to try to assuage the boredom. The University of Georgia offers her students a well rounded educational opportunity, preparing alumni for not only their careers but for a full and joyful life. A UGA graduate is the complete package - intelligent, interesting, and damn fine looking examples of humanity. These, my friends, are the advantage of a liberal arts education.

But back to the task at hand - the game. We’re in a similar place this year as we were back in ‘98. Georgia has again won seven in a row against the Gnats. The Nerd Herd has put together a cute little season and is ranked in the Top 25. But the difference this year is that the ACC is battling with the Sun Belt for the honor of worst conference in Division I college football. So, a 4-4 record in ACC play is kind of a dubious honor. Yes, the Techies put a hurting on Miami, which may have been impressive if it was 2001. The Dawgs on the other hand have put together a 9-2 season in the toughest conference in college football, with losses coming to two potential National Championship contenders. And, the game is on our turf and we don’t let the Techies win between the hedges.

Let me just break this game down plain and simple. I know that Techies deal with numbers better than words, so here’s a seven point response to Courtney’s five point plan:

1. 2001 - Georgia 31, Georgia Tech 17
2. 2002 - Georgia 51, Georgia Tech 7
3. 2003 - Georgia 34, Georgia Tech 17
4. 2004 - Georgia 19, Georgia Tech 13
5. 2005 - Georgia 14, Georgia Tech 7
6. 2006 - Georgia 15, Georgia Tech 12
7. 2007 - Georgia 31, Georgia Tech 17

Shall we go for #8? I’m fairly certain that is what is going to happen between the hedges on Saturday. Bring on the yellow bellied whipping boys.

Oh, and Courtney, Barack Obama is a ‘Dawg fan.

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Georgia Tech at Georgia kicks off at 12:00 Eastern (3:30 a.m. Sunday in Adelaide) on CBS. Expat fans can watch the game online by using a loophole to get around CBS’ U.S. only regulations. Send me an e-mail (chris[at]afreeman[dot]org) if you want to know how. A Free Family is going away for the weekend, so chances are I won’t have a chance to watch this one, but I’m pretty sure that everyone except a few delusional math majors on North Avenue know what is going to happen.

Green Day’s 1997 record “Nimrod” is available from .

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* It’s actually seven years in a row, Courtney.

 

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I doubt that anyone who knows anything about college football would have predicted that this years manifestation of The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry would be relegated to an early start on regional television. When Georgia and Auburn square up in mid-November, as they have for virtually every year since 1898, it’s typically a clash of titans. It often has implications for the SEC Championship and even the National Championship. 

This year, it is a speed bump in the college football season. But it’s still the Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry. It’s still a game full of tradition and pride. And it’s still a game that Georgia needs to win. 

I’ve got a very special guest poster for you guys today. Ladies and Gentlemen, the man with the loosest hips east of the Mississippi, the pompadour that makes the ladies swoon, the King of the Alabama plains -  Auburn Elvis!

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As rivalries go, I think the Deep South’s Oldest is also one of the most congenial. Both teams have a similar “feel” to their history. Georgia has Dooley, Hershel, and Uga, while we have Dye, Bo, and War Eagle. There’s a mutual respect for each that makes rival fans easier to get along with the rest of the year. So, most smack talk between the two is more akin to rowdy brothers than angry next-door neighbors.

Rest assured, my lack of in-your-face chest thumping is a reflection of the good southern manners practiced here on the plains and has nothing to do with our embarrassing performances on the field this season.  But this is the time for “smack talk”, so I’ll offer what I hope will happen along with a prediction of what I expect to happen.

I HOPE Auburn’s lines will stage a reenactment of the “funeral game”, pushing the Dawgs around like a 9-year-old school girl. I EXPECT we’ll look really good between the 30’s but be attempting a lot of field goals after breaking down in the red zone.

I HOPE Auburn will pitch a tent in Georgia’s backfield, forcing Stafford to throw early and often. I EXPECT Moreno to break a few long runs off some shoddy Auburn arm-tackles.

I HOPE Auburn will manage the late-game clock with Swiss-like precision. I EXPECT our fourth quarter options to be determined more by Georgia’s ability to move the ball than our own.

I HOPE Auburn wins the game, and gains newfound energy and hunger going into the all-important Iron Bowl. I EXPECT Auburn to falter quite a bit, only staying in the game by virtue of some sloppy Georgia play.
Of late, wins in this series have come in pairs. And with Georgia winning the previous two, I have to stay with tradition and pick the Tigers… by four (which, given Auburn’s offense, is a likely score of 6 to 2).

Thankyouverymuch and War Eagle baby!

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And in response, your underwhelming narrator:

These smack talk posts get harder every week. After the dismantling in Jacksonville and a last second win in Louisville (or Lexington?), it is hard to drum up the hubris required to verbally cudgel your opponent. At the bottom of everything, I think that this games is a matchup between a good team playing badly and bad team playing badly.  In theory the former should win. Woo hoo, Go Dawgs!

How’s that? Not really as “smacky” as you’ve come to expect here at A Free Man? I’m trying to veer away from the hubris, as that hasn’t worked particularly well this year. In addition, I actually like Auburn. As The King noted, we’re similar schools, similar programs and there just isn’t a lot of animosity. They have a horrible choice of team colors and one of the most mystifying cheers in the country (War Eagle? Huh?), but Auburn folks, unlike some others in the SEC (I’m talking to you Gators, Vols and Cocks) are a pretty decent lot. Hell, I even like old Tubby, the Auburn coach. He’s a classy guy, a gentleman among Spurriers and Meyers.

But mostly, I’m really nervous about this game. The Tigers have an absolutely wretched offense, 105th in scoring offense among the 119 teams. Unfortunately, the sure cure for a bad offense is a date with the Georgia Bulldogs defense. I’m worried that the team is coming apart at the seams, I’m worried that we’re going to head down to the plains and get smacked around. The Tigers are playing for their post-season - if they don’t beat us (or ‘Bama) they will be home in December and January for the first time since 1999. Georgia hasn’t won three in a row in this series since 1980-82. After the mistake laden performance in wherever the hell the University of Kentucky plays I have a horrible niggling feeling in my extremities that we are ripe to be the victim of an upset.

I do think we’ll win but as much as I’d like to see a repeat of the beat down we gave them in Athens last year, I have a bad feeling that this will be a close and fairly pitiful affair.

I have completely failed to bring the smack, so I’ll leave it up to the boys to bring it. We need to go over to Auburn and put a stomping on the Plainsmen. I’d like to see this…

…but fear that the team just isn’t in that place this year.

Nonetheless, we’ve got a game to win. Let’s just do it.

Go Dawgs! Sic ‘em!

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Georgia at Auburn kicks off at 12:30 Eastern (4:00 a.m. Adelaide) on Raycom. It’s available online and even though I don’t have the chops to talk smack, I’ll be up early watching. That’s what real fans do.

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The Broken Family Band used to be the best alt-country act in the British Isles. They’re still around but less country these days than alt. Check out A Free Man’s interview with the band’s frontman Steven Adams. If you like what you hear, support blogger friendly artists by buying Broken Family Band records here.

 

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Well, Jamie called it in the heat of Florida Hate Week - Georgia’s year of self loathing has begun. But there is still work to be done, still games to be played. This weekend the Dawgs have to head up to Lexington or Louisville or some-damn-where in Kentucky for a date with the feisty, fiery Wildcats of the University of Kentucky. When I decided to make this a weekly feature I knew exactly who I was going to rope in for this week, and she’s graciously agreed to come aboard to stand up for her ‘Cats. Please welcome Angel from Passionate Chaos:

Dawgs are bigger, but kitties have claws.

I’m certain that A Free Man’s loyal readers who happen to be SEC football fans think it’s really sweet of him to invite a Kentucky fan to write in his smack down series.  I mean, really.  But there is something you might not know about UK fans.  We are all heart.  We are not bandwagoners.  Once you’re a UK fan, you’re always a UK fan, and you’ll defend every single play until the field/court is cleared, the lights have been dimmed, and the stadium/arena is long silent.

A couple things you also may not know is that UK football actually is pretty historic.  Again, unless you attended the University of Kentucky or you’re just a real football nerd, there’s no reason to know something like, UK was the first SEC school to even play the game!  We were the first school to sign an African-American player in the SEC.

Paul “Bear” Bryant.

Okay, seriously.  I could go on with little bits of trivia about historic UK football, but let’s be realistic for a moment, even if it hurts.  Until about eight years ago, if you said something about the UK football team, the response would have been, “Kentucky has a football team?  Who knew?”  We weren’t exactly a big deal, and we know that.  We haven’t won a championship since, I believe, 1976?  “The Immortals” are the only team undefeated in UK history, and that was in 1898.  It’s pretty sad if you have to go that far back in order to find something to brag about, I know.  So let’s move forward a few… decades.

Coach Rich Brooks has slowly but surely challenged and fought and struggled our team into something we can talk about above a whisper once again. Suddenly we’re winning small, yet noticeable bowl games and ending years on the positive side of things.  (No one expected us to beat Clemson in the Music City Bowl, now, did you.)  Last year we ranked ninth nationally in passing.  You might be thinking why would we brag about being ninth? That was higher than any other SEC team, so there!

<We had a winning season last year, and that had us pumped and ready for this year, but we knew it would be a struggle from the very beginning.  After all, we did lose our star player, Andre Woodson, to the NFL.  I know you aren’t supposed to hang all your hopes on one player, no “I” in “team”, blah blah blah.  But let’s be honest, the dude kicked serious ass, and now he’s gone.

So we’re back to most teams giving us a solid nod with a knowing smile behind the helmet.  It would be so very dangerous to count us out just yet, however.  We’ve been known to surprise.  Certainly, most people didn’t even bother to watch that game against #1 LSU last year which meant they didn’t see us beat them in that triple overtime battle.

Yes, we may have to reach back in time in order to find something to slingshot us forward, but like I said, when you’re a UK fan, you’re solid. You’ll do whatever it takes to find something to brag about.  I’ve gone as far as to get guys to a game by reminding them Ashley Judd never misses one. UK all the way, baby!

So, go ahead, be cocky.  Be sure we’re just a blip on your radar.  Plan to give us the beating Florida deserved.  Prepare to take out your humiliation on us, we can handle it.  Just don’t count us out before it’s safe to do so. We’ve been known to bite your ass when you turn around to strut away.

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And in reply, your underwhelming correspondent…

Cocky is not what Georgia Bulldogs fans are right now, Angel. You know, when you lose by 39 points to your arch-enemy it’s kind of hard to carry on with the bravado and bluster that I have to date this season. In fact, it’s hard to put much smack in my talk at all this week. I’m hoping that the team doesn’t have as much trouble getting up for this game as I am.

The fact of the matter is that I have very little confidence in the Dawgs this week. They didn’t fare any better against Florida (damn, I hate Florida) than Kentucky did. The last time the Dawgs headed up the road to Lexington or Louisville or wherever the university in Kentucky is, they got beat 24-20. Last year at home, the ‘Cats gave them a run. The ‘Cats are kind of like Vandy, always annoying and gritty and determined to pull the upset.  And they do so more than they should.

Hell, I would say we’ve got a pretty good chance of going up there (is it Frankfurt?) and getting properly pussy whipped**.

You know what, no. I shall not be beaten. I shall not be demoralized. If I am then the terrorists win.  Angel, we’re going to come up to wherever the hell your cute little Moonshine Tech is and smack you six ways to Sunday.  The ‘Cats aren’t going to know what hit them and you’re absolutely right that Horsebreeder Stadium will be silent, but most likely from the opening kick. The ‘Dawgs have three more games coming up, including the Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry and Clean, Old Fashioned Hate. Kentucky is just an appetizer just a speed bump on the road to a 10 - 2 season. And we’re going to take out the collective frustrations of the Bulldog Nation on your meek little kitties.

Do you know why? So I never have to see this expression on Boy Z’s face again when I dress him in the red and black. Watch out Kentucky, you’ve got an angry pack of Dawgs headed your way.

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* You had to know that today’s song would be “Kentucky Woman”, didn’t you? The only question was which one - the campy Neil Diamond original or the gritty Waylon Jennings cover. For me, it’s  a no brainer, but I had to guess which version Angel would prefer. That last sentence about ass biting clinched it: Waylon all the way. Rest in peace, Hoss.

**Pardon the obvious, and in dreadfully poor taste, double entendre.

 

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Noon - November 5 - Adelaide

Stowed safely away from high maintenance students. Let’s get down to business. Fox, always the stalwart of responsible journalism, has it Obama 81 - McCain 39. Clearly in the tank. NYT has Obama ahead in Florida 53 - 47. My former home of Columbia County voted 66 - 34 for McCain. I’m surprised Obama got the 34.

12:11 p.m.: MSNBC calls Georgia for Obama without the votes from Atlanta or Savannah. NBC is in the tank for McCain.

12:28 p.m.: The only live stream I can get at Uni is MSNBC, which means I have to listen to Olbermann and Matthews and Scarborough stroke themselves for the rest of the day. Working to sort this out. Early returns from Michigan and Missouri look bad. Virginia looks bad. Why do the “real Americans” count faster than commies?

12:33: Oooooh. Fox News Radio! Now this is good. Fox (in the tank for Obama) has Obama with 180 electoral votes. And they just reminded me that there was a riot in Grant Park during the 1968 Democrat convention. Watch out for rioting Obamaniacs, Chicago.

12:42: OK, commies, here’s the deal. Obama needs Florida, Virginia, North Carolina or Ohio. Here’s the numbers as CNN has them:

Florida: Obama 52 - 48

Ohio: Obama 57 - 42

Virginia: McCain 51 -48

NC: Obama 52 - 48

So, it’s pretty good. Remember, real Americans count faster.

12:49 p.m.: Fox News radio jocks are depressed. Suicide watch. They’ve just called Ohio for Obama and called it “over”. Inexplicably they want to play The Stones’ “Tumbling Dice”

Women think Im tasty, but theyre always tryin to waste me
And make me burn the candle right down,
But baby, baby, I dont need no jewels in my crown.

Why?

1:01 p.m: Fox News Radio is already planning for the coming Marxist regime. President Obama will tax them to death. Fair and balanced.

I’m happy to report that Florida’s Volusia County, where A Free Man cast his absentee ballot, went for Obama 56 -44. MSNBC has New Mexico going for Obama. 200 - 865 Obama. I’m betting that we have a new president within the hour. Florida looks poised to redeem itself.

1:10: Not so fast. 62 - 39 to ban gay marriage, Florida? Really? Are we still doing that? Grow up.

1:27: The New York Times is, ironically, the most conservative about calling these states. They have it at Obama 117, McCain 18. Just for kick, let’s see how the drunken college student vote is going. These are university counties in red states:

Clarke County, Georgia (Go Dawgs!): Obama 58 - 40
Alachua County, Florida (Gators Suck): Obama 62 - 37
Tuscaloosa County, Alabama (Roll Tide): McCain 55 -44
Lee County, Alabama (War Eagle): McCain 55 - 44
Knox County, Tennessee (Vols): McCain 60 - 39

So, I guess the Gators aren’t all bad. But the young ‘un vote in the South maybe not a factor.

1:51: Big news. Despite being down 42 - 56 at the latest count, John McCain is the president…

…of Utah.

2:14: More of the student/pothead vote that may, in fact, matter:

Boone County, Missouri (Mizzou!): 62 - 37 Obama
Forsyth County, NC (Demon Deacons): 55 - 45 Obama
Albemarle County, Virginia (Cavs): 59 -39 Obama

2:28 p.m.: Fox has called Virginia for Obama (so in the tank). That may be premature, but I think the cable news folks are being a bit coy about Florida. I’m calling Florida for Obama. Let’s get Cali in and this is done.

2:31 p.m.: That’s it. MSNBC calls it. CNN calls it. Fox explodes. I’ve got to say, I’m a little teary eyed from the Southern Hemisphere. God bless America.

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8:11 a.m. Wednesday - Adelaide

Because I’m 15 1/2 hours in the future I already know who won the U.S. election. But to avoid ruining your election night teevee watching, I’ll keep quiet. But you might want to spend some time in the barrrrrrr tonight.

I thought I might try my hand at some live blogging today, since I spend my work day in front of a computer anyway and chances are I’m not going to get much done as I obsess over the returns.

8:20 a.m.: Turnout is key to an Obama win and most news agencies are predicting record voter turnout. I’m particularly interested in three states, largely because I used to live in them: Florida, Georgia and Missouri.  The Melbourne Herald Sun tells me that problems were “minor” in Florida. Why don’t we just wait and see about that, they haven’t started counting yet.

8:45 a.m.: Fox has a voter fraud hotline! I wouldn’t encourage vandalism, but if one were to send an e-mail to voterfraud@foxnews.com and claim that Rudy Giuliani physically prevented them from voting, for example, it would be mildly amusing. If 1,000,000 people did it, I’m pretty sure Rupert Murdoch would explode. I’ve added some election night music below - Ani DiFranco and Jake Shimabukuro.

9:12 a.m.: Surprise, surprise - MSNBC streams to our socialist isle in the southern hemisphere. Anyone want to bet that Matthews and Olbermann come to blows by the end of the night? Oh, god, they’re talking about exit polls. Do you people never learn? Stupid liberal media.

9:38 a.m.: Chris Matthews is a tosser. Rambling about South Africa, patriotism, a new dawn. Shut up and give me some early results. Indiana’s closed, so is New Hampshire. Can’t wait for NPR’s coverage at 10:30. I wish Chuck Todd would shave.

10:01 a.m.: First numbers in, woo hoo! McCain ahead in Kentucky and Obama in Indiana with 0.034% of the vote in.  Bob Barr currently has 0 votes.

10:22 a.m.: Oooh, exit polls from Slate:

Ohio: Obama +8
New Mexico: Obama +9
Virginia: Obama +9
Pennsylvania: Obama +15
Missouri: Obama +7
Florida: Obama +4

Remember 2004 and President Kerry…

10:30a.m.: Thank GOD for NPR. No more yammering morons. Obama is surprisingly close in KY with 10% in, mostly from the “real Kentucky”.  But Michelle just told me that NPR’s calling it for McCain and Vermont for Obama. McCain leading 8 - 3.

10:49 a.m.: First results from Florida. John McCain is president of Lake County. Haven’t you people learned anything in the last eight years? Don’t force me to extend Florida Hate Week!

11:02 a.m.: Stupid work. Stupid meeting. I’ll be back in a bit. Lafayette Co. in FL voted 80% McCain. But then, it is the scrotum of Florida. By the time this meeting is over, I’m expecting Florida to shape the hell up and I’m watching you too, Georgia!

11:54 a.m.: Australian bosses clearly don’t understand the U.S. election is far more important than a rambling meeting about mice. CNN (in the tank) has Obama up 77 - 34. NPR has called Pennslyvania and has Obama 101 - 34. Could be a short night if the liberal communist media has its way.

11:57 a.m.: Headed to my University office where I will shut the door and turn out the lights to keep out pesky students.

 

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Timmins demonstrates what we do to ‘Gators round these parts…

For my few remaining readers who are not football fans I would like to say thank you for bearing with this week in which my obsession with SEC football has manifested itself in its most severe form. I can offer you the hope of a return to our regularly scheduled programming next week.

Wishing you a reptile free weekend, gentle readers.

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*In the unlikely event that Florida wins on Saturday, this will be the ultimate Florida Hate Week post.

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Well, there have been a lot of strong words and emotions thrown around in these Deep South Smack Talk posts this year. We’ve had Alex call the Dawgs “Pop Warner wanna-be’s” and The Vol Abroad question my parenting skills. This is to be expected when debating the merits of SEC football teams. I don’t think anything has aroused so much passion from Southerners since Sherman torched Atlanta. But, in character for a Gator fan, no one has struck so ruthlessly as Jamie did this week. Taking a cue from the Republican playbook (one that he attests to loathe) he has thrown down the ultimate gauntlet – he has questioned my patriotism, has cast aspersions on my citizenship in the Bulldog Nation. Karl Rove would be proud.

Jamie, exhibiting a way with words surprising for a Florida alum, aptly describes the panorama of fans found in our north Florida high school. He is correct in his statement that the amount of red in the team’s uniform was directly proportional to the amount of red in the fan’s neck. He is also correct that I was not a Georgia Bulldog fan in high school. If the truth be told, and this is shameful, I was a casual Gator fan in high school. But upon graduation, I bolted north for college and have not looked back since.

But what he fails to mention is that high school was two decades ago and I think that Jamie and I are both proud of the fact that we are nothing like the people we were in high school. Hell, we were both Republican supporters in high school and I suspect that he cringes in shame as I do when he recalls working to elect George I in 1988. I’ve evolved since high school, I’ve made the transition from the boy I was in 1989 to the man I am today. But, like the mascot they revere, most Gator fans have sat in evolutionary stasis since the Cretaceous period (thanks for the talking point, Gypsy).

When did I become a fan, Jamie? How many games did I attend? I feel as if I’m under some sort of political inquisition - I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Wait, wrong topic. I became a fan some time after I enrolled in the University of Georgia in 1996 as a “mature” student. I’d urge Jamie, and anyone else inclined to question my loyalty to read this post for more detail about my evolution as a Dawg fan. I didn’t get to take my seat in Sanford Stadium as many times as I would have liked because I worked two jobs while studying at the university full time. I spent virtually every game day serving coffee, beer or checking the IDs of red and black adorned fans. I became a lifelong fan on a June day that I did get to take a seat between the hedges. This time wearing a black gown and a mortar board. On that day the University of Georgia, the finest university in the South (I’m not winking, Gator boy) became my alma mater. As Jamie no doubt knows, that Latin translates to “nourishing mother” and questioning my loyalty to the University of Georgia is equivalent to insulting my own mother.

Damn, I hate Gator fans.

Now that we’ve cleared things up a bit, let’s talk about Saturday. Up until last year, Gator fans liked to throw around a lot of numbers – 15 of 18 was one of their favorites, referring to the number of times that Florida had won the game in the last 18 years. What’s funny is that you don’t hear a lot of numbers coming from Gator fans anymore. I think that even Gator fans, with their simple reptile brains, realize that what happened in the River City last year was a transformative experience. When the Dawgs drove for the first score and the whole team took the field in celebration, the Gators’ death grip on this series slipped. When the scoreboard read Georgia 42, Florida 30 at the end of the game a new day dawned for the Bulldog Nation.

Jamie’s given you a borderline apocalyptic version of what he predicts will happen in Jacksonville. Sounds more like the Book of Revelation than a Saturday in northeast Florida, but I’ve got to give him credit for pretty words. But pretty words aren’t going to do much for his alma mater this weekend. The simple fact is that Urban Meyer and his unevolved reptiles fear their canine tormentors. Tim Tebow, last year’s Heisman Trophy winner and the Florida quarterback, had his worst game of the year against the Dawgs. This is largely because he spent most of it on his back. What do you think is going to be running through Tebow’s head as he faces up against the Georgia defensive line for the first time on Saturday afternoon? A defensive unit that made him their bitch last year?

This game rarely has much to do with the superior football team and I’m not sure which team has more talent this year. It is a game of passion and history and hate. The team that brings the most of those three things typically wins.  Last year’s pounding has made the Gators angry, but it has also filled them with fear. Florida Coach Urban Meyer was so shaken by the game last year that he now speaks only in the third person. When the two teams take the field on Saturday in Jacksonville what we’ll have is a quivering band of nervous little boys, with their reptilian brains playing back their humiliation of 2007. On the other side of field will be a proud and confident legion of men in red and black ready to strike another blow for all that is right in the world.  

It’s time for the big dog to eat, Jamie. Saturday’s menu features one of those Sunshine State specialties – fried gator tail.

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Georgia vs. Florida kicks off Saturday at 3:30 p.m. Eastern (6:00 a.m. Adelaide) in Jacksonville on CBS. Expat fans can watch the game online by using a loophole to get around CBS’ U.S. only regulations. Send me an e-mail if you want to know how.
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Athens, Georgia’s own Vic Chesnutt seems a fit for this post. The legendary songwriter has recently released a new album done in collaboration with fellow Athenians Elf Power. “Dark Developments” (Orange Twin) was recorded over last winter in Chesnutt’s home and the album has the feel of a winter day spent inside in front of a fireplace. Chesnutt and Elf Power are blogger friendly artists, so if you like what you hear, buy the whole album here.

 

 Vic Chesnutt and Elf Power - "And How" [3:08m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

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In celebration of the imminent humiliation for the state’s flagship university, I’m happy to present an expanded Florida Hate Week edition of Deep South Smack Talk. Speaking for the evil swamp lizards, we have my oldest friend and occasional A Free Man commentor, Jamie. He and I went through high school together and despite his questionable academic pedigree, Jamie’s one of the sharpest folks I know. He’s currently a professor of history in the heart of Mormon country. I’m hoping to convince Jamie to be a periodic guest blogger here at A Free Man, so let’s show him some love. Or, more appropriately, hate. 

Of Chris’ many wanderings and meandering through life, no turn has surprised me more than his (recent) emergence as a fan of the most miserable Georgia Bulldogs.  Allow me to explain.  Chris and I grew up in a wretched little town in North Florida and attended an even more wretched high school, about which Chris has blogged of late.  Academics were of almost no import at said institution, and of the graduating class of over 400 (more than 600 were in our sophomore class), less than 20 (perhaps less than fifteen) went on to a four-year college or university right away.  Only two or three went out of state, one being Chris, but he did not initially go to UGA.  College was simply not expected, and no guidance was given, the counselors more concerned with stemming the massive drop-out rate.  I ended up at the University of Florida because it was close by and I really had no idea that there were other options.  (Now this was a good thing, as in all seriousness, UF is by far the best public university until you hit UNC to the north and UT to the west.  I could whip out all kinds of stats to demonstrate this, but I won’t bore you).  The point is that I did not choose UF (and I will leave it to A Free Man to tell how he ended up at what he, with a wink, calls the finest educational institution in the South), and I certainly did not go there because of UF football, although I was already a fan of sorts, as were about 1/3 of the town.

What I can assure you is that Chris was not a fan of the Dogs in high school, although about 1/3 of the high school population were, the other 1/3 being Florida State U. fans (with a sprinkling of mutant Miami fans thrown in).  In a town and high school with so little connections to higher learning, how did people choose their team?  Well, I did have some relatives that went to UF (and also FSU), but I think it was probably pretty random why one choose to root for UF or FSU.  However, it was not random if you chose to wear the red and the black (in complete ignorance of those colors’ historic and political significance).  You chose UGA to proclaim you were the biggest, dumbest, most profane redneck of them all.   You picked an out-of-state school, much further away, precisely because no one you knew had ever gone to school there, in fact, it had no connection to school what so ever.  You just thought it marked you as a bad ass, and its relation to the Deep South (more so than any Florida school) bore all the unfortunate racial connotations you might expect.  So imagine my surprise years later when my friend started blathering about the glories of going “between the hedges” (which must also be slang for some bizarre sexual practice).

I would be curious to know when Chris actually became a fan of the Dogs and how many games he actually attended, because it did not really seem his style while he was living in the, I admit, most pleasant town of Athens.  I suspect, like myself, he became a true fan years later after having left Athens.  My first year at UF I went to all the games like any other stupid newbie, but a trip to Mexico and the lefty political types I hung around with soon convinced me that football was for the brain-dead, plastic-fantastic mainstream.  I started scalping my tickets after that (I was also desperately poor, so that made it easier).  And while I was more likely to find myself being asked to leave a political rally by a smartly dressed law enforcement agent (I like to imagine it was Secret Service) for yelling to Dan Quayle “Can you spell “cat”?” than attend a football game, I still went to a game or so a year for old time’s sake.  But I was no longer a fan, even the indifferent one I had been in high school.  I became a true fan again only after I had moved away, and as a Florida boy, was freezing my ass off experiencing winter for the first time in Pittsburgh and wondering why people thought I talked funny.  It took a few years, and by then I was way too lefty and, I imagined, hip to publicly admit I cared about football. But I did; it gave me a connection to home, and to my surprise I found myself depressed after a UF loss (next year!) and elated after a victory.  So I should forgive my friend for his apostasy, I suppose, as the heart of the college football fan is a strange and unmapped territory.

Okay, I know this is supposed to be smack talk so forgive the digression above, and let’s get to it.  Umm, let’s see….GEORGIA SUX…no, no, I can do better, just give me a second…

On the first day of the eleventh month of the two thousand and eighth year in the Faulknerian fever swamp of Jacksonville, two forces will meet, one representing good and the other the most foul and pestilential evil.  Our beloved Gators will come for vengeance.  The force of arms shall be our only ornament-our only rest, the fight.  Upon entering the arena, as Urban Meyer brings forth the machine he has constructed of the blood and sinew of mere mortals, he will turn to the assembled Bulldogs, shaking but perhaps still confident in their arrogance, and proclaim: “Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair.”

And then we shall see the Evil Creature known as Uga gathering his forces and armies to fight against the wise Urban Meyer and his army. And the Evil Creature will be captured, and with him the False Prophet, Mark Richt, who could do mighty miracles when the Evil Creature is present—miracles that deceive all who have accepted the Evil Creature’s mark [G], and who worship his flea-infested, mange-ridden carcass.  Both of them—the Evil Creature and his False Prophet—will be thrown alive into the Lake of Fire that burns with sulfur [also known as losing by three touchdowns].  And their entire army shall be killed with the sharp sword of Tim Tebow and all the Gators of the heavens will gorge on the flesh of the dog.

And when the battle is complete and the tableau is one of the dogs’ utter ruin, the Gators will leave the field triumphant, the pride of having vanquished a scurrilous foe their only reward, with none of the pathetic parading the dogs embarrassed themselves with last year.  The dogs will lay on the field destroyed, defeated, and in despair, weeping at their own futile efforts and gross inadequacies—the only sound the groans and cries of the beaten dogs and the lamentations of their women.  And they will finally know their place and bow their heads before their betters.

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Well, Jamie’s certainly raised the bar for Deep South Smack Talk - Courtney, Angel you’re going to have to take it up a notch. Your underwhelming apostate is currently constructing his defense of the Georgia Bulldog Nation and, apparently, his place in it. 

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I can’t think of a more appropriate artist to accompany this post than Hank Williams III. The son of Bocephus and the grandson of the godfather of country music, Hank III has a new album, “Damn Right Rebel Proud”, out on Curb Records. It’s a pure, old-school country stomp with a bit of punk ethic thrown in to differentiate it from your Grandaddy’s country music. Hank III is blogger friendly, so if you like what you hear, support him by buying his new album.

 

 Hank Williams III - "Me And My Friends" [3:13m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

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Mark Richt, you’re our only hope…

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Jimmy Buffett’s “Floridays” is available from .

Images:

Obnoxious Gators #1

Bushes in Florida

Obnoxious Gators #2

Thanks Ms. Harris

He Who Must Not Be Named

Celebrate!

The Defeat of He Who Must Not Be Named

Links:

More Gator Haters

 

 Jimmy Buffett - "Floridays" [4:56m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

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